Life has no meaning without you aware
You've helped me through all hardships i have had
And taken me through all of my despair
I owe to you the fact i am not sad
You are my guardian angel sent by god
To make sure i have found a place to hide
As for the rest they're just a stupid lie.
You're there for me to help me rise again
Which makes me feel indepted since
You helped me see the bright side even when
The darkness in my heart' sins would not rinse.
I thank you my dear freind for all the joy
You let me see without the need for boys.
i finally got a chance to change my password....sooo sorry for the latness
Hi Capricorn93, welcome to Word Voodoo :o)
ReplyDeleteYou've opted for a 'beginner' sonnet, and I think that this is right for what you should be aiming for at the moment, but I'm not sure that you quite understand what the basic rules of a sonnet are;
1) A sonnet must have 14 lines. You only have 13 I'm afraid! This is easy to rectify though, just make sure you check for next time.
2) A sonnet is written in iambic pentametre, which means each line has 10 syllables which read in an unstressed/stressed pattern. Twelve of your lines have ten syllables, but line 9 only has eight. With iambic pentametre, it can be easy to force words into the unstressed/stressed rhythm rather than selecting words that flow naturally. You've got it bang on with some of them e.g. and TAken ME through ALL of MY desPAIR but other lines don't flow as well e.g. on the first line, I want to put a stress on 'Life' and this throws me off the rest of the line.
The only way to really test if you've got the imabic pentametre is to read it aloud, if you do it in your head it's just not the same.
3) A sonnet has an ABABCDCD EFEFGG rhyme scheme. You've almost got this down, your rhyme scheme currently reads ABABCDEFGHGHII. Line 5 and 7 should rhyme, as should 6 and 8, and you're missing line 12. But with a bit of tweaking, the perfect rhyme scheme can be written!
I think that your sonnet needs more punctuation too, as this would increase readability. The first seven lines of your sonnet, over half of it, is one long sentence with no commas or colons to break it up - a reader only has so much breath! But also, if you choose to enjambementate your lines, they have to make sense. Unfortunately, not all of yours do, and they should have a full stop at the end of the line e.g. 'And taken me through all of my despair/I owe to you the fact i am not sad/You are my guardian angel sent by god'
A comma here and there can work wonders, not only at the end of lines but inside them as well; wherever they are needed!
You've used enjambement successfully in places, e.g. 'You are my guardian angel sent by god/To make sure i have found a place to hide' and this is great as it flows on naturally.
I like the imagery of your friend helping you to 'rise again'. You could expand on this by using the imagery of a phoenix rising from the ashes, for example, and make a really visual sonnet.
I really look forward to seeing your work next time :o)
Hi capricorn,
ReplyDeleteFrances has given you some really good advice on the technicalities of the sonnet, so I'll comment on some other areas of your poem.
I'd like you to work a little more on "showing" rather than "telling." Have you heard this before? Although you do show us some things, and a little telling never hurt anyone, do be careful and make sure you don't tell your reader too much. What I mean by this is that readers of poetry like to draw conclusions on their own rather than have the poet tell them what to feel.
For example, take the line "I owe to you the fact i am not sad". This is telling your readers something without really explaining why it is. So a way of fixing this would be to SHOW your readers HOW this person helps the speaker to not be sad. Show us, in a line or two, this person helping the speaker, doing a specific action, that the reader can then draw their own conclusions from.
Please let me know if you have any questions about my comment.
I enjoyed this poem, keep it up!
Maria
Capricorn93,
ReplyDeleteIt’s really great to see your first poem. I’m so pleased and excited that this will be the first of many great poems over the next year.
You’ve got some really great, solid lines. I love, “To make sure I have found a place to hide”, “You’re there for me to help me rise again” and “The darkness in my heart’s sins would not rinse”. I also love the word use of “indebted”, partly because it’s honest, and partly because it’s a common feeling I think everyone can feel slightly related to.
My initial suggestions for correction will be generic; watch out for speilling, always, always capitalize “I” (unless for poetic effect, but since it is inconsistent in the poem, I’m assuming it’s just a simple typo).
Also, you’re a line short, you’re meant to have 14 lines in a sonnet, and you end at 13. No worries, you’ll be able to fix this next week. You also haven’t fully stuck to the sonnet rhyming scheme: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. I’ve suggested for ALL new poets to separate the stanzas so it’s easier to visualize the rhyming scheme while writing. So, briefly, it’ll look like this:
Life has no meaning without you aware (A)
You've helped me through all hardships i have had (B)
And taken me through all of my despair (A)
I owe to you the fact i am not sad (B)
You are my guardian angel sent by god (C)
To make sure i have found a place to hide (D)
As for the rest they're just a stupid lie. (C)
You're there for me to help me rise again (D)
Which makes me feel indepted since (E)
You helped me see the bright side even when (F)
The darkness in my heart' sins would not rinse. (E)
I thank you my dear freind for all the joy (F)
You let me see without the need for boys. (G)
(with the added 14th line) (G)
That way, you can always see which lines should rhyme. I've tried to show with the letters what lines need to rhyme, to help with the upcoming task. You’ve nailed the first stanza, the scheme is great, but then it starts to become confusing. So try the suggestion, it may help.
But really Capricorn93, great first attempt. The sonnet is a very difficult poem to master, but you’re on your way.
Again, welcome to Wordvoodoo, and if you have any questions, please let me know!
Genevieve
Hey! I agree with what the other moderators have said but to add to that I think you have done FANTASTIC. This was your first task and since you haven't done the previous tasks when we practised and practised iambic pentameter over and over again and practised sonnets a couple of time before, for you to come up with such a wonderful poem like that is amazing; you should be really proud of yourself.
ReplyDelete