The curves and splendour of the bodywork
Allowing us as drivers to observe.
Whilst underlying mischief crawls and lurks.
On the street it lays, Should I have concern?
It’s plan- it’s strategy, I’m unaware
What horror, pain and torment lie ahead.
I drive it anyway as I don’t care,
Tyres squeal in pain and turn a deep red!
The engine roars as down force gets to work,
An early death bed which of now I head,
The senses in me force a BREAK and JERK!
The chassis twists and writhes from left to right,
Along the long and narrow road, we fight.
Just as a wrote on Sparky's comment - you only have 13 lines! You got it right on the last task so I'll assume this was just an oversight.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the sonnet is good though, the iambic pentametre is good and you've used the caesura and enjambement well too, good job. My favourite example of this is 'I'm unaware/What horror, pain and torment lie ahead'. The emphasis on 'unaware' is really well placed as it's an important word in your sonnet.
In line 10, 'which of now' doesn't really make sense, it seems like you were a syllable short and needed something short to shove in there so it fit with the pentametre. In line 8, do tyres turn deep red? Red is a really emotive colour, and could imply, heat, anger, passion etc, but it jilts a little bit, I don't really imagine tyres turning red - where you just trying to think of something that rhymed with ahead?
There's lots of descriptive words in here which is great, I love 'twists and writhes' and how you've made the car seem alive 'it' plan - its strategy'.
You put yourself in the intermediate category and I think that you've acheived this, well done! If you'd had the full 14 lines you could have had an effective octave/sestet split, at the moment I would put the split as octave quintet. And remember that the split should be made clear, put a break in between the two stanzas. But otherwise, a good effort, you should be pleased with yourself!
Life,
ReplyDeleteAnother great poem! You have some great lines in it. I love this idea of the car being a mischievous creature when we’re the ones driving it. It sort of shifts responsibility onto the car – it’s an interesting take!
Because of this idea I love the line “Whilst underlying mischief crawls and lurks.” And I also love “The chassis twists and writhes from left to right.” You’ve chosen great words. Writhe is such an emotionally powerful word in my opinion; it implies such a struggle, even sinister. It’s a great word given you’re describing the car as mischievous and lurking. Well done with this!
As said before, you’re just missing a line. It should be a rather easy fix. If you add a line after “The senses in me force a BREAK and JERK” with an end word that rhymes with “head” you should be able to fix it. You really seem to be improving with the sonnet form and iambic meter. Be proud of this, it’s a hard skill to learn!
Well done in the intermediate category. Keep pushing yourself, each week gets a bit better and much more confident. Just make sure to really concentrate on catching small errors, like only having 13 lines.
Well done Life. As I’ve always said, if you have any questions, let me know!
Genevieve
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great idea! I like the fact
that the car has become a being with an
inner life evoking feelings of danger, adventure,
and fear. I love the lines:
‘The chassis twists and writhes from left to right/ Along the long and narrow road, we fight.’
'Tyres squeal in pain and turn a deep red!'
There’s a feeling of reckless abandonment
which is very enjoyable: ‘I drive it anyway as I don’t care.’
I wasn’t sure about the capitalisation of ‘BREAK’ and ‘JERK’, I know you want to place emphasis
on these actions, but I think it would be a more effective piece of writing without them.
An original attempt. Well done.
Liz
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThe other moderators have covered things nicely for you - I'd just like to appologise for getting my comments in late (it's a combination of confusion and having no internet in my apartment, I'm afraid), and say well done.
I think that going from praise of the car to its reckless destruction is a cool idea for your shift. It's clear that you've put some serious thought into form.
I liked that you open with:
The curves and splendour of the bodywork
Allowing us as drivers to observe.
Making use of conventional, car-magazine language, although the 'to observe' made me want to hear more about the appearance of the ferrari in the next line. Maybe if you played with that - allowing a thorough description of the 'beautiful' vehicle, before its murderous end towards the end of the poem, it would be even more effective.
That's just thinking around your ideas though - you've done well, and I look forward to your next piece,
Andy
hey all! Thanks for taking time out to moaderate my post.
ReplyDelete( sorry about missing the last line, it was a temporary slip of the mind ) :) I value all your comments and hope that it continues.
PS: I enjoyed the workshop day immensely, thank you!