Part 1
- The dreams I have had have all been of you.
- The music that you played to me was great.
- Your beautiful face swims around my mind.
- Dreams of you are so unbelievable.
- The thought of you never seems to leave me.
- The taste of that meal will never leave my lips.
- The sound of the waves as they come crashing.
- The smile you gave me lightened my day
- I don't believe the energy he has.
- I completely forgot about this task.
- He stood there blocking the sun from my face.
- I dream of the day we are together.
- I love you as much as anyone can.
- That chocolate cake was so beautiful.
- I loved you for everything you gave me.
- You are only wanted for your money.
- He was as ugly as an chimpanzee.
- Those friends of mine I will love forever.
- I will always be there for all of them.
- I can't imagine life without all of them.
Part 2
Outside the window
I watch you every day. And each day
I wonder why you're there. And who you are.
What I'd like to eat
A rich chocolate cake. With sauce that melts
In your mouth. As the taste touches your lips.
A recent dream
You was standing there. As if waiting for
Me. But when I turned away you was gone.
Annoying tasks overdue.
The task sits there. As if waiting for me
To complete it. But then i forget too.
My body.
The long bones that builds my skeleton. The
Thing that helps me stand. And to help me move
Hello there!
ReplyDeletei'm going to go through your work line by line as this is easier for me to point out where things are good or not quite right, if you have any queries do let me know! so here goes...
PART ONE
1. fantastic! you tackled the 'have had have' very well so that it actually works within this sentence, very romantic.
2. good, could have chosen a more original word than 'great', it doesn't describe much!
3. wonderful, good use of personification as well
4. dreams is actually a stressed word in this sentence, the stress pattern of iambic pentameter doesn't quite fit in this sentence.
5. bit of a mix up on 'never' with the stresses but if you replaced it with 'don't' the iambic pentameter still works. i like how this is related to the other lines around it, very thoughtful.
6. again with 'never leave', could have used 'not', but i suppose never is a pretty good intensifier!
7. you might have made a bit of an error with 'of the waves', you could omit 'the' and then the line would be sound, beautiful idea.
8. very good
9. 'energy he has' might be a bit too stressed to be put together, 'gy he' sound too similar so the reader stumbles over it
10. you've used polysyllabic words really confidently and well so far but i think you stumble a bit with 'completely' as both of the final syllables are stressed, the rest of the line is fine though.
11. not completely iambic, you might want to rework this one a little bit.
12. there are a few queries on the stresses, but it's a lovely line
13. perfect
14. not iambic i'm afraid!
15. perfect, again
16. 'are only' are both heavily stressed so not entirely correct, rest of the line is good though
17. ('a' not 'an') good again, comical!
18. good
19. 'will always' are both heavily stressed i'm afraid! sentimental line though :)
20. you've done the iambic bit perfectly here, although it's not pentameter, i think you've gone a couple of syllables over!
so far.... a very good attempt at iambic pentameter, i'm impressed! i like how your ideas all connect, however i think some people might say you could have been a bit more varied or creative with your subject choices, i liked them though!
PART TWO:
1. beautiful, you've used caesura so well to identify different ideas and enjambment to focus attention on the different lines. i think this is so original :D
2. first line is perfect, but i think you might just overuse caesure here, it's a lovely attempt but it doesn't quite fit, the taste touches your lips before the sauce melts in your mouth! the chronology of the events presented is a little bit confusing. i do appreciate the chocolate cake though, i could almost taste it.
3. 'you was'?! a very major grammar error there, 'you were' is the standard way of saying it! unless you did it on purpose? the caesura here really breaks the stanzas into pieces, reflecting the nature of dreams, very nice
4. personification; love it! not a very original idea but i like the way you've written it, you've used caesura well as well to give an element of time.
