Hand on the prop, heart in her mouth.
Death was her stage, lights turned right down. Shrouds of dead eyes, claps heard out loud. This was her night, she would end their fight.
Death was her stage, lights turned right down. Shrouds of dead eyes, claps heard out loud. This was her night, she would end their fight.
Step by step, the time grew short. Beat by beat, the veil shall fall.
Her script has no words, no lines to act to. But worn in her mind, was that line with a clue; “His heart went one way, so his life ends this day”.
The scene now etched in, it’s time right on queue. Her hand knew it’s time; his life's end was now due.
Her script has no words, no lines to act to. But worn in her mind, was that line with a clue; “His heart went one way, so his life ends this day”.
The scene now etched in, it’s time right on queue. Her hand knew it’s time; his life's end was now due.
I've changed it a few hundred times so let me know what you think.
ReplyDelete^^
your poem was so good i loved it. i had to read it twice to even fathom how good it was
ReplyDeleteand even though i don't completely get it, it's still a very good poem
well done !!!! :)
ROFL.xDD
ReplyDeleteIt's the debut of her first murder. ;D
And I'm glad you like it, thankyou.
^^
I loved it 2 .. although i thought it was time for her to die but now that you've explained it, it makes more sense. Still loved it though!!!
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I have to admit to being a bit confused by your use of different tenses - I think it would be stronger if you stuck to one (be it future, present OR past). Although it is certainly powerful stuff...
ReplyDeleteWords: 100 = 5/5
Syllables: perfect = 5/5
Figurative language: clever use of metaphor throughout, but sometimes a simile can be just as powerful (if not more so sometimes) = 4/5
Auditory language: I wonder whether you are perhaps making TOO much use of rhyme - so much so that it lingers above your other techniques. Good use of alliteration here and there too though... = 2/5
Structure: I may be being over fussy here, but I wonder whether you are perhaps being SO clever and obscure/abstract that your meaning becomes rather TOO elusive at times. Maybe it is the syntax of one or two of your sentences, but I am left still unclear as to exactly what is going on. There is a fine line between subtlety and opaqueness, and I am still trying to work out which side you fall... = 2/5
Overall = 18/25
Well done!