It feels like love is synonomous with pain
she caught me, reeled me in and bound me tight
she chose my soul to torture and to maim
while my love wanders lonely like a kite
I like to argue with her even though
she twists my words, she cuts right through my pleas
i told her that i loved her she said: 'So?'
my valentine had brought me to my knees.
i said to her that i would find a girl
who'd love me for myself and nothing more
she'd care for me, we'd be eachothers world
she wished me luck and lauged me out the door.
so i just wandered home back to my mum
the only girl where i'd be number one
This is great - funny, sharp and skillful.
ReplyDeleteLine 1 doesn't quite work metrically though; and "love" needs stressing in line 4, as should "back" in line 13.
Otherwise, expertly done, and very impressive. Well done!
Hey, Naboo.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few spelling mistakes here that you could easily sort out – ‘synonomous’ should be ‘synonymous,’ ‘lauged’ should be ‘laughed.’ Why not try writing the tasks in Microsoft Word, where you can check the spelling, before cutting and pasting your work onto the blog? Also, you should capitalize the letter ‘I’ when you’re using it as a first person pronoun.
These are little criticisms, though, because there is much for the reader to enjoy here. I like the humour of the last two lines. By prioritising the mother-son relationship, you subvert the conventional wisdom that says a romantic, heterosexual relationship is the ultimate type of human bond. However, this serious point is made in a sweetly self-effacing manner that is really very charming. I think that your sonnet is intelligent, winning, and a joy to read.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Helen