Exercise 1: Iambic Pentameters
I hate the fact that you don't hear my screams
I hate when you are in all of my dreams
Exercise 2: Trochaic Tetrameters
Never before have I hated,
But now this love is out-dated
Exercise 3: Dactylic Trimeters
In a word, I dont care about you
Exercise 4: Anapestic Dimeters
When I cry, I just die
Without you, I can't fly
Exercise 5: Quatrain; abab; iambic pentameters
The sense of longing I feel for you now
Is almost too hard to bere but I live
I know we fell apart, but why and how?
I just want us to forget and forgive
Exercise 6: Quatrain; abab; anapestic tetrameter/anapestic trimeter/anapestic tetrameter/anapestic trimeter.
When I shout, I simply do not care who is near
But I guess I should know when to stop
And I know you must think I am mad, you should fear
I dont mind I have not lost the plot.
Punk-Rock-Princess,
ReplyDeleteI'm very impressed with your second attempt at this assignment, and your exercises show a huge improvement.
1 – The first line here is perfect. The second needs reworded to stick to an iambic meter – would suggest this: “I hate when you appear in all my dreams”
2 – In the first line, I read ‘before’ as beFORE, which is iambic not trochaic. In the second line, I would remove ‘but’ and add the word ‘so’ before ‘out-dated’, which would look like this: “now this love is so out-dated.”
3 – Hmm, I'm not sure about this one. I think you can force it to read like dactylic trimeter, but it doesn’t feel natural. I want to accent the words ‘don’t’ or ‘care’ when I read it.
4 – very good!
5 – First line, I there should be an accent on the word ‘feel’, which disrupts the meter pattern. The second line doesn’t quite fit the meter either. To read it naturally, it should look like this: “Is ALmost too HARD to BEAR but i LIVE” which isn’t iambic. Third line is good. The fourth line starts off ok, but then switches into anapests: “i JUST want US (to forGET and forGIVE.)”
6 – I think this exercise is great! Very well done. The only meter problem I can see is “I simply” (which reads "i SIMPly" and breaks the anapestic pattern) but other than this it works well.
Great job here. Please let me know if you have any questions about my comments.
thank you [=
ReplyDeleteHey, Punk-rock-princess,
ReplyDeleteIn any kind of writing it's the editing that really makes stuff cool, and you've done well here. I can see that you've had a load of advice on specifics of metre already, so I'll try not to repeat things (and I'm not much of a poet :]).
First exercise: Well done with the amount of syllables. Your understaning's improved from the last execise, and it's a powerful couple of lines too.
Second: Again, you've got a good sense of the number of beats to each line, so well done. Also the comma use suggests you're giving a lot of thought to how this would be spoken - good stuff.
Third: You've done well to think about how this would be spoken naturally while keeping the right number of beats - using the comma is very good.
Fourth: Really nice sentiment with that one. Metre is perfect as far as I can tell. You have a good sense for using poetry as shorthand for much bigger events; I know these are just exercises but it still comes through - great work.
Fifth: I can see you've counted the beats perfectly again - it's just the stresses that don't fit sometimes. 'I know we fell apart, but why and how?' is a cool line, perfect rythmically and good use of grammar with comma a question mark.; sometimes people dismiss grammar in poetry too easily.
Sixth: Yeah - that's awesome. First line could be jigged around to something like 'when I shout, I don't care who can see, who can hear' or something to fit the rythm. It's an ace little poem and I like it a lot.
Hope that's useful. Looking forward to your next post. Take care,
Andy
Yeah, very useful ^^
ReplyDeleteThank you both!
[=
Hi Punk Rock Princess
ReplyDeleteLike Orange and Andy Parrott, I think this is a very impressive edit of your previous submission.
You have got more emotional power into each of the verses. In this version you have really personalised your narrator's experience, you have shown us her feelings about the person she has lost. This makes for a strong piece of writing. Your previous attempt was more distant because it showed your narrator viewing herself as she imagined the person she lost might see her. So writing about her feelings brings us closer to her.
The final two verses are much stronger too. Again you have explored two powerful feelings - longing and sorrow. This really lets the poem end with a powerful emotional punch and I prefer this to the more analytical ending of your previous version.
Well done!
ann g
1. First line is perfect, but the second reads more like two iambs followed by two anapests, don't you think?
ReplyDelete2. These are tricky. Line 1 reads more like two dactyls and one trochee (DUM dee dee DUM dee dee DUM dee); And line 2 is surely "but NOW this LOVE is outDATED". Not sure why, but the trochees appear to be the hardest for most people... :(
3. These are anapests, not dactyls
4. Excellent
5. Line 3 is perfect, but...
Lines 1 and 4 consist of two iambs followed by two anapests (like exercise 1); and Line 2 goes IAMB-ANAPEST-IAMB-ANAPEST. Do you see?
6. Lines 2-4 are great, but "simply" throws Line 1 a little...
Great work though - and you are catching up enviably here. Well done!!! :)