Englishguru Analysis 2: eternity.forever. (Task 38)

Don’t Turn Around

Don’t turn around.
She read the words again, counting to five as she did so. Then she pressed send.

This is a brilliant opening, with a perfect balance between what we don't know (i.e. who 'she' is, who is the recipient, what lies behind the warning) and what we do (i.e. she is nervous, double-checking the message and "counting to five" before sending it). I am instantly intrigued and want to read on and fill the gaps.

Phillips walks up to me.

I really like the sudden and dramatic shift here - from 3rd person to 1st person, and from past tense to present tense. Having been sucked in by the enigma of the opening, this throws us right into the centre of events.

“Evening, boss.”
“Good day?” I gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder in return for his smile.
“Not really. Chief made me sort out his office whilst she,” He indicated at Jennifer. “And himself went through this month’s budget.” I grinned.

I like the contrast between the two characters' interactions: a punch for a smile. But there are a couple of problems with this section. Firstly, you seem to have slipped right back into the past tense, which is confusing. And, secondly, the syntax and punctuation of the last couple of sentences needs revision, as it is somewhat clumsy at the moment. Your 'aside' ("he indicated at Jennifer") does not need to be a separate sentence, and can just be wrapped in commas; and I am often unhappy with the way in which students use "himself" (or "herself"). How about: "Not really. Chief made me sort out his office whilst she," he indicated at Jennifer, "went through this month's budget with him."

“What’s going on then? Chief sounded anxious on the phone.” My hair was still wet from the shower I had fifteen minutes ago.
“Two kids were found in the alleyway back there.” He turned around and pointed at the cornered off area. I nodded.
“Any witnesses?”
“None yet.”
“Forensics here?”
“They will be. But road works are keeping them up.”
“Can I go through?”
“I don’t see why not. You are my boss after all.” Phillips winked cheekily and walked me up to the crime scene tape. I turned around quickly.
“You holding up, kid? You look a little rough.”
“I’m fine, thank you. Do you want me to get you one?” He waved the extra large cup of coffee in his right hand, and I nodded with gratitude. What an amazing kid.

This is excellent and, above all, convincing, quick-fire dialogue. I like the fact that there is virtually no narrative, and, when there is, it is on seemingly secondary details like the wet hair or the large cup of coffee. As a reader, we get a number of things from all this: that there is an element of routine to it all; that the two officers are used to working together; that they have been called to the scene when they would rather be at home (I assume, from the coffee and the wet hair, in fact, that they would rather be asleep!). And "What an amazing kid" at the end communicates so much about the speaker, and about his relationship with Phillips, with just as much economy as the rest of the piece so far.

Charlie was already hovering above the corpses, trying to peer into the contents of the dead girls’ bag – with little success, mind you.
“Well, look who we have here.” I stood with my arms folded, looking smug.
His head spun around, quick as a bullet, before his smile lit up the gloomy alleyway.
“Davie boy, it’s been a long time. Heard it was your day off?”
“It was, until Halloween got to these two.” My chin pointed to the bodies.
“Yeah, shame. Young things. Remember when we were the hooligans?” He smiled.
“I wish I could forget.” I smiled back. He gave me a brotherly hug, his big build crushing my lungs.
“Ah, sorry mate, I’m like a giant, I am. Handshake?”
I shook his fat right hand.

Again, another economic conversation, but a very different relationship. I am very impressed by the way you manage to cram so much character into a small section of dialogue with limited narrative. Little details, like the fact that Charlie "hovers" over the bodies and Davie shakes his "fat right hand", and the 'smugness' of Davie pointing at the bodies only with his "chin" - these all contribute to the authenticity of the piece, a crucial ingredient of much of the best crime fiction.

Something clattered lower down in the alleyway – it took us seconds to sprint towards it.
“What was that?” Charlie whispered. I shushed him and walked over to a graffiti layered wall, riddled with colour and crumbling with age. Two bins lay knocked over at its base.
Behind the bins was a partial opening; I took out the pen torch from my jacket and climbed through. Dust caressed my skin as I walked deeper into what seemed to be a basement.

After all the dialogue, the noise in the alleyway comes as a very effective shock. I like the description of the wall too: "riddled with colour and crumbling with age". Excellent. There is something really powerful about the personification of the dust too, and it makes the reader share the experience.

My Blackberry vibrated in my trouser pocket. 1 new message.
I opened it. The three words were simple enough, something that I wouldn’t have done instinctively if I hadn’t been a police officer.
Don’t turn around.
I turned around.