5. another grammar error here, you've used a plural and so don't need an s on the verb, it's just 'build'. interesting subject, the use of caesure might be a little irrelevant in the last line as you use 'and', and therefore don't need a full stop.
good use of enjambement through out though! i've really enjoyed reading through your work, you seem to have tackled this task really really well! congratulations :) i look forward to reading what you next have to write!
Hello! This is my first task as moderator - it was a pleasure and a privilege to read your work, and I hope that in turn my comments are helpful!
ReplyDeletePart One
You’ve grasped iambic pentameter really well – good work. Iambic pentameter is frequently associated with sonnets (partly down to good old Shakespeare). This means it’s a form that really fits love poetry, so you’re the latest in a long line of poets with some of these lines! It’s a very good fit of form to content, so well done. I particularly like line 11 – the iambic pentameter/sonnet form can be seen as quite traditional, often dealing in romantic abstracts, so I like how this line creates a concrete, relatable, original image.
You’ve really mastered this form, and there’s only a few occasions when you’re one over/under on the syllable count (lines 6, 8, 14 & 20) There’s just one occasion when you need to look out for the stresses of words; to fit to your rhyme scheme ‘beautiful’ needs to be stressed as ‘beau-TI-ful’ – not the way it’s naturally pronounced. You could swap ‘beautiful’ for a phrase made up of two iambs to make this work.
Part Two
There’s some good use of enjambment here; my favourite couplet is ‘Annoying tasks overdue’. It’s in perfect pentameter, and breaking ‘As if waiting for me / To complete it’ over two lines means the reader literally HAS to wait. Your poetic technique enacts and emphasises the content of your verse – and that is EXACTLY what the purpose of these formal techniques is.
I’m glad to see you experimenting with caesura too, although this is a little less successful. For example, ‘A rich chocolate cake, with sauce that melts / in your mouth as the taste touches your lips’ flows very nicely as a single sentence – there’s no need to break it into three. However, it is a description worthy of an M&S advert, so well done! There’s a couple of other occasions where you’ve used caesura where it doesn’t naturally seem to fit – it makes the verse jagged, which is it odds with the lovely roll and flow of iambic pentameter. As for the roll and flow, remember to check back over your lines to make sure that there’s the right number of syllables, and the right kinds of stresses. You’ve shown such a good grasp of iambic pentameter in Part One that you’ll have mastered caesura (you’re already on the way with enjambment!) in no time – maybe you could even try out writing a sonnet of your own?
Hey, giggly angel
ReplyDeleteWell done with this. I can see that you've already got some ace comments to help you out with any technical aspects of your poetry, so I'll keep this brief, and stick to some of the creative aspects of your writing.
You seem to have stuck to personal, but universal, themes for the first section, which works well - there's nothing more authentic than what you know first-hand. I really like the largely posative tone of your work. It's cool to see lines of poetry that aren't bleak or menacing (though those can be cool too). Even:
# He was as ugly as an chimpanzee.
Has a funny charm to it.
If you were thinking of extending any of the poems for the second section I'd love to see some of the intrigue you've including being built upon. So in the first poem, maybe some description of this strange figure, or in the recent dream some wandering of thoughts before the narrator turns back.
I like your description of 'long bones' - it makes me feel strangely proud of my skeleton.
Well done. I look forward to seeing your next piece,
Andt
Hi giggly angel,
ReplyDeleteI think the themes you've explored here compliment the task really well. I like how in line one you move from dream to music and then to beauty. Some of the lines here work for the most part, others fall a little short of the rules. The most important thing is that you are picking up the necessary rhythms of the meter...
I like how your work is preoccupied with the imagination. It is also funny and quirky at times: 'He was as ugly as an chimpanzee...' which has an endearing quality to it, too.
In the second part you use enjambment well and caesura, though I was a little unsure about the effect of it in the very last sentence as it felt a little jarring: 'And to help me move.'
To improve you might want to look again at some of your sentences, particularly in the second part, and make sure they are running as smoothly as possible.
Overall this is really promising work that I enjoyed reading very much!
Well done.
Liz