It hurts to look; you’ve gone so far from me.
The past it holds on, never letting go.
It shines so bright yet darkness stays all night
A mistake, took you away from my path.
I feel the pain it’s growing inside me.
A secret, keeps the real you apart from
Us all and hides you being truly found.
Your voice; it’s nothing but perfect in sound.
The truth it hurts, you want to hear the lie.
It’s hard to believe I’m not by your side.
Your smile it colours beauty through my life.
Your love, it’s gone. I’m left to wait and wait.
I’m like a riddle; difficult to solve.
It’s not the same but you won’t understand.
I thought you had the key but I was wrong.
It’s now too late and nothing can be done.
Your music plays and makes you want to move.
A problem always finds its way to me.
You sometimes hear and see what’s not been there.
I walk all alone, somewhere no one knows.
1. Outside the window
The trees they wave at me in silence. Yes
They make it beautiful; a lovely view.
2. What I’d like to eat
Its ice cream that I want, it’s soft and melts
Like snow and reminds you of winter days.
3. A recent dream
It was too real. I stood too close that’s why
I fell off however it was a dream.
4. Annoying tasks overdue
It’s hard to find the peace when stress has no
End; papers suffocating you to death.
5. My body
My eyes is light in the most unclear fog
It’s big and bright; so special just for you.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGood to read your work again. Hope all's good.
It's clear from lines like this:
'It hurts to look; you’ve gone so far from me.'
That you've understood the task well, and I like your sensory details.
Some lines, such as:
Your voice; it’s nothing but perfect in sound.
Are a bit ambiguous, and I'm not sure about the rythm.
If we look at:
The past it holds on, never letting go.
There's a bit of confusion in the beats. If you read it aloud, the stress on 'on' doesn't quite fit. Try 'The past holds on, it never lets me go' or something.
Similarly here:
A secret, keeps the real you apart from
Us all and hides you being truly found.
- 'the real you apart' and 'hides you being' are losing the beat a little. Try 'hides you from being truly found' maybe.
These are pointers more than criticims though - it's clear that you undersrand what you need to do, it'sjust a case of re-reading a little. All in all you should be pround of these lines - especially the one about the music making you want to move; I'd like to see that in a longer poem.
I love your view from the window piece, and the ice cream lines. There is some rythm stuff to look at in these, but as we've already covered that I'd rather focus on what you've done creatively.
These are all very good uses of your tools - keeping 'End' untilthe following line, for example, is a great way of representing what you're dicussing. Also, your similies, such as 'like snow' is great.
With some bits you have stretched what sounds natural a little, such as 'What I'd like to eat it's ice cream.' I realise that you were conscious of including enjambement, but make sure that what you're saying still works as a complete sentence.
Really good work, again. I'm sure you're proud of your first piece of the term, and you should be. Well done, and take care,
Andy
I've just realised I've been readig the titles into your poems on the second part - it was me that took the emjambement too far! appologies,
ReplyDeleteAndy
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou've really engaged with this task - I'm impressed with the ease of the rhythm of most of the lines here. "A problem always finds its way to me" is a great line, and is tightly written iambically. Same with "It's not the same but you won't understand" and "It's now too late and nothing can be done".
I think the most impressive thing about these lines is how unforced they sound - this is something someone might say, and it fits perfectly into the rhythm. I think the problems arise when you employ more "poetic" language or syntax: the couplet "A secret, keeps the real you apart from / Us all and hides you being truly found." doesn't quite work. How about something like "A secret keeps the real you from us all / and hides you. You are never truly found"? I like the sense of yours better, but unfortunately it just doesn't quite work.
A couple of things that I find help when I'm writing formal poetry - read your work aloud to yourself. Does anything sound a little odd rhythmically? Reading aloud - not trying to make the lines fit the metre, but reading them as they sound - always highlights any metrical problems for me.
For example, the "recent dream" couplet doesn't quite scan. I'd try maybe "It was too real. I stood too close: that's why / I fell. But it was just a dream". Try just looking at the others again - they're very nearly there!
Thanks for sharing - and this is an impressive first post. Well done.