I like the short sentences here, which build the tension skilfully. The double negative of the longer sentence is a little confusing though, and the effort the reader has to make to work it out deflects from the potential power of the final couplet: "something that I wouldn't have done instinctively if I hadn't been a police officer". I am still a little confused, to be honest. However, the return to the email message from the start is expertly done, and the cliffhanger brilliantly executed. Well done.

All in all, I thought this was a very effective piece, made stronger by your economical prose and dialogue. I think the ending needs a little bit of revision, and I would still have kept the main body in the Present Tense myself - but you have clearly been taught well by your own crime fiction reading, and your adept grasp of the genre shines through throughout. :)

Englishguru Analysis 1: Lilmiz (Task 37)

Each fortnight, from now on, I will comment in detail on ONE attempt myself, as a separate blog post. Although it is my hope that ALL of you are reading and learning from the moderating comments on other people's work each fortnight as well as your own, I thought it would be useful for you all if I picked apart one piece publicly, for all to see and in particular detail. N.B. Thanks in advance to lilmiz, who has unknowingly become the first 'volunteer' for this analysis.

Here goes...

Strike!

An intriguing title - suggesting any one of the following: people refusing to work; a football game; a military invasion; or some other sort of 'attack'. I like the dramatic ambiguity here.

My family and I were in Guatemala enjoying our holiday but something precarious occurred.

This first sentence is a little disappointing: it just smacks of the ordinary, that's all. The one interesting word here - "precarious" - is even rather tame, suggestive of mild danger as opposed to anything more interesting than that. I think this first sentence demonstrates where many of this week's attempts floundered a little: the minute I asked you all for 'travel writing', too many of you slipped into Primary School, autobiography mode, forgetting that non-fiction can benefit from a creative use of language just as much as any piece of fiction.

On August 20th at 20:46 we experienced an earthquake. It was striking, astonishing and perilous with everything drastically moving and shaking, it felt like being on a miniature boat in a storm. It was something that’s been welded in to my memory, trapped in my mind.

I like the directness of the first sentence here; the details of the specific date and time land us there ourselves as a reader. However, the group of three adjectives at the start of the next sentence seem a little forced and artificial - one would have done. Also, the syntax (sentence structure) of this sentence could be refined a little: try putting "and," after "perilous", thereby turning "with everything drastically moving and shaking" into a separate clause and reinforcing the simile at the end. On the subject of which, I was really pleased to see your first use of figurative language in this piece: however, I would have emphasised the smallness of your human experience amid giant nature by balancing out "miniature boat" with something like "gargantuan storm". I really like the metaphors in the final sentence - especially the idea of memories being "welded", so apt for an account of events linked to the earth's core.

Fear fiercely filched firm grip of me, my heart pulsating out of control. I took a well needed deep breath, and sprung in to apprehensive action. Firstly I rushed to my bed and got my pillow, this would protect my head from any falling rubble, I then scutled to the corner away from the window and the tall oak door this would protect me from shards of glass or wood. I was well protected. I was safe. I briefly looked to see if the rest of my family were out of harm's way. My parents clinging on to my terrified younger sister were taking shelter underneath the dining table. They were well sheltered. They were safe and sound.

Your piece is definitely warming up now, and I love the energy of this first sentence, rich in alliteration and metaphor. Not sure the first phrase completely makes sense though: "filched" is a quite old-fashioned word meaning "thieved" or "stole", and I am not sure it fits here. How about something like "Fear fixed me in its fierce grip..."? There's nothing actually wrong with "apprehensive action", but I'm just not sure it completely works: springing "into action" does not sound like an "apprehensive" move to me, that's all. The next sentence has loads of potential, but, again, the syntax needs some work. Look at my redraft here, and see how I have managed to refine the syntax to create a highly effective, complex/compound sentence: "Firstly, I rushed to my bed and got my pillow, to protect my head from any falling rubble, and scuttled to the corner which, away from the window and the tall oak door, would shield me from shards of glass or wood." See also how I have found a synonym for "protect" to avoid unnecessary repetition. I love the simplicity and brevity of the next sentence, fantastic contrast with the sprawling danger of the long sentence before.

A pedantic (i.e. fussy) point about the following sentence: "the rest" of your family is singular, and so the verb would be "was", rather than "were". The next sentence just needs one syntactical change: put "Clinging on to my terrified younger sister," at the very start of the sentence. By the way, I love the paradox (i.e. situation that doesn't quite fit together) here: your parents (whose role is to protect) "clinging" on to their "terrified" daughter (rather than shielding her): this really emphasises the scope of the fear felt by the whole family. Finally, the last two sentences work very well indeed - in their simplicity and in their similarity: a good use of contrast, again, with the complexity directly beforehand.

