Part One:
Sweeties are ridiculously awful
they're sugary and very bad for your health
And NO,the candy man can't. Cad bury fudge
I'm looking after Lucas, whens mum back
my course works getting harder each day F***
I'm missing Eastenders for work good choice
this sweet has the similar taste to soap
I'm now beginning to worry about my brother Lucas
oh damn! the sweets are all gone! I want More
Ive only got 9 lines to go I'm there!
cannot think properly my minds gone blank
I'm dreaming of bundles of pressies yay!!
blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank blank
Would I look clever using 2 words twice?
Or would it just look lame and quite lazy
who uses that word lame? That sounds quite lame!
Look up Iambic verse on Internet
Do we seriously need to do poetry?
I have started to think iambically.
Part 2:
Outside the Window.
Outside my window, stands some kids with hoods
And matches setting fire to some cars.
What I'd Like To Eat.
I am incredibly hungry and I
would really like some food. Chicken and chips.
A Recent Dream.
I dream of news agents lecturing me
and stamping hard on my packets of fags.
Tasks Overdue.
Time flies when you have got to meet a dead line
but what makes it worse is I'm half dead.
My Body.
My body is a tardis. Tardis's
are bigger on the outside than the in.
Hi, jaffacake. :)
ReplyDeleteYour first excercise made me smile! I know it's not meant to be taken as a complete poem, since it's just an excercise, but I definitely think it's an idea that could be carried further. There's just something about writing a poem about the experience of writing the poem that tickles me. I especially enjoyed the last line, 'I have started to think iambically.' If you ever made this a complete, polished poem, I would beg you to leave that line completely alone. It's true, and hilarious, and a great way to end a poetic dabble in iambic pentameter.
The one problem with the line (and parts of the rest of the excercise) is that it's not exactly in iambic pentameter (which pains me to say, because I love the last line so much). The good news is that it has the right number of syllables, so well done there.
Look to the following line of your excercise as an example of perfect iambic pentameter:
'Would I look clever using 2 words twice?'
would I look CLE-ver U-sing TWO words TWICE?
Read it out loud to yourself - a lot. Get the rhythm in your brain.
Now, once you've done that, read the first line of your excercise out loud to yourself. Notice that the number of syllables are the same, but that it is stressed completely differently. This line is actually written in trochaic pentameter.
'Sweeties are ridiculously awful.'
SWEE-ties ARE ri-DI-cu-LOUS-ly AW-ful.
I think the easiest way to try to understand stressed and unstressed syllables at this point is to compare these two lines. If you are curious about other explanations and methods of iambic pentameter, plenty of the other moderators have written lovely explanations in other students' comments. I'd invite you to take a look at them if you can.
Just so you are aware, there are bits of Part 2 that successfully use iambic pentameter as well. For example, take a look at your two lines for 'Outside the Window.' Perfect iambic pentameter there (of coures, that is assuming that 'fire' is meant to be read as 2 syllables. If it is only 1, then that line is missing a syllable).
Also, I wanted you to know that I really like what you've written for 'A Recent Dream.' I think it conveys the strangeness (maybe there's some paranoia and guilt as well? I don't know, and I don't care - I love the ambiguity) of certain dreams very well. It is simple, yet vivid. Well done. :)
Please let me know if you need me to clarify anything I have said.
Maria
I fear I am duplicating things here, but I shall make these points nonetheless. If I am repeating the Maria at all, then I guess there’s no harm done. ☺
ReplyDeletePart 1
Part One:
1. This is completely trochaic (i.e. DUM-dee) rather than iambic.
2. Rewrite this as follows and you are there: “they're sugary and so bad for your health”
3. I am a bit confused by this line – rhythm AND meaning
4. This is PERFECT. :)
5. Almost there, but “day” needs stressing. Try:” my course works getting harder every day”
6. “Eastenders” starts with an UNSTRESSED syllable, and so will need to begin on an ODD syllable in your line (as opposed to an even one). Try: “To miss Eastenders writing verse is dumb”
7. It is “similar” which trips you up here. Try: “this sweet tastes just like soap inside my mouth”
8. This line just went on too long. How about: “My brother Lucas starts to worry me”
9. Just a slight change will sort this line out: “oh damn! the sweets are all gone! I want some more”
10/11. These are good. :)
12. “bundles” trips you up here. Try: “I'm dreaming of the piles of pressies yay!!”
