2. Blood boiling, churning at the thought of you.
3. Possessed with hate against your very soul.
1. Sharpened nails and brutal thoughts of you.
2. Fury takes control, my eyes ablaze.
3. Hatred settles in my violet veins.
2. Beautiful massacres soothe my soul.
3. Slaughtering innocent foetuses.
1. And I stare at your corpse.
2. Watch the blood trickle down.
3. For a Demon is born.
The day you said that I make you feel sick
I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry.
I thought perhaps it was some sort of trick
I felt inclined to watch you slowly die. :)
I will Slaughter you slowly but hard.
Just to see all your agony seep.
I will burn all your flowers and funeral cards.I won’t mourn over you, , but your heart I will keep.
Well done!!Fantastic poems!
ReplyDeleteHi there
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see those poems up! And I agree with 'Shinigstar', they're a really good job. The only thing is in the second poem you've done 2xtrimeter followed by 2xtetrameter, instead of tetra/tri/tetra/tri, which was the exercise. But they still read really well, and you've completely mastered the anapests, as well as the iambs in the first poem, so that's really good.
Unfortunately you haven't bothered to change anything else, though! Mostly everything was going well anyway, so that's not a disaster - but I really don't see the point in re-posting exercise 2 when you've already got the feedback on what's not working. It's a waste of time.
And 'SOOTHE my soul' is still not working as an anapest I'm afraid - the problem is really that we automatically put stress on 'soul': SOOTHE my SOUL. You need something more like 'COM-fort me', which has no stress on the final syllable. Get me?
So, well done on the poems, and as for the rest - nothing new to say. Keep going!
You've certainly mastered dactyls and anapests - although your trochees appear to be giving you trouble still (all the more reason for you to have taken on board the comments from last time!).
ReplyDeleteAs for the two stanzas at the end...
5. This is almost there, although if you look closely you will see that Lines 1 and 3 consist of two IAMBS followed by 2 ANAPESTS. Do you see what I mean?
6. As claire_a says, it's only your structure which goes astray here - the anapests are great...