As the cold lorry came to a halt I could detect the anxiety In the air, whilst exterior Belmarsh had just erupted into pandemonium as it was to apprehend some new violators, one of which was me, yeah, me, Remorseful little me along with the Soham murderer and Hannibal the cannibal both of which were belmarshes’ finest. They probably will never have a future, me on the other hand I did, you’ll have the universe at your feet my mother once said. And now as I prevail at the gates of Beelzebub’s playground, I can’t help but deduce what if.
That's a VERY STRONG piece... Seriously loving it !!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteif you havent noticed by the way i tried to make a sort of ending by matching the 'universe at your feet' line with the 'beelzebubs playground' in a way that he didnt have the universe but instead he had belmarsh lol.
ReplyDeleteWhat a dark and sombre piece - original and enthralling.
ReplyDeleteYour opening (and very long) first sentence draws us cleverly into your setting, and the tension is sustained throughout.
I also love your final metaphor for the prison ('Beelzebub's playground') which is quite brilliant.
Other than that, your sentences are perhaps a little overlong - punctuation could have been used to more deliberate effect. But this remains a striking, and strikingly original piece. Well done.
Oh, and at 100 words and 150 syllables, you are spot on in that respect too. :)