My shed is far to full to keep my bike.
A small smile can be known as charity.
I really should not be rude in class.
but sir and miss always send me out
A beutifuly desighned big pink ball dress.
If Maryam and suhaib were good friends.
i reckon it would be a good miricale
The boy you want is always at his mums.
My life without a mum would be so sad.
Why would i go to the park with you two.
Please do not come to beach with uslot.
You cant join our band sorry were rock squared.
when i went to the beach twenty years
ago.i asked my mum to stay in the water
When i asked for new friends you hated me.
I i could be your best friend but you did not,
want me to stay at your house today
The boy is crying-i know how he feels
I have a good house but my friend does not.
1)Outside the window
the cloud cries its force is fast
like lightning.i smile
2)what id like to eat
no macaronie in jamaica
but instead they have
sweet potato.its lovely
3)A recent dream
it was so scary the fear
grabbed my heart and
squeezed.
4)Annoying tasks over due
the homework was so hard
i did'nt do it but guess the
concequence.
5)My body
my nose is blocked.the
mucas is just there
i really hate it.
By Maryam Abdulghaffar
Hello Frizzy!
ReplyDeletecongratulations on completeing this task! Here's what i have to say about your work, if you have any queries don't hesitate to comment back :)
PART ONE
1. misspelt 'to', and it is a heavy stress so unfortunatly not completely iambic!
2. two heavy stresses on 'small smile', ending is perfect though, and a lovely original idea
3. corret first line, but didn't need a full stop at the end as it's enjambement, good use of it though!
4. misspelt 'beautifully' and 'designed', but iambically correct until 'big pink ball dress', these are all heavy dresses
5. misspelt 'miracle' but good idea for a couplet, 'it would' are two heavy stresses i'm afraid.
6. perfect :) and a good example of how you find iambs naturally in the english language
7. perfect as well, although i might have to query the 'so sad' next to one another, seems to work though!
8. stresses aren't iambically correct 'i go to the park' is a bit jumbled
9. 'do not' are both heavy stresses, exceptfor this it would work if you took the 'lot' from the end of the sentence
10. you have a few grammar issues here, 'can't and 'we're', and the stresses aren't iambic i'm afraid
11. This is perfect, and a wonderful use of enjambement!
12. 'i asked' are two heavy stresses, as is 'new friends'
13. 'best friend' are usually heavily stressed, but the last line is iambic so well done! you don't need a comma to make it enjambement by the way!
12. 'know how' are stressed, so not iambic i'm afraid
13. perfect!
okay, so you seem to be struggling a little bit with iambic pentametre, you might want to practise this a bit more, i know i had trouble with it when i first started using it or trying to write with it, but there are sentences where you've done it perfectly! we speak in iambic pentameter naturally so just say the lines out loud and see if they work, obviously if you want to make some words stand out you can put a lot of stresses together (Shakespeare does this in one of his iambic pentametre sonnets 'love's not time's fool'), but i'm afraid this wasn't what the task was! you did have a good go though, but i'd like to say you could have been a bit more creative with them!
PART TWO
ok immediatly i can see that you weren't writing in couplets as i think the task was, correct me if i'm wrong! but i'll still moderate it in terms of enjambement and caesure :)
1. i like this! nice use of personification and the caesure in the last stanza is cunning, it makes the reader think 'why are you smiling?'
2. this is a little bit confusing as i think you've just put some of the lines below the others, so the use of enjambement might not have been particularly effective, but once again well done on the use of caesura!
3. this is another good one, it seperates the ideas and i like the fact that 'squeezed' as a line of it's own, making it stand out, so this is a very good example of enjambment!
4. i'm afraid this isn't particularly original, and the enjambement doesn't work particularly well, you should have kept consequence on the previous stanze
5. another good use of caesura in the first line! a quick stop which reflects the blocked nature of your nose! and then the enjambement makes the rest of the line flow like the mucus you're writing about, fantastic! :) well done!
Hello! This is my first Task as a moderator. It was a pleasure and a privilege to read your work - and I hope that in return my comments are helpful ones!
ReplyDeletePart One
There is some really good use of iambic pentameter here, and you use it to express ideas in a forthright, memorable way. My favourite line is ‘the boy you want is always at his Mum’s’; perfectly balanced in terms of rhythm, and the simple lexis makes the bittersweet tone more emphatic. For several lines you’ve pulled off the same mix of direct language/complex emotion with equal aplomb (line 18 is particularly nicely balanced) I also really like the image of being ‘rock squared’ – trying to convey how rock you are by using a maths metaphor (a typically “un-rock” subject) is a very deft touch. You also make good use of the word ‘beautifully’, utilising it’s multiple pronunciations (BEAU-ti-FLY as opposed to BEAU-ti-FUL-ly) to fit into iambic pentameter.
The form of iambic pentameter means there must be ten syllables per line (PENTameter = five iambs). A few times you’ve fallen short or exceeded this syllable count (I’ve picked out lines 3, 4, 7, 11, 13, 14 & 17) It’s worth checking back over your work to make sure it does meet the demands of the form, particularly as there’s some interesting, original ideas in these lines. My favourite is ‘when I went to the beach twenty years / ago I asked my mum to stay in the water’. It’s a really strong, atmospheric image; and because this couplet IS all image (you show, don’t tell), you leave the reader asking ‘why?’ I’d really like to see this one reworked to fit the iambic pentameter scheme; if you did that, I think it would be even more memorable and affecting then it already is.
Part Two
Although these couplets don’t meet the ten syllable demand of iambic pentameter, you’ve got some really strong images. I particularly like ‘Outside the window’; another enigmatic image that makes the reader ask why – in this case, why is the narrator smiling at storm clouds? Not your usual, common or garden pathetic fallacy! You also make some good use of enjambment in these couplets. ‘A recent dream’ is particularly effect – the line break of ‘and / squeezed’ creates suspense, urging the reader to read on. There are some strong images and ideas, and an effective use of poetic techniques. Maybe these lines could be reworked into couplets of iambic pentameter, to make them even more strong and memorable?
Hi Frizzy,
ReplyDeleteWow, looks like you've received some extensive and detailed feedback already! Great!
I don't think you've quite got the hang of this particular poetic form yet. You slip up in a couple of places - your third line, for example, seems to be a syllable short, and it's the same with line number 11 - and there are a fair few spelling mistakes and so on.
However, I can see plenty of potential. I love 'The boy you want is always at his mums.' It works really well, in my opinion, and strikes me as endearing and funny! It is really worth putting in the extra time and effort to master iambic pentametre. I think you could come up with somethng really top class!
Helen
Hi Frizzy,
ReplyDeleteYou've got some great, meaningful themes running through this piece of work. I like the world you've conjured for us - a world of friends, and non-friends, and mums, and boys, and homework, and bands. These are all things that anyone can connect to, no matter what their age, and I think the ideas you've got here are certainly worth exploring for future poems. I'm especially interested in the way you show how people compare themselves to others, as in your line 'I have a good house but my friend does not.' This is something we're all guilty of doing, and it takes a lot of courage to admit to it in writing. Well done.
Also, I'm really interested in hearing more about Jamaica. Have you visited? Being in new and different places can often feed really well into your writing, so I'd urge you to go back to your experiences there for some inspiration.
Keep it up!
Maria