As the train came to a stop I knew this was it, dads held their sons tight as they knew this was the last time they would see them, but they could not say their last words, the train door banged. It was time. Now the train swarmed with troops, screams filled the train, I don’t know what came next, must have blacked out. it must have been a while since I had blacked out ‘cause now I was out of the train and in the camp. I would not lie down and die, I knew that this was it.
can i justify my piece sir? lol. i picked the holocaust because for loads of people it was a debut but they could never talk about it because there dead, im not saying i was in it but im saying that it would be unique.
ReplyDeleteo yh i picked it aswell cause it was my application and over 10 weeks i shoulda got better. lol
You were certainly right about the unique part Carl. ;D
ReplyDeleteYou picked a challenging topic to write about, and you did well on it too. ^^
Certainly a powerful narrative!
ReplyDeleteWords: 100 = 5/5
Syllables: perfect = 5/5
Figurative language: "swarmed" and "filled" are good uses of metaphor - but there is room for more (and for some similes too) = 2/5
Auditory language: I prefer your shortest sentence - "It was time." - to your longest ones. But there is room for alliteration and rhyme too... = 1/5
Structure: Powerful sense of moving towards a dark and terrible climax - although the bit where you 'black out' lessens the tension for a short while, which is a shame... = 2/5
Overall = 15/25
Well done!