NightEvening danced the last smears of sunlight away into morning. And the stars were no longer shied behind the sky’s ebony finish. I, however, was veiled in darkness, my habit and the firm embrace of guilt. The fruit of my sins had fallen asleep to Mother Nature’s howling symphony. Frost dust cracked open the bare flesh on my lips, until each “I love you” became an effort defeated.
A swallow wasn’t enough to rid my mouth of its sour aftertaste. Water’s fingertips carried the basket away.
My baby was born to a woman not born to be a mother.
Stardust, hi again. This is another evocative and elliptical piece from you, again with heaps of character and some beautiful phrasing – that “finish” in “the sky’s ebony finish” is great example, but I also loved “Evening danced the last smears of sunlight away” and “water’s fingertips”.
ReplyDeleteThe sense of the whole piece, too, is strong – the image of the basket carried away on the water is so rich, especially if (as I take it) it’s metaphor, and this is Biblical only in its resonance. The last line is perfectly weighted and echoes well beyond the short time it takes to read this.
What I missed, this time around, was the sense of control that you showed in the last task. Here, every sentence seems pitched to maximum volume, the vocabulary on constant overdrive. If “The fruit of my sins had fallen asleep to Mother Nature’s howling symphony” means “my baby had fallen asleep despite the stormy night”, then it’s loading too much onto that simple statement to turn “baby” into “fruit of my sins” and “stormy night” into “Mother Nature’s howling symphony”. What you’re trying to say with “fruit of my sins” you get across perfectly in the last line anyway.
With such a short word count, it’s true to have to have every word count, but if that means cramming meaning into every sentence, you can end up with something overwrought.
Finally, I was confused by a couple of the sentences: in the opener, how do we get from the last smears of sunlight to morning without going via night? And in the second, “shied” seems wrong – “to shy” means “to throw”; do you mean “shielded”?
This aside, it’s more of the same from me – strong, strong positives, with a plea to rein yourself in sometimes, and not let the demands of the sentence overtake the demands of the piece as a whole. Onwards!
Hi Jonathan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. After reading my previous task ("Unfaithful Glass") and comparing it with Task 44, I can most definitely agree with the negatives you highlighted in your moderation. My syntax and vocabulary is overwrought and florid, costing me the effect it has the potential to have if I just toned it all down to something more approachable. I am going to try my very hardest to curb this compulsive obsession that I have, and make 2010 the year I make my writing simple yet effective. Please "slap my wrist" if I'm not doing so and tell me when I am slipping back to my old habits.
Many thanks,
STARDUST.