My heart is frozen; will you keep me warm?
I’m left in darkness, cannot find the light.
You’ve gone but left behind a damaged storm.
A secret past; I thought it seemed just right.
The tears I cried, they hid away my smile.
The memories refused to go. I’m lost,
I stand with loneliness. You’re with her while
Mistakes have covered past with fragile frost.
I walk alone along a path; no rest.
The violent beauty of the sun, it turns
Towards me. Need you back, you were my nest;
A place of loving care. My heart it burns
In fury, suffocating me with blood.
Your love soon left me drowning in a flood.
Hello again. Well I have to say that you really have excelled yourself this time (ok I say that every week but that's because I'm a chronic sycophant). Seriously though, you really have truly mastered the iambic pentameter and sonnet form. I could be wrong as it is late and I'm writing this while taking a break in between essays so I may have missed something, but I really think you've pulled out all the stops here. Occasionally your impeccable use of pentameter does result in some of your lines seeming a little forced, but this is a minor quibble and easily changed. For example, line 3 could be changed to "You've gone", line 5 could be changed to "they hid away my smile", and I'm not sure what purpose the semi-colon in line 6 serves. As I say, however, these are but minor quibbles, as your natural flair for lurid, bittersweet imagery shines as strong as ever here. Some of your ideas are just so unique, for example, "damaged storm" is absolutely gorgeous; it's a very simple description but I don't think I've ever heard anyone use that expression before and it's very evocative. By far my favourite expression is 'violent beauty of the sun', an expression which is indeed violently beautiful, in the Romantic Sublime sense of the word...I particularly love the contrast after 'fragile frost'. I also love the idea of the sun turning towards the narrator...as the sun is usually only dangerous if one is stupid enough to look straight into it, or is in the middle of a desert...but the idea of the sun showing purposeful aggression is a very interesting one, while the penultimate line is very thought-provoking as it can be taken either metaphorically or literally, while the contrast between 'my heart is frozen' and 'my heart it burns' is absolutely fascinating.
ReplyDeleteBut in any case, I would personally have always put you at advanced level, but whenever my fellow moderators post their comments they are obviously at liberty to disagree with me...as I say I'm very burnt out at the moment and may have missed something but as far as I can see the standard of your work improves hugely with every task, and you were already producing damn fine work whenever I joined this blog,
In any case, well done again and I'll do my best to find something wrong with your next task (that was flippancy by the way...that happens at two in the morning),
Eoghan
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased to see that Eoghan's given a tremendous amount of feedback there, especially on metre - I'm sorry that I haven't been more prompt.
I agree with his evocation of 'the sublime' to decribe your work. There's a real sense of menacing beauty in this that remains tense throughout.
I do feel that some of the images are more confusing than others - e.g. 'My heart is frozen; will you keep me warm?' as an opening states that your heart is frozen, so it would be more a case of giving heat again than keeping you warm, as there's nothing to keep.
Fantastic ending though - you've got the heat/cold - blood/water juxtaposition nicely rounded off in a horrifying image. It makes you feel unconfortable in your own blood.
I wasn't sure about:
You’re gone but left behind a damaged storm
Cos I'm not clear on how a storm can be damaged - I'm not sure it's what you intended, but I'm sure it could be made into something good (the storm elements are nicely sumblime too).
Great to read this - sorry again for how slow my response has been. Take care,
Andy
Firstly, your rhyme is excellent, although you could, like eternity.forever and shiningstar, experiment with some soft as well as hard end-rhyme. You are also confident with the difficult techniques of caesura and enjambement, which is good to see. Whilst I don’t see evidence of internal rhyme, I do, nonetheless, see some outstanding use of alliteration – so well done on that too! :)
ReplyDeleteYour iambic pentameter is almost flawless, and left me tremendously impressed and awestruck – although it does rely on “violent” being two syllables rather than three, and also on the absence of a necessary pronoun before “need” in Line 11 (in the same way that “past” in Line 8 could kind of benefit from a definite article, i.e. THE, beforehand). Let me know if I need to explain this?
If I am being picky, I would point out that “tears” are plural (i.e. more than one), so it should be “they” his away my smile. (Don’t you just HATE English teachers!). Also, you don’t need the semicolon in Line 6 as the line functions perfectly without it, and Line 13 only needs a comma after “fury”; whilst you could do with a semicolon at the end of Line 11.
Lastly, again being very picky (don’t be cross!), the additional “it” in Line 14 seems somewhat unnecessary and archaic. How swapping it for something like “soon”?
All that said, the mere fact that I am able to be this picky and focus on what is all just ‘fine-tuning’ is evidence not only of how far you have come but also of what an adept and sophisticated poet you are becoming. Well done you! :)
Thank you so much for your comments everyone.
ReplyDelete=)
And I've made the few changes.