1.My life revolves around Iambic verse.
2.Creative writing does my head right in’.
3.If ‘work for idle thumbs’ meant this, I’m stuffed.
4.The crack cocaine engulfs his futile self.
5.Deoxyribonucleic acid rules!
6.Pulsating blankly, leaving all behind.
7.The world obeys me, time slows lazily.
8.He failed English, many mock his work.
9.For many people, life is the abyss.
10.He was mere inches clear of certain death.
11.McDonalds really needs inspecting.
12.Now I am close to meeting destiny.
13.In victory lies joy unlimited.
14.Within defeat lies charted defiance.
15.Inside most acronyms lie obscenities.
16.In life you either make or break the rules.
17.If life were politics, we’d all be fish.
18.What's mine is yours, and what is yours is mine
19.I really don’t want iambs in my brain.
20.If Churchill were in charge we’d all be fine.
1. Outside the window.
I witness power. Tearing men themselves
limb for limb, then eye for eye. No morals.
2. What I’d like to eat.
The humble chicken, is the butt of many
jokes. What do you tend to choose, leg or breast?
3. A recent dream.
I recently was visited by my
old inner caveman, he was hypnic too.
4. Annoying tasks overdue.
Once upon a time, I got stuck on task
Five. Playing with the temper of the Man.
5. My body
Thy heart beats, freely within thy chest. Since
ne’er did I see such a fair maiden.
first post for me in year 10, guess the expectations even higher now hey sir? just need to clear up some points about this piece first though.
ReplyDelete1.For those who don't know, Deoxyribonucleic acid is D.N.A.
2. I have to admit for the last 3 or 4 of the singles, I did look up famous speeches then iambically tweaked 'em.
3.The 'Hypnic' bit is a Phenomenon passed down from cavemen. Supposedly that jerk that people sometimes feel when falling asleep. It's the reflex that stoped cavemen from falling out of trees.
4. The man (as in the chief) is of course the 'englishguru' hehe.
5. I didn't really try to blow my mind too hard on this task, just tried to look at it as a bit of fun to welcome me back (the keyword there being 'tried' ;)).
Hope it's up to scratch.
Carlsberger.
Hello! This is my first Task as a moderator. It was a pleasure and a privilege to read your work - and I hope that in return my comments are helpful ones! Thanks for your comment, it helped clarify a couple of things for me - and 'hypnic' is word I shall be adding to my mental dictionary :)
ReplyDeletePart One:
The narrator of 1 & 2 doesn’t seem to be a big fan of Task 29 – but even if this wasn’t your most enjoyable homework, you’re certainly very good at it! Almost every line is in perfect iambic pentameter. I like the way you’ve spotted the iambic pentameter present in familiar phrases such as ‘work for idle thumbs’, and re-contextualised it, using it to your advantage. A few of your lines are like aphorisms themselves – numbers 9 &12 stand out. You’ve therefore shown genuine skill; in coming up with memorable, pithy lines, and in recognising how enduring, how hard-wired into Western language, the iambic pentameter is.
There’s only a few times when you don’t tick all the syllables/stress/feet boxes. Full marks for use of the phrase ‘deoxyribonucleic acid’ - it’s great you’re using such interesting language, from such a stereotypically (heavily inverted commas) “unpoetic” field. However, ‘rules!’ does make this an eleven syllable line. Line 15 is also a syllable over – whereas line 11 is a syllable under. However 15 is, once more, an almost Wildean quip. A memorable phrase, but one that could be even more long-lasting if it fitted the iambic pentameter form. Could you rephrase it?
Part Two
Once again you’re showing a real flair in the content of your lines. I like the reworking/reversal of Old Testament ‘eye for an eye’ morality in the ‘Outside the window couplet’. However, be careful; on the second line you lose the iambic form (it’s stressed ‘LIMB for LIMB’, etc.)
There are a couple of other times when you’ve one syllable too many/few. I like the witty, dry tone of ‘What I’d like to eat’, but the first line is eleven syllables, and the final line of ‘My body’ is one syllable too short. My favourite couplet is ‘A recent dream’; not only is it in perfect iambic pentameter, but I *love* the image of the ‘old inner caveman’. Something Freudian, an admission of holding out-dated values…? Not only is it a captivating image, but it is ambiguous in its layers of meaning; perfectly poetic.
I hope that Task 29 has confirmed your mastery of iambic pentameter. It’s certainly shown the great content of your lines - from pithy, witty adages to more serious, contemplative modes, this is excellent work.
Thanks for the comment sarah, although I'm still in a sence of shock. I've not covered iambs in about 3-4 months and to know that I don't have to kick my brain too hard to adjust to rythym again ;). Anyways thanks and I'll look forward to futher marking.
