Nineteen years. You’d think it would all be over by now. But it’s not. I don’t know if it’s me or whether someone else is to blame. Why does it still control my mind? After all these years. After all I’ve achieved. I keep going back.
Mum’s no better. Bless her, she does her best but she’s out of her depth. Just don’t tell her that. Even after…
Anyway, I am writing this not as a justification for my actions but as a way for you, who never understood me or maybe misunderstood me to be able to get to know me a bit better. Not that you’re to blame.
So, here goes.
At the tender age of seven I had to do a lot of growing up. It was only me, my mum, and my little brother, who was a baby at the time. Being wrapped up in cotton wool for seven years I was a bit of soft side, but this was all about to change. I was going to go through possibly one of the most intense learning experiences I had ever undergone in my short, “privileged” life-Mum’s words. Bless her.
I now had to be a second mum. I wasn’t told that was my responsibility which made it worse when I wasn’t recognised. I would want to help but I’d be shunned since “the baby had to come first”. I had to be a strong little girl and I was forbidden from crying. Crying would result in a long lecture of abuse and a disappointed look from my mum. All at the age of seven.
Nineteen years on. I don’t seem to ever let these thoughts go. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know.
The “privileged” life before I hit seven was….well I guess I’ll have to let you decide for yourself. A violent father was the key ingredient for how those seven years planned out. Full of abuse. Physical and emotional. All of us were targets. Bad days. And on good days. For him that was. Not us. I don’t remember having a good day. At home.
I would go to school and consider telling someone. I was calling for help but I guess you have to tell a teacher not look at her in a certain way. And I was a happy child at school. I didn’t leave the tiniest hint of anything going wrong at home. Same with my other relatives. I was isolated from them all. Mums doing. Bless her.
I guess it’s all changed now. With all these child protection thingys. Well I’m all up for it. Don’t think mum was too happy when she found out about the no smacking rule. Not that it has any effect on her. Bless her; she’s oblivious to it all.
I’m not going to go into detail about every aspect of my life to you. What’s the point? There’s no way we could make it work. It’s all ruined. My dreams of a better future. Gone. I guess you weren’t my one way ticket to a better life after all. I am sorry that I didn’t tell you all of this before. Do you think it would have made a difference? You may read this and find out that I’m much more complicated than you though I was before. I guess there’s nothing we can do about it now.
One more thing. I’m sorry I caused this to happen. I know you tried really hard to understand me but I just can’t open up. You are the only man I’ve ever loved and who loved me. Being with you was the highlight of my life. Might as well go on a high before it goes downhill. Please don’t feel bad about what I’m about to do. It’s definitely not you, it’s me.
Just a couple of last requests. Don’t show this to Mum. Don’t tell any of this to Mum. Any of it. It would break her little heart. Bless her.
hi shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteRaw, powerful, but also thoughtful and deeply emotional - this piece is a fine example of this Voice you've developed over the years.
Full of abuse. Physical and emotional. All of us were targets. Bad days. And on good days. For him that was. Not us. I don’t remember having a good day. At home.
Talent like this - punchy, natural, pitch- perfect; I can really hear this working well in theatre or film.
Yeah, let that voice loose. Cultivate its energy, its drive. As the years go on I know your Voice will fill with other notes, tunes: joy, bewilderment, rapturous laughter.
peace
Hi,
ReplyDeleteA beautiful piece once again, Shiningstar. I especially like the text in the begining. Those short, punchy sentences show a tight control of your words - I can hear the rhythm in them. Short syntax, or at least short clauses, give a sense of actual speech. People don't speak in full, complex sentences, (not normally anyway), and by measuring your lines in this way I felt spoken to from the outset - an impressive device, well executed.
I think you could tally that praise against the rest of the work to see how you can build on it. Think about where sentences get over long, or a little formal. A line like:
'Anyway, I am writing this not as a justification for my actions but as a way for you, who never understood me or maybe misunderstood me to be able to get to know me a bit better.'
Is a good way of putting an implied reader in the story, but it sacrifices pace to do so, and also muddies our sense of the tone of the piece - read it and see if you can feel what I'm saying.
Yuo benefit from saying less than a full statement when you're dealing with emotion. There's a a satisfaction for the reader in catching a hint of a full picture, and forming the rest from that. That satisfaction will keep them reading.
I thinks that's everything you could look into. Really it's just a point of orientation for you to hone your instincts on, because you clearly have good instincts towards writing already. The way you handle the reveal in the ending, establish intrigue in the opening, and create that rhythm of idiolect, such as 'bless her,' throughout, are all awesome.
It's been brilliant to read all of your work so far. You were clearly highly skilled from the begining, and I have no doubt that you'll continue to develop your prose. It's a great thing to have, writing. It can be a lonely and frustrating endeavour, difficult for you and the people around you, but that just makes the act of pursuing it all the more noble. I wish you every luck with it, and I hope to read more of your work in the future. It's been ace. Take care,
Andy
Andy
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI love this piece for it's sad, thoughtful tone. Well done on getting that just right. It's so easy to overdo the self-pity, but you counteract that well. The repetition of "bless her" works well at helping this, although I wondered if it was a bit patronising to use towards one's mother?
I love how you reveal the information to us a bit at a time, and especially how you leave us hanging at the end. Is this a suicide note? That's the impression I get: either that, or she's just about to break up with this man. Either way, I think it's good that you don't tell us.
I think it would be helpful to give a bit more of an explanation of the back-story, tell us why the mother had another baby: was she pleased about this? Who was the father; the abusive Dad of the narrator? It would be great if you could suggest why the mother was so wrapped up with the baby, why she was so over-protective, or even why the father was abusive.
Also, your changes in sentence length are really effective, but make sure that you don't use really short sentences just for the sake of it. I think the two-word sentence "At home." just doesn't really work, maybe use a semicolon or something instead of starting a new sentence.
This is great though, keep up the good work!
Heya,
ReplyDeleteThis is great, really raw, full of emotion, and yet you've obviousy put a lot of thought into how much you want to reveal to your reader and when. I really like your narrator, she's not exactly bitter, but very straightforward and aware of the facts. I love how the piece changed at the end and became a suicide note.
Do keep editing, and I agree with the above, that occasionally the short sentences worked against you, make sure you have a mixture of short and long to keep the reader involved.
But i really really enjoyed this!
Thank you for taking the time to comment on this piece and all my other pieces I have really appreciated it
ReplyDeleteShiningstar :D