You promised. Incoherent stories plagued
With empty fantasies devoured my mind-
The silent murder of my soul. Cliched
Became the phrases said too much, you'll find
You raped them of their warmth. Reality
Became Necropolis, one only you
Could run from. I believed your fantasy,
Because I lost myself in, love. You knew
Enchantments that could sober me, and shake
Away the demons. Daring me to dive
In blind helped find the missing answers. Break
The hold on my reality, and drive
My emptiness away. The doubts? Well, you
Became the one to make them all untrue.
Dear everyone :)
ReplyDeleteI was aiming for Advanced, but I personally think that I ended up at a High-Intermediate. ^^
E.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteCool work here. Your imagery is fantasic, in more ways than one. I really like the rich mix of enchantments and demons in this.
Your language is powerful, such as in 'you raped them of their warmth,' and the way that you keep thought/images running with enjambement and caesura is really good. I'll leave it to more experienced poets to confirm this, but I couldn't fault your rythm. You should be proud.
I'm not sure about some of the grammar choices, such as the comma before 'love.' And the syntax of 'cliched became' is a clever way of fitting the rythm, but isn't as satisfying as the rest of your sentences.
Your closing sentence shows that your very confident in playing with what the strict metre can include. I think that you've achieved the level you aimed for. Really well done, it's a pleasure to read your work,
Andy
Andy
‘You promised.’ Short, dramatic, an effective opening, it is a statement we all make, it sounds real, the next line though slips a bit in its confused syntax- ‘incoherent stories plagued with empty fantasies’ – make the notion simpler, what stories, what fantasies?
ReplyDeleteThe use of abstractions is difficult, they can often sound a bit pretentious- ‘my soul’- something more concrete would perhaps work better.
‘Cliched/ Became the phrases said too much’- effective use of enjambment, and the iambic pentameter is done to perfection…but the added ‘you’ll find’ feels like the rhyme scheme dictating, anomalous, as though the speaker is handing control over to the subject of the sonnet (the ‘You’) and they won’t ‘find’ because they won’t be looking for their failures.
I’m a bit confused as to how ‘Reality became a Necropolis’ (i.e. a city of the dead, or a graveyard) can you explain it?
There are a lot of images going on at once so it tends to get a bit tangled, perhaps focus on one to be developed. I love the image of diving in blind, ‘demons. Daring me to dive’- good use of alliteration, a technique also effective in the line ‘I lost myself in love’.
‘Break’ occurring at a structural break works really well.
I can see how you attempt a division in subject matter, and in tone between the octave and the sestet, the former damning and negative, and the latter seeing more positive effects, fulfilling- ‘help find’, challenging- ‘daring me to dive’, nourishing- ‘drive my emptiness away’, I like the question of the final couplet, though the answer of the final line doesn’t seem powerful enough, ‘Became the one to make them all untrue’ the italicised words seem sort of uncertain, the subject is the one who exploded these doubts, show that in your final line.
If you’ve got any questions about my jumbled essay-like advice just let me know
I look forward to your next post!
Dani
I am a little stuck as to what to write here. Technically, I think this is perfect. Iambic pentameter, rhyme (hard and soft, and even some internal rhyme), alliteration, enjambement and caesura galore. Wow! If you’d managed a volta between your octave and your sestet, you would have mastered the form with complete perfection. Very well done indeed!
ReplyDeleteAs for the content, it is always hard when I get to the end of a poem and I don’t really understand it all, because I remain aware that this could be because I have missed the point and need to try harder, or it could be because the meaning is too oblique. Therefore, if I would give any advice, it would be to experiment with that fine line between depth and obliqueness: for example, if anything, my favourite part of all is the two word sentence which precedes your first caesura.
I know you are a perfectionist, but I think you are heading well towards perfection in your tasks now, and you should be immensely proud of yourself. Seriously. Just experiment with simplicity too, because, ironically, sometimes it can be equally profound…
Oh and, like Andy said, that comma before love just doesn't work - but I know the evil comma does sometimes plague your writing. Time to get it to behave and do what you tell it to, I reckon! :)
ReplyDelete