Everybody's rushing. There's screaming. Wires are purposely scattered everywhere. There's re-assurance too - everything's going to be alright, however, I cannot do anything. It's all a blur. I'm barricaded from all the excitement. So I let
them persue
their job and stare at the white-washed walls. Then there's a pause, followed by silence. The rushings stopped. The screamings finished. Wailing is introduced. Although it is faint, everyone's listening. The door to which all the commotion has occurred opens. A nurse steps out and I am invited in. And then I see it. A newborn. A baby. My new baby
brother.
Slightly too many syllables, I think (either 152 or 153 - it differs each time I count) but 100 words - so well done! Almost there...
ReplyDeleteAs for your narrative, I think it is excellent. You are particularly adept at creating (and sustaining) an atmosphere of chaos and panic throughout, until you finally resolve it with your surprise conclusion. This is expertly achieved - so well done!
Apart from your metaphorical use of the word 'barricaded' (which is excellent), however, there is a dearth of metaphor and simile: remember how much depth and texture this can provide.
That said, this does not detract from a very effective piece of writing indeed. Well done.