A word that many say we should not use
Because the meaning is too strong.But I,
For many years, put up with your abuse
I even used to wish that you would die.
The way that you would walk into the room
Would make me want to run away and hide
Because one move would take me to my doom.
To know this now do you feel satisfied?
To know that it was you that left me down.
To know that I could not get over it.
For you made me the hate of all the town,
And then you cut me up in little bits.
So now that you are dead, I do not care
Because not I can live life with no fear.
hey,
ReplyDeleteyour poems great! i like how powerful and well developed your ending is as your telling a story within the sonnet. I think one tiny mistake made was in the last line the word "not". I think its meant to be "now" lol but otherwise I think this poem is really really good. xx
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteWell done with the iambic pentameter. I can really tell that you understand this poetic rhythm. You've also got a lot of very strong end-line words (doom, down, fear, hide); they really enhance the mood of your poem because, visually and rhythmically, they stand out so much.
What I would recommend for the revision of this poem is to pay more attention to concrete images. You've already done it - as in the line, "And then you cut me up in little bits" - so now it's time to experiment with other images this poem can show us. You did very well writing about an emotion, but I would urge you to think about different ways that we can see and feel it.
For example, just to prompt your thinking, consider your line "Would make me want to run away and hide." I think this line is an excellent opportunity for some imagery. Where does the speaker usually hide - a closet? Under a desk? In the shadows? Do they just sink lower into a chair in the hopes that this person won't see them? And what does the speaker feel while they are doing this? Is their heart pounding? Does their head feel light?
Well done so far! Good luck with revision.
Maria
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteWell done with this! You’ve got a great sense of iambic rhythm and you’re working within the sonnet form exceptionally well. It is wonderful to see strong emotions explored and enhanced within a tight technical framework, and as I said in the previous task, your use of strong emotions gives an added charge and drive to your work, all of which I admire.
In order to further your poetry - and this is only a small thing - it might be an idea to incorporate some figurative language. I enjoy the narrative voice within the poem, but you might want to veer away from the prosaic and instead use similes and metaphors to express? I think if you do this your poetry will dazzle us even more.
Well done!
Liz
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteYour voice is raw, powerful and unique.
You don't want to lose that, but hopefully you will experiment with some tradition figurative language. Not only does it help the reader relate to your work, but it's fun. Really. Writing's tough enough, we all need "toys" to keep at it.
I read through some of your work from last year. Your voice is very effective in prose pieces (Track 11 is chilling, evocative and beutifully written) and especially powerful in short plays. You do seem resistent to traditional figurative language, but as Maria pointed out your rhymes form a kind of visual image.
The line:
"For you made me the hate of all the town."
is a kind of visual image based on metre. I can see how "me" and "hate" are linked and outnumbered by the surrounding "you" "all" and "town". You've subverted the syntax (a prose version might be "You made the whole town hate me") making "hate" a noun instead of the action of "all".
The placement of the stresses mirrors and expresses the position of the persona. It creates a real feeling of being trapped. Even if the reader can't relate to that specific experience, or even that level of hate, they can find space to relate to the more general experience of being cornered by anger, hate or other emotions.
It is a kind of imagery, subtle and clever.
I hope this helps. Another strong piece of writing. You do have to be true to your voice - and it is a talented voice. I'm intrigued by what's going to come next.
pax
Firstly, I want to say how meteoric has been the development of your creative and poetic voice since you joined wordvoodoo. You are writing now with a sophistication and mastery which belies your age, and I look forward to each of your submissions with eager anticipation. So well done! Seriously.
ReplyDeleteAs for what could be improved, well I am really fine-tuning here, but anyway:
Line 3: colon needed at the end
Line 8: comma needed after now
Line 9: should “left” be “let”?
Line 14: “not” should be “now” (beware of careless errors like that); and “without” would work better than “with no”.
More generally, whilst your enjambement is often good, your caesura is minimal, and you are also limiting yourself to largely monosyllabic words, whereas a more polysyllabic linguistic armoury would serve you well. Similarly, a more figurative approach would benefit your writing in future, as it is often original IMAGES that stick most in the reader’s mind.
Thank you so much for your comments I was really nervous about this task and to hear fab comments like that have been a massive boost. Looking over it again I can see where I went wrong and I want to thank you again for commenting.Hopefully my next task will be better and I hope I don't disappoint.
ReplyDelete