Saturday, 11 October 2008

Task 29

Part 1...

  1. I sit on the cushion below my bum.
  2. Photo on the window above: superb.
  3. Computer at the shop looked good to me.
  4. The world is but a big rotating ball.
  5. At school I get so stressed sometimes for fun.
  6. English is all about writing for free.
  7. I go by the name Fizzy: simply said.
  8. Perhaps us two should go to see the moon.
  9. I, Fizzy, love to play cricket a lot.
  10. My body loves to grow taller all day.
  11. My eyes need rest because they hurt at night.
  12. The tissue flew across the sky happy.
  13. My heart felt hurt; it lay broken inside.
  14. The fire grew big, the person died; alive.
  15. The scar really had never felt this bad.
  16. Library book was sent forward as well.
  17. Rulers are good and accurate at times.
  18. My back has pains and aches because it's bent.
  19. The clouds look brilliantly white.
  20. The man had worn a suit; secretly wise.

____________________________________________________

Part 2

  • Outside The Window

The train goes by on noisy tracks. It is

a train of few spiders walking swiftly.

  • What I'd like to eat

I feel very peckish indeed tonight;

for birds require a peck or two a night.

  • A recent dream

The stars had shone so bright and glowed so close

because i was an astronaut in space.

  • Annoying tasks overdue

Forgetfulness reminds me that I have

to do my chores before i go to bed.

  • My body

My teeth restrained by metal rods; begin

to irritate me by seeming ugly.

- Fizzy -

at

4 comments:

  1. aeonie12 October 2008 at 11:16

    Hello there fizzy!

    Congratulations on completing the first task of the year! You've written an interesting and varied lot of iambs and couplets for me and I've enjoyed reading through them; here are my comments!

    Part One: I think I'll go through these line by line to make it easier if there's something i need to say about it!
    1. not entirely correct, as 'on' is usually stressed as well.
    2. this line starts with a heavy stress and so it isn't iambic, the rest of it is good though, and good use of caesura!
    4. Perfect, also very thoughtful :)
    5. 'get' and 'so' are both heavy stresses
    6. 'bout' 'writing' two heavy stresses next to each other
    8. lovely, very original!
    9. first word 'i' is stressed, not iambic pentameter i'm afraid!
    10. a stress is actually on 'all'
    12. sentence structure isn't quite right, but I think the iambic pentameter works, you could always repair the split infinitive and see if it works better that way, it just sounds a bit clumsy to put 'happy' at the end.
    14. good use again of caesura!
    15&16 both have two heavy stresses next to each other

    the rest of them are perfect, and you even worked around a polysyllabic word 'brilliantly' in 19 successfully as well. You had some interesting and thoughtful lines; 8,13,20.19,14 were particularly original :)

    PART TWO:
    1. the use of enlabment here gives the last line more impact, very good, and interesting use of the word 'train'!
    2. A little bit garbled, are you the bird? however it is grammatically correct!
    3. Enjambement effectively seperates the two ideas, also very original. good use of a polysyllabic word, successfully tackled!
    4. stresses not so sound in 'forgetfulness', but i understand that with longer words iambs can be a bit more tricky to work out! Good last line though
    5. Very good, interesting, original and relevant!

    so there we are, if you want to query anything i've commented on feel free! Well done for this week's work!

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  2. Gina16 October 2008 at 15:43

    Part One

    I was very impressed with your attempt at the first task! You have really embraced the instructions and given everything a go. I love your use of caesura, it really adds emphasis to the statements that you make. However, when using this poetical device, make sure it is not at the expense of the meter you are using. For example, in line 9, the comma after I forces the stress to be put upon the first syllable of the line, sacrificing your iambic footing.

    I would simply advise you to double check the stresses of your words as they sometimes fall a little awkwardly. For example, the word English requires a stress on the first syllable, as does photo. However, I feel that you often rectify the iambic meter by the end of the line, which shows you have a good understanding of the task. With a little work, I think you can master iambic pentameter completely.

    I particularly enjoyed lines 6, 14 and 8, very romantic! However, don’t always feel that you have to use grand themes or subject matter to create a deep effect upon the reader. Sometimes the most thought provoking words are about nothing at all.

    Part Two

    I was even more impressed with this task! It can sometimes be more difficult to stick to a certain meter if you are free to experiment with line length, but you have coped very well. I love the ideas that you have included in your work, especially the juxtaposition of “forgetfulness reminds me”. I would say to be careful with your first couplet (outside the window), as it is unclear to what metaphor you are alluding.

    I am really looking forward to reading more of your work. You have a really interesting perspective and a great understanding of poetic device. Gina

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  3. Helen17 October 2008 at 04:41

    Hi Fizzy,

    Thanks for sharing your work with us. I can tell that you've put a lot of work into this task, and it's beautifully presented. Well done!

    There are a few little hiccups here. I think that the stresses in your first line go a bit astray, for example - the stress would usually fall on the first syllable of 'cushion,' I think.

    Sometimes, though, you get it spot on, as in line number 4, and even when the iambic pentametre doesn't feel quite right, you still demonstrate real flair as a writer. You use half-rhymes and repeated sounds almost instinctively in your second line - 'Photo on the window' - and I love the imagery in your 'Outside the Window' couplet.

    Well done!

    Helen

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  4. Kat18 October 2008 at 10:15

    Hey Fizzy. Just to say well done for grasping this form, I know I find it difficult… so yay!

    Part 1: You grasped the iambic pentameter really well, although the word “I” tends to be stressed, as in numbers 7 and 9. Although if you alter the way you say it slightly, it fits perfectly into the form. 19 doesn’t appear to have the right amount of syllables, maybe not pentameter, but the iamb is perfect. I really liked the description of a broken heart in number 13, Interesting, although sometimes slightly random topics, I liked number 4, the form was brilliant, and interesting observation…

    Part 2: Again, very good iambic pentameter, I like the outside the window couplet, very good imagery. Also the dream couplet, you seem to be able to grasp the beats in longer words well. Good use of both enjambment and caesura, although don’t think “what I’d like to eat” couplet is strictly enjambment… you seem to be able to write about yourself well, which I know I find difficult, so well done. You did well at this task

    Kat

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