When I close my eyes at times of darkness
My mind unclogs and I see your neat smile
When I am cold and I am defenceless
You make everything for me worthwhile
Your mystical presence is gently dear
So beautiful, comforting and so great
When you are with me I cannot feel fear
I am so fortunate that you're my fate
I knew that you were most definitely
Made just for me like I was made for you
You were written into my destiny
I love the way you're so honest and true
Every moment with you is a treasure
Keeping you in my heart is a pleasure
Sorry I'm Late Sir.. I Was Going To Post It Saturday Morning But My Internet Stopped Working..:S
You’ve pretty much got the sonnet form spot on; the rhyme scheme is perfect throughout, and there really are only a few niggles with your use of iambic pentameter. The first line is incorrectly stressed (‘when I close MY eyes AT times OF dark-NESS’ would be iambic – but isn’t the natural way to stress this line). On line nine, ‘definitely’ breaks the rolling iambic rhythm that you’ve got going. Aside from this – very good work! You’ve got the knack. On a stress basis, I like your use of MYST-i-CAL (it fits so well to the rhythm!) Also, you’ve clearly learned iambic pentameter can be used to emphasise the line’s key words; line 12 is a good example of this, but there are plenty of others. One thing, though, is punctuation – please remember to use it!
ReplyDeleteNow that you’re starting to master the formal elements of the sonnet, you need to work on the content of your verse. Love is obviously a pretty well-worn subject (to say the least!), and the language of love is well-established. Your sonnet is written very much using this language; ‘destiny’, ‘fate’, ‘honest and true’. They’re over-familiar ideas, which mean your sonnet is at times a little cliché, a little cheesy (the last rhyming couplet is an example of this)
This isn’t at all surprising – even the best, most experienced writers can find it hard to shake off the constraints of “love language” and do something different, so don’t worry! I believe that the best way for you to improve this poem would be to focus on the concrete, rather than the abstract. ‘Mystical presence’, ‘fate’, ‘destiny’; they’re all familiar terms, but what do they really MEAN? To animate these words with some emotion again, SHOW the reader the mystical presence/fate/destiny, rather than just tell them about it. Let’s take a look at a very famous sonnet; Shakespeare’s sonnet 18 (you can Wikipedia it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet_18) Shakespeare’s sonnet deals in an abstraction (love), but animates it through physical, concrete details: ‘rough winds’, ‘darling buds of may’, and so on. Try it out: rooting your poetry in real, honest, relatable language, and depicting abstractions by the use of actualities. Couple this with your skill at the nuts and bolts of the sonnet form, and you’re onto a winner!
I like some of the ideas that you have included in this poem, “you were written into”, and “I was made for you” are especially nice lines.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you don’t get too tied down by the rhyme scheme. Although all of your lines rhyme perfectly, it sometimes feels as if you are forced into a word through the constraints of rhyme. For example, “is gently dear” sounds a little forced. It can be difficult to find the right words to rhyme, but try to concentrate on the content rather than be ruled by the rhyme.
I’d steer clear of large abstract ideas such as destiny and fate, and concentrate on smaller, more personal ideas. This makes the poem much more meaningful. That isn’t to say that these ideas should never be used in poetry, but you have to be comfortable with the smaller ideas before you can use abstract ideas in an original way.
Your pentameter is good. As Sarah has pointed out the individual flaws I won’t reiterate them. I’d just say to double check after you’ve written the poem to make sure everything fits right. This is a definite improvement on your first task, well done!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteBoth Sarah and Gina have made excellent points here to do with the iambic pentameter itself, so I think I'll concentrate on a few moments of missing punctuation.
As said by the others, your rhyme is good and the rhythm not quite so good, but that can be fixed. The way I would punctuate this is as follows, but see what you think - some of these are the only option, and some of them are more personal decisions!
Line 1: comma at the end of this line.
2: full stop at the end.
3: comma.
4: full stop.
5: colon.
6: full stop.
7: semi-colon.
8: full stop.
9: nice enjambement!
10: colon.
11: full stop.
12: semi-colon.
13: full stop.
14: full stop.
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Penny
Hello again, having once again found myself the last person commenting, I'll try not to repeat what has already been said. Obviously the only criticism that could be brought against your poem is the use of iambic pentameter, but that shouldn't be any problem for you, as mastering the technical side of creative writing is always easier than mastering the creative side, and you've got some very interesting creative touches here that I wanted to look at. First-off I agree with comments already raised about an already established language of love, and Gina's comments about the use of abstract ideas. My view of abstractions like fate or destiny is that they can work very well if you personalise them, and indeed you've written a poetic tombola of allusions which range from the large and abstract to the small and personal. 'I am so fortunate that you're my fate' is an example of a large abstract concept, but this could be personalised by detailing why the narrator describes this person as their fate. Indeed the love you are describing is a very specific kind of love, which very much works in your favour. It is clearly more of a spiritual than a physical love, and you frequently hint at an impending future love rather than a present one with future concepts such as fate and destiny, and your opening allusion to darkness, as the darkness of death is the future of life. It is the more unique personal touches that individualise your poem, however, with phrases such as 'mind unclogs', 'neat smile', and 'gently dear' being somewhat different than the usual language of love; less intense but therefore possibly more interesting. An exercise you could try is that for every detail you TELL the reader, such as 'You were written into my destiny', try and think of how to SHOW the reader this detail. Now obviously this isn't always something you need to worry about, as your poem is rich with some very interesting descriptive touches that don't need to be illuminated because the mystery behind them is fascinating enough as it is, but the exercise is useful just so that you yourself have a deeper understanding of the characters and the world that you are trying to create.
ReplyDeleteOverall, however, this is just food for thought. This sonnet shows further potential and I'll finish with my favourite line, 'When I close my eyes at times of darkness' as I find the contrast between the external darkness of a room with no light, and the internal darkness of closing one's eyes, a very evocative concept; using darkness to shut out darkness.
Well done again,
Eoghan 'writing at times of darkness' Lavery
Thank You for the great poetic advice. Hope it helps.
ReplyDelete