I felt faint. I could not believe what I was hearing. I wanted to die. The news was unbelievable.
The alarming school bell rang meaning the end of another tedious and exhausting day of school. I made my way home taking all the possible shortcuts. As I was a few yards away, I heard a crowd’s chattering and a familiar voice like my dad’s. I started walking faster.
I squeezed my way through the crowd. I noticed a body lying on the floor covered with a white, blood stained sheet. I started shouting at my dad not noticing his handcuffed hands.
“What’s happening?” I screamed
“Nothing it is just a misunderstanding dear” He answered hesitatingly
“What Is?”
I was then taken aside by two police men. They told me everything.
“Your mum is…… dead” said the tall one
The word “dead” echoed in my head. I could not believe what I was hearing. My poor beloved mum’s soul was under the sheet. My dad murdered her. I dared not to lift the sheet. But then I did and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek.
She was taken to hospital by an ambulance, and as for my dad, he was taken to the police station for further investigations. How could he? I will never forgive him.
I was left all on my own. No one to look after me. I was taken in to social care until my aunt comes.
“We have informed your aunt Betty of what has happened.” Said the social worker.
“She had a shock and so she needs to recover so she will come to get you after a few days.”
It was obvious that I will never be able to live with my dad. He is a murderer. I will never forget and forgive what he done to her, however I never thought that the day will come and he will murder her.
After a few days the social worker told me to get ready. She said my relative Betty will be coming to get me to live with her. Then I remembered. Aunt Betty! She was the woman that I hated in the whole universe. It was absolutely impossible for me to live with her. She is a cruel cold hearted woman. She used to think that I was very much spoilt that’s why I never got any Christmas or birthday present from her. She also said once that I had no manners and was an absolute disgrace to the family. Living with an aunt like that is complicated.
She lives in northern England and I live in the east. I was always happy to think that she was far way and that I will never see her again.
The car parked right outside her bungalow. My hands started shaking with fear. As I came out of the car she gave me a “you will regret it” face. I entered the house and then she showed me my room. She was gentle with me at that moment since the social worker was there. However when the social worker left, she started picking on me. It was like I was living in hell. She would say that it was my fault that my dad killed my mum and that when I grow I will be like him. A murderer.
“It is in your blood” she said one day.
My life started to be complicated. I started to wet the bed from fear and nightmares of my mum. That led to more complications since she would get the chance to pick on me. I had to leave my school from east England and go to a dump near hers. School and home lives were hell.
The thought of me never seeing my mum ever again was heartbreaking, but the thought of living with Aunt Betty all my life was like rain without clouds same as me without my mum.
My Life Is Always Going To Stay Complicated.
Hi, Star,
ReplyDeleteIt's my first time to read any of your work, but it's cool to see. I especially enjoyed your figurative language - rain without clouds is a beautiful image.
There's a lot of emotion in this story, and that's always good. You have to get the reader to feel it with the writing, at the moments you want them to feel it, and I think that's what I got from this - good stuff.
I think that some of the story is lost in minor mistakes, such as missing words, and issues of tense. The easiest way to address tense is to pick when this is happening, so 'past,' and then use that throughout. Try to avoid 'will' and things like that, otherwise it gets complicated.
Also, you could think about a different place to begin the story. What if the narrator tell us they are already living with the aunt, and that there is something 'in their blood,' the use the rest of the story to inform that. That's an example anyway. How you reveal information is important to how good it feels to read.
It was cool to see this, and I hope you'll enjoy writing in the future. Take care,
Andy
Hi Star,
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of something 'being in the blood', it can hold a lot of different meanings and strong imagery. I think that you could have explored this idea a bit more, it seems like a really strong phrase, and it's a bit of shame that it just stays as such. Maybe the narrator could have killed mean Aunt Betty, both proving her right, but exacting revenge at the same time.
I agree with Andy about the tenses. It's quite confusing, switching all the time between past and present. I think this lessened the impact of what you were writing because I had to try and figure out what was going on rather than concentrate on the actual story.
I feel like you could have developed your characters a little more too. Aunt Betty is dropped into the middle of the story, and I feel like she is perhaps the focus of the story, rather than the father.
I like the idea, and there is a lot of emotion in this piece, good work!
I hope you have enjoyed Word Voodoo as much as I have, best of luck with all your future writing!
Frances
Heya,
ReplyDeleteYou captured my attention really well with this piece, especially with starting right in the middle of the action, and then flashing back to show us what happened--great technique!
The main thing I thought about this was that you could do with explaining things a lot more... like why did the narrator's Dad kill the Mum? Why does your narrator decide to change her mind about being scared to lift the sheet, and then kisses her? Why does the aunt hate the narrator?
You don't need to necessarily explain all of this, but implying it or suggesting why something might be the case would be really good--don't be afraid to really delve into the emotions behind an action.
Well done though, and I really hope you keep writing after Wordvoodoo!