Part 1
I listen to the radio, the songs
they tell me that they love, they hate, the lie
i smell a certain odor, one thats fowl
Twas told that speeches, like a womans skirt
be long enough cover chosen theme
but short enough to be of interest
an android void of thought but feels at most
a paranoia great, but very closed
an innuendo blossoms or it bombs
a special flower, ruined by a man
a bishop, weak, abused by violent hand
a sea of beige, a coarse forbidden land
a plunge, a dive, an expedition south
with hats and caps, excited open mouth
mary poppins is my favourite film
a man he smokes, committed lungs to dooom
a formula it means the end of man
a doctor changes, now inverterbrate
he's japanese he moves through time and space
in the desert he paints his demise.
Wow, Naboo, these are really great.
ReplyDeleteYou've obviously mastered the iambic pentamter!
Couple of things I'd like to say, though.
Firstly, not sure if this is a typo, but watch your syllable count. In this line you only had 9 beats, but with the insertion of 'to' the line makes more sense and completes the rhythm:
be long enough [TO] cover chosen theme
And the last line is missing a beat too:
in THE des-ERT he PAINTS his DE-mise ---
Furthermore, if you want to be really perfect, try to pay extra close attention to the natural stresses on words. Demise is more naturally pronounced 'de-MISE'. Likewise, 'Mary' flows more naturally is 'MAR-y' rather than 'mar-Y'.
Those are just a few niggles I picked up on. For the most part, you've nailed it.
You have some brilliant images here. I especially loved the comparison between the length of speeches and the length of skirts. Very original. All of your lines are so rich in wonderfully written imagery. The way your ideas have developed organically from start to finish is very interesting. Hold on to that ability to flow freely from one idea to another - it is a very valuable skill to have when it comes to creative writing.
Great stuff, Naboo.
Arrgghh! I just wrote out all your comments, and then tried to post them, but something went wrong and they vanished. Gah! Allow me to write a short summary.
ReplyDelete1) Yay, it's Naboo! Welcome back!
2) Boo, this would have been so much better if you'd given it more time and attntion. Typos, etc. 'Be long enough cover chosen theme' is a prime example of somebody battling against a formal constraint rather than working with it. As it stands, it is a deformed sentence, and is a syallable too short. As it should be - 'Be long enough to cover a chosen theme' - it's a syllable too long. Rework it!
3) Yay, your ideas are great as usual, and your intellect and charm carry you through. But you could do even better!
I thank you.
Helen
Naboo,
ReplyDeleteFabulous...
You've mastered iambic pentameter, now put this confidence to good use in the next task by foregrounding your ideas and images and appearing as though you're not constrained by form, for example don't just drop syllables to make it fit... difficult to do but not impossible...
Can't wait to read your next post.
Dani
Hello Naboo; as final writer (52 minutes and counting until the deadline) it falls to me to repeat everything that has already been said, but in my own words.
ReplyDeleteIn any case it helps that I very much agree with everything that has already been said. I feel that you have staggering talent with imagery, and with creating a tapestry of visual poetry. You make it look easy when any poet who has tried it knows that it isn't.
Regarding the technical side, your use of caesuras and enjambement contribute to a fairly unique style which is disjointed and jarring, while at the same time mesmerising.
Really the only work you need to do is just polish up the areas where your iambic pentameter is wanting, and then you're there.
Furthermore, I'm confident you can master this very easily. For example, the final line could be, "in the desert he paints his own demise". This may not convey your meaning as well, but its an idea at least,
good luck on the next assignment,
Eoghan '36 minutes and counting until the deadline' Lavery