I know you never cared much about me
But what you did with her, you crossed the line
My heart was locked, only you had the key
And I wanted to be your valentine.
You thought you saw a tear roll down my face
But you should know by now, I never cry.
Sadness on the outside? Never a trace
On the inside I hurt, that's where I cry.
And you'll buy her roses on the 14th,
You'll be kissing her lips instead of mine.
I'll smile, my feelings buried deep beneath,
But I wanted to be your valentine.
Now that I'm sitting here thinking it through,
You're holding her, and I'm longing for you
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSonnet's are ace for writing about longing, so good idea, and well done with it.
You have some lines that are really strong iambics, like 'You thought you saw a tear roll down my face', you've counted beats well, and have a cool rhyme scheme. There is the odd line that loses the metre, but you can juggle stuff around to fix that:
Line three could become 'you only had the key.'
Line four could be 'I wanted just to be your valentine' - at the minute you have to say wanTED.
Lines five and six are awesome by the way.
Line six and seven go a bit trochaic - maybe try 'of sadness on display there is no trace/ My inside's where I hurt and where I cry.'(Also - Ace sentiment)
Again with the next few lines, there's some metre issues - focus on starting the line with a softer word. The third line from the end could maybe be 'I wanted just to be your valentine' and the last line could be:'You're holding her, and I must long for you.'
So, yeah - there's some metrical bits you could iron out, but this is a cool sonnet. You've captured some powerful emotions, and the rhymes work really well with that.
Well done. I look forward to your play scripts, if that's what's next - I'm having to write one at the minute, and it's tricky but fun.
Andy