ReplyDeleteCarlsberger.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteAs Sarah says, you have an excellent grasp of iambic pentameter. I'm sure you can work out some of the imperfections by reading aloud or turning up that internal voice. Just one additional thing to keep in mind: make sure the meter doesn't force stresses on normally unstressed syllables. Check out "defiance" in line 14. While technically you can force it into the correct meter, the first syllable of "defiance" would normally not be stressed.
"my life revolves around iambic verse" is technically perfect, and also cleverly describes how strict rhythm can be overwhelming. You have the technique and can set off with confidence from this base.
My favourite line is:
"The crack cocaine engulfs his futile self." The sound brialliantly enhances the meaning. The harsh "c" alliteration pounding home the stressed syllables. followed by the subtle play of "f" sounds which emphasise the muddled state of mind. A lesser poet would perhaps have used "soul" at the end, but the "f" sound brings the much better "self." This line is genuinely poetic, powerful and accomplished.
Look forward to more.
pax
Thanks Pugnax, it's good to get some feedback from a familiar face (if that makes any sense? :)). As I said to sarah, it seems like the skill of Iambic verse at least has stuck in my mind. (I've jinxed it now :s).
ReplyDeleteI'll look foward to futher commenting.
Carlsberger.
Hello again, Carlsberger!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your writing - glad that I'm helping to moderate you again this year :).
I have a couple of comments about the caesurae punctuation first of all - I know this task is focusing on some technical things, but given the strength of your writing, I'll flag up some other things too! I think it should be a dash or semicolon or colon in number 8, rather than a comma - "many mock his work" is an independent clause. The same in number 7 - "time slows lazily" is independent.
Your iambic sense is excellent in the first half of the task, and there are some lovely, funny lines too. It's a shame that number 15 is just slightly off: in order to have strict iambic pentameter, you'd have to have something like "Inside most acronyms, obscenities" - it's a rather more archaic way of saying the same thing, but otherwise there's a bit of a rush, as "lie" and "ob" both need to be unstressed.
In part two, I'm not quite sure of the sense of "Tearing men themselves / limb for limb" - to me, this doesn't sound like ordinary speech. My experience is usually that if something sounds a little off, it's because it's something someone wouldn't normally say that way.
I LOVE the "recent dream" couplet, though - clever stuff. I'd change it slightly, though, to "I recently was visited by some / old inner caveman; he was hypnic too". It's a subtle change, but it just sits a little more comfortably with the iambic rhythm.
Very well done, and I look forward to your next piece.
Cheers,
Penny
I fear I am duplicating things here, but I shall make these points nonetheless. If I am repeating the other moderators, then I guess there’s no harm done. ☺
ReplyDeletePart 1
There are so many simply wonderful lines here, with iambic meter perfected again and again. I particularly like (1) and (19) – how fantastic to write iambically about iambs! And also the wry humour and wit within (3) and (20) – so difficult to create rhythm which sounds as natural as this, without sacrificing any of the punch of your meaning/language itself. And (16) and (18) are great too – brilliantly iambic epigrams indeed.
I am not sure “right in” quite works at the end of (2), just as I think “slows” (7) and the first “his” (8) dodge the necessary rhythm. Similarly, “defiance” (14) is stressed wrongly, and “obscenities” (15) creates one too many syllables for the line (or maybe “lie” does). Line 11 is missing a syllable at the end too, and Line 10 seems to start with a trochee before the four iambs. Most brave and impressive – and yet ultimately unsuccessful – is Line 5. What an amazing idea: if only de-ox-y-ri-bo-nu-cle-ic were one fewer syllable in length!
Part 2
1: It’s line 2 that lets you down here – it is totally trochaic.
2: Line 1 is one too many syllables, leading into 2 or 3 trochees at the start of Line 2.
3: This is fine – but now you need to aim to USE enjambement – i.e. to make sure the word which hangs across lines does so for a REASON (look at the NO and the YES in Angel_K’s effort).
4: Line 1 is x3 trochees before the final x2 iambs; and “Five” really sounds like it should be stressed.
5: Same point re. enjambement as in (4); also, a syllable missing in Line 2 – and be careful when you use archaic language (thy/ne’er etc.) that you are not only doing so so that it fits the rhythm. :)
You should be immensely proud of what you have produced here. That I am able to pick up on such relatively minor issues is testament to just how well you have done with this so difficult of tasks. Well done you!
cheers for the comment penny. As for you sir, well, thanks for the constructive critism? :D. Na I'm joking, seriously thanks for the comments guys. Glad to hear I'll be moderated by you for this year penny, I'll look foward to futher comments.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
Carlsberger.