Behold my heart, the dart has hit. Your sharpened point of pain. Your stories carried on and on, I stared at you in vain. The lies filled me with deja vu, Oh those, they grew and grew! One word shall end betrayal, so; To you, I bid, adieu.
It depends how pedantic and demanding you want me to be.
Essentially, it is great.
However, it would be even better still, in my opinion, if you had "dart" instead of "blade" in line 1, because of the allusions therein to Cupid etc. AND there is something a bit awkward about your d and e rhymes being the same (i.e. your Lines 6 and 8 rhyme sound is also at the end of Line 5).
Well, I AM supposed to be stretching you, aren't I? :)
Woah. :D I thought you wouldn't have noticed. I actually considered using dart, but then I thought that a dart wouldn't have much of a 'point'. :? I actually made a mistake whilst drafting the poem, I wrote line 5 thinking it was line 6. I had already finished the poem when I realised. But 'adieu' was the one word I really wanted to include, so I decided to leave it. :)
Almost perfect and brilliant.
ReplyDeleteJust have another look at Line 1 (one too many syllables) and Line 4 (who exactly is staring at whom?).
:)
Oooh. Okay Sir. ;D
ReplyDeleteI'll change it.
Better? (:
ReplyDeleteIt depends how pedantic and demanding you want me to be.
ReplyDeleteEssentially, it is great.
However, it would be even better still, in my opinion, if you had "dart" instead of "blade" in line 1, because of the allusions therein to Cupid etc. AND there is something a bit awkward about your d and e rhymes being the same (i.e. your Lines 6 and 8 rhyme sound is also at the end of Line 5).
Well, I AM supposed to be stretching you, aren't I? :)
Woah. :D
ReplyDeleteI thought you wouldn't have noticed. I actually considered using dart, but then I thought that a dart wouldn't have much of a 'point'. :?
I actually made a mistake whilst drafting the poem, I wrote line 5 thinking it was line 6. I had already finished the poem when I realised. But 'adieu' was the one word I really wanted to include, so I decided to leave it. :)
I think it's great.Well done!
ReplyDelete