Part 1:
1. Computer socialising distracts me
2. Annoying people get on both our nerves
3. I'm sleepy writing this; truly I am
4. I wonder how badly I am doing
5. Essentially, I have decided to
6. work whole-heartedly and finish this task
7. Coursework is seriously so stressful
8. Baby powder smells really really nice
9. Why does english have to be so complex
10. I want the telephone to ring right now
11. Technology is not only for nerds
12. After completing this I'll learn to breathe
13. Eastenders is truly getting boring
14. I'm sorry this is late Mr Savage :(
15. Chicken and chips have lost their taste and life
16. I don't know what else to mention right now
17. Iambic is just so DEE-DUM DEE-DUM
18. DEE-DUM DEE-DUM the sound of a heartbeat
19. Regret is such a sinful emotion
20. I fell asleep whilst just doing this task
Part 2:
Outside the Window.
People and cars continue to pass by
Me as I dream to be out there - and breathe
What I'd Like To Eat.
Chicken and chips are so cliche, they taste
Nothing of what they make it out to be
A Recent Dream.
I wish I could share with you my dreams yet
I just have no dreams in which to dicuss
Tasks Overdue.
Regret is an emotion of which I
Feel, for missing the deadline; truly sorry
My Body.
My body is tired and weak and so
dead in which I will have to say: GOOD NIGHT.
Hello! This is my first ever comment as a moderator - so I hope it's a helpful one! It was a realy pleasure and a privilege to read your work.
ReplyDeletePart One
Hopefully the skill you’ve shown in completing this task will mollify Mr. Savage! Seriously, this is very good work – almost every line perfectly meets the requirements of iambic pentameter. You’re right, iambic pentameter is pretty ‘DEE-DUM DEE-DUM’ – but it does have its uses! It’s got such forward momentum, it’s so familiar and seemingly speech-like, that it makes for a very easy, enjoyable read. I certainly enjoyed reading these lines. To pick out one example from many, I thought line 15 was perfectly balanced, with a tripping rhythm which stressed all the right words (CHIPS, LOST, TASTE, LIFE – all far more important words to your central meaning then and, have, their, and). I also like how you’ve picked up on some of the other, more exciting, uses of iambic pentameter – ‘the sound of a heartbeat’ observation is a particularly acute one. Maybe you could store this image as the starting point for another work? Not all the lines have quite this level of easy flow, but with a few twists of stress and pronunciation they could all be classed as iambic pentameter. So, very well done in mastering this form!
Part Two
Again, you’ve shown a thorough, working knowledge of the poetic techniques this task demands. In the first three couplets you use enjambment with ease; it seems entirely natural, the line break not disrupting the iambic rhythm. Well done! In only the last two couplets are there any errors – the line beginning ‘Feel, for…’ is eleven syllables, and the line beginning ‘My body…’ is only nine. Also, the words ‘GOOD NIGHT’ both demand to be STRESSED – which means the iambic form goes. Overall, though, you’re a natural. As you’ve got such a grasp on the form, you could challenge it’s DEE-DUM DEE-DUM-ness and really USE the characteristics of iambic pentameter to come up with something special.
Hey! Just like to start by saying great work... having found it hard to work in iamb myself I have to say this is amazing...
ReplyDeleteTask 1:
You’ve done amazingly well on this task and appear to have grasped the iambic pentameter form with ease. The majority of these work exceedingly well, and are a pleasure to read. If I can agree with Sarah, by slightly changing the way we say things, and the stresses we put on words, all these work. However it would have worked equally well if you used words where the stresses were already on the necessary parts of words. The lines have interesting topics, and I enjoyed reading them as poetry, as well as looking at them as rhythmic pieces. I especially liked number 9, why does English have to be so complex? Although again, we have to “force” (for want of another word) ourselves to put emphasis on the second word, and not the first. (why tends to have emphasis, although the rest of the words work brilliantly).
Task 2:
This task blows my mind, not only is Mr Savage asking you to master iambic pentameter, but you also have to include enjambment and caesura! And you’ve done it, for the most part! I enjoyed the recent dream couplet, it flowed, the line break worked, and it was interesting, funny and in iambic pentameter. The only thing missing was caesura, but I don’t think it would have worked in this piece. Having said that, the “tasks overdue” couplet didn’t quite work, the first line was fine, but the second had one to many beats. And unfortunately I don’t think “my body” doesn’t work. Although nice message…
Sorry if I seem overly critical… overall your work is amazing, there’s just a few lines that could be worked on :)
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteWell done with this task. You've mananged to create some tightly-written lines, and by the end of the task, you're beginning to play a bit more with the form. It would be nice to see you play around a bit more with imagery - that is often a really good way to get the form (including metre, caesurae and enjambment, of course!) to work for you, and it will often lead you to surprising places.
My recommendation for you, as with everyone else, is to read your work really thoroughly aloud to yourself - this never fails to help me when I'm writing poetry. You can't fool your own ear - if something doesn't quite fit, it will SOUND wrong, and usually, with a bit of changing around, this can easily be fixed.
Just a couple of grammatical points, too: I feel that you've sometimes added a couple of superfluous words in order to stretch the line. This always sounds a little forced: perhaps "a recent dream" would sound more natural as something like "I wish that I could share my dreams with you, / But I have nothing that I could discuss". It's a slightly different sense from your original line, but it fits the rhythm better, I think.
This will all become a lot easier with practice, though - soon you won't even have to think about it, and you'll be writing perfect iambic verse quite naturally!
Cheers,
Penny
hello there sugadust, i see quite a few people have already commented on your work so excuse me if i repeat some things they've already said!
ReplyDeletePART ONE
1. its a good attempt at using multisyllabic words, but i might query the stress pattern of 'socialising distracts'.
2. 'get on both our' all seem fairly heavily stressed to me so unfortunatly not iambic
3. A lovely attempt at caesura here, unfortunatly i think that 'this; truly' are both stressed
4. hmm, the sounds here are a bit clumsy (amusing sentence! it's alright, everyone finds it hard, i'm finding it a bit hard to get into iambic pentameter to see whether or not you're right!)
5. perfect, and enjambement into 6 as well...
6.... falters slightly here! original though :)
7. 'course' is stressed actually, so this doesn't start off in iambic pentamter i'm afraid
8. i think this one works :)
9. i think if you took the 'so' out of this line it would work just fine
10. this one is good
11. perfect!
12. 'after' the first syllable is stressed
13. this stumbles a bit at the ending 'eastenders is', they're both equally stressed
14. 'is late' are both stressed so although this is an amusing sentence ( :) ) this isn't iambic pentameter
15. 'chicken' the first syllable is stressed so a bit like number 12 i'm afraid
16. this stumbles so i'm not sure if this is perfect iambic pentameter, you might want to look at this one again
17. this one works!
18. wonderfully inventive! i think this one works
19. good
20. too many heavy stresses at once i'm afraid
PART TWO
these are all perfect, you use enjambement really well and i love the originality of your first couplet, it's a really beautiful image. i can't see any instances whhere you've used caesura in the wrong place, it's all very effective. well done, you should be proud of yourself for these! as for iambic pentameter, i'm sure you'll get the hang of it with practise, no one finds it that easy! i think you gave a really good attempt though :)
thank you all for commenting! it is greatly appreicated; ill take all of this into mind when i write more pieces like this!
ReplyDeleteThanks again :)