I gaze into your eyes perplexed by the cold callous emotion lurking within
You sigh then begin to murmur but stop.
The air between us is thick and heavy with unspoken tension,
I look fixedly into your eyes once again, trying to decipher the message that you refuse to deliver.
My eyes widen in shock because it is instantaneously clear.
I bow my head concealing the acrimonious tears that threaten to spill,
and as I break into a cold sweat, my blood painfully explodes through my arteries.
I feel my chest violently constrict,
And I know my heart is broken.
you could look at this as the first time she's had her heart broken and you could look at this as her first heart attack
ReplyDeletelol :D
to check how many syllables and words just use the website below
ReplyDelete:D
http://www.wordscount.info/hw/syllable.jsp
A couple of punctuation errors aside, this is near perfect.
ReplyDeleteNot only are you spot on with your word and syllable count (excellent!), but you also manage a perfectly pitched narrative which achieves all my objectives and more.
You use a polysyllabic lexicon (i.e. vocab) without it seeming too verbose (i.e. wordy), and your use of metaphor is expertly done.
I have read this several times, and it just gets better and better with each reading.
Well done!
P.S. I think it works much better as a case of someone's heart being broken; the literal interpretation is much weaker...