Penny
Hello K; may I first say that the most impressive aspect of your poem was your use of end-stopped lines, as you chose a subject matter that was wholly appropriate. I have always viewed 'How do I love thee?' (Elizabeth Barrett Browning) as the perfect love poem, due to the intensity of an author trying to describe her love in every possible manner, but still constrict it into 14 lines so that the intensity is overwhelming; the sonnet form is the most appropriate. Similarly, as you are writing a poem of FAILED love, the opposite applies; end-stopped lines are appropriate as they present a certain distance and alienation, a sense of not having enough words to express feelings rather than too many words, a sense of trying to express these feelings over and over again with each line. Your very evocative use of caesuras emphasise this.
ReplyDeleteThe two lines that I feel best exemplify this are lines 2 and 18. "The past it holds on" is a complete line as it says all that needs be said, but your appendage of "never letting go" shows that you are unwilling to let the line go, just as the past is unwilling to let the narrator go. Similarly line 18 works so well because you only say "A problem"; you don't stress whose problem it is and I feel this underlines alienation and distance even more acutely, as "YOUR problem" would denote connection on some level.
Your imagery is similarly solid in part 2. Couplet 2 denotes a connection that line 18 denied, as the narrator instinctively knows how ice cream makes the narratee feel, but this works with ice cream and snow due to the obvious connotations of passion frozen over. Couplet 3 also works due to your rather jarring rhythm, and the somewhat cold and emotionless rendering of something that is physically painful; the jarring rhythm demonstrates the physical pain, but the cold sentiment betrays passions that have become numb.
Really the only criticisms I can give are the same as Andy and Penny; the rhythm. As they have already said, the rhythm is largely handled very well, and indeed you have handled all of the challenges (caesuras, enjambement, end-stopped lines, and iambic pentameter) very well. Indeed I should imagine that the few examples of questionable rhythm are all due to fitting your ideas into iambic pentameter.
The couplet of lines 6-7 is one example; Penny and Andy have both given very good variations that I can't really add to, but one slightly different idea I did have was "A secret keeps the real you from us all / You cannot and will not be truly found".
But overall this is great work and you have an obvious flair for imagery,
Eoghan 'Sycophant' Lavery
I fear I am duplicating things here, but I shall make these points nonetheless. If I am repeating the other moderators, then I guess there’s no harm done. :)
ReplyDeletePart 1
Firstly, I especially love the four lines:
• I’m like a riddle; difficult to solve.
• It’s not the same but you won’t understand.
• I thought you had the key but I was wrong.
• It’s now too late and nothing can be done.
This demonstrates just how brilliantly you are able to write iambically.
Therefore, I can’t see the few times you trip up as much more than blots on an otherwise impressive poetic landscape. I would, however, rephrase the following lines as follows:
• A small mistake, it took you from my path
• I feel the pain, it’s growing deep inside.
• A secret separates you from us all,
• Preventing you from ever being found.
• Your voice is pure perfection when it sounds.
• I can’t believe I am not by your side.
• I walk alone, to somewhere no one knows.
And in these two lines, whilst the rhythm works I am not sure the lines do. So I would rephrase them as follows:
• Your smile it spreads its beauty through my life.
• Your love, it’s gone. I’m left to wait and cry.
Part 2
Firstly, I love some of your enjambement, much of which is very sophisticated indeed, especially the way you leave “Yes” (1) and “No” (5) hanging over between the lines, thereby giving emphasis to both words with tremendous skill. I also love the iambs at the end of (4): “suffocating you to death” – polysyllabic iambs can be SO effective!
Again, apologies for repeating the others when I point out the following words not quite fitting: “reminds” (2); “however” (3); “end” (4). And I think (5) is perhaps your weakest – it just doesn’t work for me I am afraid.
All in all, though, this really is an OUTSTANDING start to the year. Whatever you may think, you really are a force to be reckoned with on this blog.
Wow, the content of your poems is great,especially the 'annoying tasks overdue.The only thing that needed improving was the beat since you occasionally went off ( reading aloud does help).In part 2 the way you did the enjambment was really clever.
ReplyDeleteWell done!!!