The whole thing lasted for an extremely hazardous, prolonged hour. But it had passed and I was safe, my family were safe and there was no damage to our holiday home- without taking note of our belongings stretched out on the floor. What a relief!

My issue with the first sentence here is, again, with the adjectives. Whilst it is true that adjectives can give essential depth to any writing, like extra shades on the writer's palette, sometimes they can seem a little extraneous (i.e. surplus to requirements), and sometimes a more figurative approach can work better. How about something like: "The next hour hung interminably, danger infusing the dusty air." See how I have made time metaphorical, and personified the danger you wanted to emphasise. I have said the same thing as "an extremely hazardous, prolonged hour", but to richer, more creative (and, therefore, more successful) effect.

I don't know if it is deliberate, but you have made excellent use of the "rule of three" (don't know if you have studied rhetorical devices like this in your English lessons?) in the next sentence; but I would change "without taking note of our belongings stretched out on the floor" slightly, to something like "apart from the sprawling pattern our strewn belongings etched on the floor". Again, I have taken a quite ordinary clause and enriched it with alliteration, metaphor and personification; important not to overuse these devices, but, equally, don't let them languish underused. Finally, I like the simple final sentence here - for the same reason I have liked your contrast of short and long sentences elsewhere so far: a very useful technique.

Several days later we were all sitting on the couch, around the T.V watching the news and we came to know that Mexico was hit by an earthquake of 7.6 on the Richter scale and more than 20 people died! It was a distressing catastrophe.

You will not be surprised to learn that the first sentence here is let down by its syntax, but could be saved so easily as follows: "Several days later, sitting on the couch around the TV news, we came to know that Mexico had been hit by an earthquake of 7.6 on the Richter scale and more than 20 people had died." Apart from my use of the 'pluperfect' tense (i.e. "had"), the only other change I have made is to turn the details of the TV news into a sub-clause, thereby firming up the structure of the whole sentence.

I don't like "It was a distressing catastrophe" at all, I am afraid. It is too 'in your face', too unsubtle, and leaves little to the imagination. Think about what you are actually trying to get across here: the fact that you were there! And think how you can get across that realisation, that 'dawning' that you were at the centre of a massive natural disaster, and that you were lucky to have survived. How about something really simple instead like: "How easily it could have been 24!" Do you see what I mean?

There are two major fault lines that go through Guatemala, so the country has a lot of seismic activity.
The volcano Fuego erupts several times per day, it sends immense clouds of smoke abating high into the sky. It is the only active volcano of the three that surround Guatemala and it is especially impressive. The first time I saw it, I stopped in ore and took some photographs, but the locals continued with their business as if nothing was happening! But we’d gotten used to it as well and only stopped to watch on occasion. At night, it was possible to see red hot lava erupt from the volcano, the best place to see this, is from café Sky. A cafe that is located on a roof of a building near a school, from where you have a magnificent, picturesque view over the town and the surrounding volcanoes.
Antigua Guatemala, as the full name of this town goes, was the capital of Guatemala (actually the entire Spanish colony covering what is now Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador, Honduras and parts of Mexico) until it was hit by an earthquake in 1773. The entire town was destroyed and in 1776 the capital was moved to Guatemala City, hence the name Antigua Guatemala, which means ancient Guatemala.
On August 20th at 20:46 we experienced an earthquake. It was striking, astonishing and perilous. It was something that’s been welded in to my memory, trapped in my mind.

I don't think the rest of your piece is necessary here, personally. Whilst I see what you are doing - giving us factual detail about your destination AND finishing with an echo of your phrase from the start of your account - I think the whole piece would be SO much better were you to finish at the end of the "Several days later" paragraph. Sometimes, detail is necessary; but, sometimes, less can truly be more. And if that were to leave the overall piece below the expected word count, then maybe return to the quake itself, and see what extra detail you could have added there?

All in all, therefore, I think your account is full of excellent writing, and I especially like the way you speed up and slow down events through long and short sentences. There is sophistication to much of what you write, and don't let the detail of my comments make you feel it isn't any good, because it IS! Just make sure your writing is never 'ordinary', remembering how useful metaphor can be in avoiding such a fate; and keep working on those complex and compound sentences, ensuring the syntax is spot on.

I hope this analysis has been helpful - to you and, indeed, to the other workshoppers - and I am really grateful to you for, unwittingly, being the first 'victim' of one of my in-depth analyses. Each week, I shall pick apart ONE attempt in this way, so that you can ALL learn from a comprehensive dissection of an attempt at the task. If anyone particularly wants to go next, just let me know.