Red lips, white skin, brown hair, body twisted,
Stunning vision, staring out at me,
Desire provoked, revealed and listed,
You tempt me with all I wish to be.
Entertain my eyes, inspire quite,
Your faces are picture perfect, unique,
Swiss seconds of silver fuelled by light,
A dark romance, unattainably chic.
Buckle me, belt me, lace me, make me up,
White mother of pearl, let me find,
My worth in you, never wake me up,
Sanctuous dream, don't leave me behind.
What are the causes of my jelousy?
Glamorous advertising industry.
Hi there, jaffacake. I know I'm not your moderator, but scrolling through the blog I saw your poem hadn't got any comments. Looks like your mods may be a bit caught up at the moment, so I will offer you a few of my opinions.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great attempt. Very interesting subject matter, and how sadly true!
You've got the right number of lines, and the perfect rhyming scheme for a sonnet, so that's a great start.
You haven't quite managed to make every line have 10 syllables, though. I think you would benefit greatly if you got this part nailed. Once you've written your poem, try going through each line and count the syllables on your fingers (this is what I do!).
For example:
Stunning vision, staring out at me
stun/ning/ vis/ion/ star/ing/ out/ at/ me
This only has nine syllables. It would work if we said 'vis-i-on', but no one really talks like that.
You need to master the 10-syllable-per-line thing before you can go on to master iambic pentameter.
Don't forget that just because this is poem, it doesn't mean the sentences can't make sense. Watch your punctuation and syntax. You don't need to end each line with a comma, unless you need it there. You have quite a lot of fragments stringed together with commas, which confuses things and detracts from the clarity and meaning of what you are trying to say.
'Swiss seconds of silver fuelled by light' is a great line, and a great image. However, what does it mean?
For me, the most effective and clear lines of the poem are the last two. They have great punch! And you've mastered using 10 syllables per line here, and with great skill in the polysyllabic words of the last line.
Great potential here.