If someone else had met me first, who knows?
Perhaps the lives we know need not have meant
So much to us. Forget the past, suppose
My heart belongs to someone else, content
It lies, now not with you, but in a hand.
a hand, so near to me yet far from you:
Alone and free. I stare and watch it stand.
No longer does it bare the scars, or glue
From our relationship. although it's clear
The cuts you left were worse than those from knives.
You made me love, you made me care. A tear
May fall, but this just compliments our lives.
So babe, if all goes well this bond will break
And you will see our love was true, yet fake.
Hello Sparky,
ReplyDeleteI really like your sonnet this week, good job. I get a strong sense of emotion when I read it which is great as this is sometimes hampered by the strict conventions of a sonnet - it shows how much you've progressed when you can combine the two.
You've got some nice imagery in here, my favourite being 'the cuts you left were worse than those from knives', and you've used enjambement and caesura successfully too. My favourite lines being lines 2, 3 and 4. However, I don't think that you should have end stopped line 8.
You seem to be comfortable with the rhyme scheme too, making it fit to you rather than the other way around.
I'm a bit confused about the title of the sonnet though, it seems to clash with the content quite a lot. Is this intentionally ironic and I'm just missing it?
You haven't given yourself a category, but I would place you in intermediate. I think that you have improved with this sonnet compared to the last task, there is more caesura and enjambement and this enhances your sonnet. Well done!
Hi Spary,
ReplyDeleteAs with last week, you've taken what could be a trite subject and really given it life. The use of the subjunctive tense (If, Perhaps, suppose etc.) brilliantly keeps the tension in the poem and the described relationship.
This tension makes the jealousy the "you" character would feel in "suppose/ my heart belongs to someone else" far more powerful than simply saying: basically, this is the reality deal with it. The vague "someone else" and the excellent use of "hand" to represent the "someone else" (a device called metonymy)would really play on the "you"'s mind.
Another highlight is the double meaning of "bare" (expose) and "bear" (endure). I also like the juxtaposition of "scars" with "glue": both hold the heart, together but in importantly different ways.
Finally, when first reading the poem I read "tear" in
"You made me love, you made me care. A tear"
as a tear, a rip because of the rhyme with the adjacent "care." The meaning is made clear after the suspenseful enjambment, but, again, the double meaning works well.
Technically, the sonnet is (I'm pretty sure) perfect. The only device you don't seem to exploit is the octet/sestina break. I'd still like to see you stretch a bit more for your images. Yes, "cuts...worse than those from knives" is fresher than "cuts like a knife", but I think you can push further.
Congrats, though, on another complex study of emotion, and using real poetic ability to express those complexities.
pax
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWell done with this - when read aloud, this SOUNDS wonderful - metrically very tight, and the rhymes are good.
I'd just point to some moments where I think you've stretched the sense a little too much - I'm a bit lost with these images. "It lies, now not with you, but in a hand.
a hand, so near to me yet far from you:
Alone and free. I stare and watch it stand."
- Where is the hand? Is it separate from the body? Why is it alone and free - or is that the speaker? I assume that the hand is a metaphor and not to be taken literally, but when the speaker "stare[s] and watch[es] it stand" it seems to be a very physical object.
Well done on this piece, though - you're progressing admirably!
Penny