My heart is the muddy pavement, Which you walked all over. My love for you was so lucky, Like a four-leaf clover. My lust for you forever burned, That passion; our candle. But you held us down so hard and rough, Like a rusty door handle.
However, the iambs are causing you some problems, aren't they?
In Lines 1-6, at least you have the right number of syllables, but, when you read them out loud, do you see how the stresses are falling in the wrong place?
Lines 7-8, you have too many syllables in each line.
I don't mean to appear critical, but you ARE capable of mastering the whole METER thing, and I need to keep pushing you until you do. :)
Impressive use of metaphor. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, the iambs are causing you some problems, aren't they?
In Lines 1-6, at least you have the right number of syllables, but, when you read them out loud, do you see how the stresses are falling in the wrong place?
Lines 7-8, you have too many syllables in each line.
I don't mean to appear critical, but you ARE capable of mastering the whole METER thing, and I need to keep pushing you until you do. :)