My heart removed. I'm incomplete without
your love. Behind this face a tearful soul.
Is this emotion new to me? A dout
I have, for fear of failure but my goal
is to express my true emotions for
you. As I wonder deep inside of me,
I know you feel the same, today i saw.
Your smile, your laugh all in my fantasy,
this feeling feels so magical, a star
you are, my shooting star. I wish upon
you. Wishing for always you and not a car.
My heart would break to see you gone.
So now i know I have to speak the truth,
I will reveal my love and speak the truth!
Hi Sabz. Which category are you aiming for here? I would suggest 'beginner' for now.
ReplyDeleteYou've managed to get most of the structure of a sonnet right. You've got 14 lines. You obviously understand the rhyme scheme, but I would argue that you can't rhyme the same words together! ('Truth' with 'truth'.) Unfortuntely, it comes across that sometimes you have a little trouble fitting the rhymes in: 'car' seems completely out of place, and the phrase 'wishing for you always and not a car' seems pretty comical, and I don't think it's meant to be.
You've almost got the iambic pentameter, but not quite. Nearly all of the lines have ten syllables, but a few don't:
you. Wishing for always you and not a car. = 11
My heart would break to see you gone. = 8
The iambic stresses are done quite well, but in quite a few places they seem a little unnatural. Try reading them out loud with forced iambic stresses, then read it aloud carefully to yourself to detect where the natural stresses lie.
Some of what you've written doesn't actually make sense. For example:
A dout I have, for fear of failure but my goal
is to express my true emotions for you.
This bit could do with clarifying. Use punctuation to it's full effect:
I know you feel the same, today i saw.
Your smile, your laugh all in my fantasy,
this feeling feels so magical, a star
you are, my shooting star.
You could write:
I know you feel the same. Today i saw
your smile, your laugh: all in my fantasy.
This feeling feels so magical; a star
you are, my shooting star.
Just because it is poetry, it doesn't mean it doesn't have to make sense. Puctuation is your friend because it helps so much in meaning when you are restricted by form.
This is my favourite bit:
a star
you are, my shooting star. I wish upon
you.
That's beautiful, and builds well.
Keep at you - you are getting there!
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this. I like the contrast between the fantasy and the real which you display through the images of the shooting star and the car. I also enjoyed the questioning towards the beginning and the exclamation at the end. There’s a lot of energy to your writing which creates an engaging read.
One thing I would say about writing poetry would be to avoid too much sentimentalising: '...today I saw your smile.' Doesn't say a huge amount about the object of the narrator's preoccupation. What is distinctive about them?
I was also thinking....
Could the car be an image for love? I know at present the line reads ‘Wishing for always you and not a car,’ but it could be an interesting and original metaphor of love?
Occasionally the meter veers off course: ‘you. Wishing for you always and not a car.’
‘My heart would break to see you gone.’
The first line has too many syllables, the second not enough. It might be an idea to have a go at redrafting and making sure the meter works for every line.
You have a playful and energising style. Good luck with the next piece.
Liz
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great effort, and there's not really much I can say that Liz and Sophie hasn't already.
You've got a good grasp on what a sonnet should be, occassionally you do veer off but I think you'll get it with practice.
You've got some great imagery and lines in your sonnet, my favourites are:
'I'm incomplete without/Your love. Behind this face a tearful soul'.
'A star/You are, my shooting star. I wish upon/You.' - I really like this image of wishing upon someone, I think it's really nice.
You've got nice energy to your piece, so keep it up, and bear in mind what Liz and Sophie have said about rhyme and meter and punctuation. With a bit of practice, your sonnets are going to be great!
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the first sentence. Love, love, LOVE it! "My heart removed." It's so short, and powerful, and yanks your readers straight into the poem so that they have no choice but to read the rest. Well done. :)
Also, like Sophie, I really like the "star" lines. To wish up on a person rather than a real star strikes me as strange and beautiful.
My one big suggestion is to try to work more sensory details into this poem and/or future poems. Concrete things like tears, cars, and stars are things that readers can see and feel, and they really boost the mood of the poem. Perhaps for your next poem, you can think about images and concrete details that complement the mood, or descriptive details that make your poetry unique.
I really enjoyed this one. Keep it up!
Maria