The deep, red blood which pumps inside my chest,
Is rushing up into my aching head.
It's telling me to take a long deep rest.
Please tell me that my body is not dead.
I feel hard, stinging pain that unleashed from,
Under my moisturized, clear, beautiful
Skin. I hope I can still go to my prom
Tonight, it was a plan so wonderful.
Until this horrible disaster came,
Silently and very quickly to
Take away my popularity fame.
My voice that know sounds like a quite moo,
Leaving me alone to die by myself.
Slowly I’m gone to the top of my shelf.
The opening words “deep, red, blood” are all very strong words, each requiring a stress. This comes at the price of your iambic pentameter. This is seen again with “long deep rest”. I like the way that you have stressed “tell” in “please tell me”, as it sounds more like a command this way. Very effective! Think about the words you open lines with, as the stress will ideally fall on the second syllable. With words such as “Silently”, the stress falls awkwardly on the middle syllable.
ReplyDeleteBe careful that you don’t repeat yourself, or use unnecessary words, for example “alone to die by myself” sounds clumsy. If you were alone, the reader naturally assumes you’re by yourself. A simple way to rectify this is to add in some punctuation to emphasize this repetition, making it obvious that you meant to include it. “to die by myself. Alone”, for example.
Don’t let the rhyming scheme dictate your poem, sometimes it feels like you have forced your words to fit in with the rhyme, for example “my popularity fame” and “I’m gone to the top of my shelf”. It is difficult, but just play around with the syntax of the sentence, trying out different ways to move the words around to make more sense. Sometimes an alternative word works equally as well. I like the way you have used half rhyme, “beautiful/wonderful”, it is a useful trick that many people steer clear of. It can get you out of tricky spots and is often a refreshing change from strict rhyme. Well done!
Thank you for your advice, i will try and follow it in the future.
ReplyDeleteHi Neeq,
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. I really enjoyed reading it. It's a dark, and somewhat mysterious piece, that shows that you have a great deal of potential. I liked the fact that you keep clustering adjectives together - 'deep, red', 'long deep', 'hard, stinging.' It helps to unify the poem.
There are some slip-ups here, as Gina has pointed out. I was particularly disappointed with this line: 'My voice that know sounds like a quite moo'. It doesn't really make sense, and it feels really clumsy. You might want to think about rewriting this line.
Thanks again for sharing your work.
Helen
Hey Neeq,
ReplyDeleteI just want to start by saying this is a really good poem. You’ve managed to grasp iambic pentameter, and the majority of your rhymes work very well. However, some of them feel forced, and almost like you have chosen the words to fit with the rhyme, rather than having a rhyming word that fits with the poem. I especially don’t like the line “My voice that know sounds like a quite moo”. Not only do two of the words seem to be wrong, but the rhyme doesn’t make sense. However the first quatrain works really well, with the chest, head, rest and dead creating a good rhythm, and has a nice ring to it. I love the description of the body, with the three adjectives before the “skin” adding emphasis.
Good attempt, try working on it a little, can’t wait for the next task!
Kat
Hi Neeq. What I felt was most effective about this poem was that the sonnet form really does mirror the emotion very aptly. The feeling of physical pain is something that hits us so sharp and so quickly that all the various worries and paranoia that you have used to compose 14 lines of poetry, hit the victim of pain within a single instant. The immediate instant of pain is always the most potent and therefore all these responses are constricted into that one moment in exactly the same manner that you have constricted them into 14 rigid lines of poetry. Therefore you have used the sonnet form to mirror hurt. Therefore you are able to utilise some very extravagant set-pieces, without impairing the reader from identifying with the poem. For example, the rational knowledge of one's impending death is not an identifiable everyday feeling, but at that potent instant of contracting pain, the premonition of death is but one of many fears and worries.
ReplyDeleteAside from the obvious problems with, 'My voice that know sounds like a quite moo', really the only criticism that you need to overcome is your hold on iambic pentameter. You begin very well too. Your first four lines are almost perfect iambic pentameter, but after that it starts to slip somewhat. There are really only two causes for this, and once you've ironed those out you'll be fine. Firstly your use of enjambement is very effective, but the only problem is that occasionally acts to the detriment of your stresses. A self-contained line, for example, would not start like line 7, with the single word of 'Skin' before beginning a new sentence, and the fact that this sentence does throws the pentameter somewhat as the final word of a sentence has to go unstressed while the beginning of the next sentence, 'I', has to be stressed, rendering 'hope' unstressed. The other cause is your occasional tendency to place the stress on the -ING or the -LY, such as in the last two lines. These can be easily rectified, however. You have almost mastered iambic pentameter, and you have almost mastered enjambement. All you have to do now is to master them in unison, and reconcile one to the other, and I am confident you can manage this by your next assignment.
Well done again,
Eoghan 'burning the 2am oil' Lavery
sorry the line, 'My voice that know sounds like a quite moo', is actually meant to be a 'quiet moo'
ReplyDelete