Sonnet
I once was sure i loved you too; I did.
I undoubtedly dreamt of me, you and
The moon; on some lonely side street. A quid
I gave you, and you used your skilfull hand
to give me one very professional
Blow job; oh god forbid. It was indeed
only a dream. I loved you then I might
still do; depends on me and my small need.
Our future doesn't seem to be bright
Maybe because you are so many miles
Away from me. My love is not easy
to come across; it very rarely smiles.
Baby please don't, please don't forget; angry
is not something i intend for you to
feel towards me. Distance I can't undo.
hello again!
ReplyDeleteiambic pentameter, wahoo... the joys of a tricky poetic device. lets see how you got on...
immediately, the first line is fantastic, you even have caesura there! well done. the following line however stumbles a bit on 'me,you' but the enjambement is okay, i suppose the stress pattern on 'me,you' could be said to give the words more significance...! so i'll let you get away with that, but you stumble a bit on the next line with iambic as well 'side street' is equally stressed. caesura good as well on 'a quid'. fourth line is perfect, watch your spelling on 'skillful', or else the stress could be out. "one very" isn't iambic, the stress is on the 've' bit not 'ry'. the enjambement here makes the next phrase 'blow job' more dramatic! good effect, interesting choice of content though! and a well thought out line, lots of caesura to make a more startled thought pattern. you're perfect on all your iambic pentameter until 'our future doesn't seem to be very bright', it's iambic but its not pentameter! you have one too many feet there, so perhaps remove the 'very' and you have a good line there too.
i love the line 'maybe because..', it flows really well, the regular pattern enthasises the idea of being far away, as does the use of enjambement. the following line, though, doesn't make too much sense, the caesura bit, you might want to work on that (;very often compiles').
'baby please...' struggles a bit coz they are hevay stresses so not iambic but they do enthasise the pleading nature of the sentence, the rest of the poem, though, flows beautifully, honestly. very original! especially the really striking use of caesura in the very final sentence.
well done on sticking to the rhyming pattern, however it would have been nice to see if you could have challeneged yourself with the turning (volte) of the problem after the first octave and concluding it in the final sestet, i think you could have coped!
anyway, well done, you have a lovely original sonnet here, you should be proud. you've used everything you were supposed to, and only made a few errors! :)
LMAO AT YOUR THEME HAHAH! i thought it was really good and it flowed really well so it didnt come across that you werre trying TOO hard even though you probably were :) great work fizzy... hope 2 read more like this :)
ReplyDeleteLOL !!!
Thanks for ur comments Aeonie
ReplyDeleteI changed it slightly?
I ddnt kno hw to go about with the octave (volte) challenge thing?... erm... ny ideas?
Interesting poem! I love your first line, your use of caesura is particularly effective. I also like your closing statement, “distance I can’t undo”. This gives us a real insight into your frustration, and is simple and truthful.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed a few problems with the pentameter. The natural stress in undoubtedly would fall upon “doubt”, yet it is forced to lay upon “un” and “ed” which sounds unnatural. Again on “lonely”, the stress falls upon “ly”, when it should be concentrate on the first syllable. Also, with the following “side street” your pentameter falls into spondee as they are such strong stresses. It is annoying when you have to change the words you want to use to fit with pentameter! This happens again with the words “blow job”, they are both stressed words so don’t fit with the iambic pentameter.
Be careful when using enjambment, as some of your lines tend to end a little oddly. Enjambment tends to be more effective when the words ending the line can stand on their own. This makes it more striking when you read the next line and it completely changes your initial impression of the words on the preceding line. You have done this well in “my love is not easy/to come across”. Maybe try adapting the words that end your lines.
I am really impressed with your use of poetic device, there is something interesting on each line which makes it a pleasure to read.
Hi Fizzy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting. You've already had a whole load of feedback, so I'll keep this brief!
I agree with the other moderators that your use of caesura is top-notch. You've clearly really got the hang of it, so well done! I'm also gald to see you that you're trying out enjambment, and experimenting with the form of your lines. I think that's commendable.
I also really appreciated the humour on display in the first part of the poem, and wondered if you could maybe bring some of that wit into the second half?
Keep on experimenting, and thanks again for sharing your work.
Helen
Hey Fizzy,
ReplyDeleteWow, great poem! Funny, insightful, entertaining. It’s really awesome. You seem to have definitely got the hang of iambic pentameter. You should be proud. The addition of the 5th line shocked me, and I feel it slightly stumps the flow, but it adds emphasis to the line, and in that the whole poem.
Some of the words seem to be slightly forced, such as “blow job” and “baby” as the stresses are on either both the syllables or on the first, rather than the second. However for the most part you have managed to fit words into the rhythm, and importantly haven’t used words that aren’t needed, just to fit to the rhyming scheme or to the iambic pentameter. The poem flows nicely and you’ve used enjambment and caesura well. I love the line “baby please…”, with the way it ends with the word “angry”, which is emphasised.
A wonderful poem! Can’t wait for the next one.
Oh and one more thing… a skilful HAND for a BLOWJOB? :)
Kat