13. Very funny.
14. No. But the rhythm is good.
15. Yes. But “lazy” doesn’t fit iambically. Try ending with “remiss” instead?
16/17. Excellent!
18. “Seriously” doesn’t fit here. Try: “Are poems necessary in our lives?”
19. Unfortunately, you have not started to WRITE iambically though. Change this to: “I’m trying hard to think iambically”?
And where is 20? :(
Part 2:
Outside the Window: This is almost perfect iambically (especially if you swapped the “some” in Line 2 for “neighbours’”. But there is not really any caesura I am afraid.
What I'd Like To Eat: Too many slipped iambs. Try something like: “My stomach is still hungry. Give me food / To gobble down: some chicken with my chips.”
A Recent Dream: Too many slipped iambs here too. What about: “He stands behind the counter. ‘Don’t you know / That smoking fags will send you to your grave?’ ”
Tasks Overdue: No caesura, but at least you are almost there iambically – if you were to move the word “line” to your second line.
My Body: This is great – although I hope you are embarrassed at trying to create a plural by adding an apostrophe and an S!!!
You have SO much potential – that much is crystal clear. And your trademark wit is flowing throughout this task. But I am also convinced that you are perfectly capable of mastering the iamb, if you really set your mind to it (and follow all my comments carefully). So I have high hopes for Task 30 – and don’t expect you to let me down! :)
Hello Cake, thanks for the poem, it was most certainly a laugh-and-a-half. I would describe your work as somewhat similar to the poem angeleyez submitted. Obviously your approach is very different, and more rooted in humour, but still creates a very chaotic world of jarring, self-contained lines which are held together through stream of consciousness.
ReplyDeleteSo basically there's nothing I would really ask you to change concerning your subject matter or style; it's not merely funny, it has a very confident, assured, and fairly unique sheen of inspired lunacy about it.
But your technical proficiency definitely requires some work.
I don't want to repeat what has already been said as every line has been analysed very comprehensively already, but with misplaced stresses, surplus syllables (I've been to rehab for my alliteration addiction but I just can't kick the habit), and a lack of caesuras you are curtailing yourself somewhat in terms of reaching your full potential. As has already been said, you most certainly have potential, but I very much believe that the individualism of true unique talent can never be fully realised until one first understands the building blocks of writing; all the great writers initially started out writing very ordinary, somewhat derivative work as a sort of practice dummy run.
I should point out of course that this is only my humble opinion; I'm not a tutor, just a poet like yourself, so I apologise if I sound like I'm preaching, but I just feel that you have such an obviously unique talent, that a little more discipline with technique (which I'm sure you could master easily) would improve your work immeasurably.
In any case, good luck with the next assignment,
Eoghan 'jaffacakes aren't even really biscuits' Lavery
Hey, Jaffacake! Just to say I like the way you’ve made the lines into a whole poem, it’s an interesting way of tackling this task…
ReplyDeletePart1: In the first line the word ridiculously seems a bit forced, it also isn’t pentameter, although is still iambic. I like “I’ve only got 9 lines”, it’s a funny and original way of moving the task on. Unfortunately you don’t seem to have got the hang of pentameter until the end of the section, although the “blank” isn’t really anything. It sounds a little rushed and not thought out, although is an interesting way of creating the lines. “I’m looking after Lucas” is right, but the others seem to have too many syllables in the first section…
Part 2: I love the outside my window couplet, the first line is perfect, you fit in enjambment and caesura, and although the second line doesn’t quite fit, but altering how you say it kinda works… however the others don’t fit with the iambic pentameter, although good use of enjambment in all of them!
Kat