Somethings I can't forget; the love we had.
I always thought the love we had was true.
Somethings however, look more good than bad,
My life's mistake remains that I and you,
Had never quite managed to pull ourselves
over and through our difficulties. But
now that is; upon thy towering shelves;
another forgotten memory, a cut,
one; surrounded by many others. I know,
even though I should have long forgotten, none
accompany me here, I live solo.
you played a part in the worst assumption;
the most haunting, annoying assumption.
I'm still trying to leave it: forgotten.
Good effort, you have managed the basics quite well, however a couple of your lines go one syllable over (lines 8,9 and 10). Also, assumption and none don’t rhyme. I do like the half rhyme of the end couplet though.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit disappointed that you chose to do the beginner’s sonnet, I think you are selling yourself a bit short. You are making good use of caesura and enjambment, and the content is really interesting. A couple of points about your iambic meter, the stress falls on the middle syllable of however which is a little awkward. Again, the same thing happens in managed, and again in towering, and forgotten. Just double check with the longer words, where the syllables fall, as they are often hard to fit into an iambic pentameter. Apart from that, your meter works really well.
To get to the next stage, you could avoid using archaic language (such as ‘thy’). I am quite a fan of using archaic language, and often get in trouble myself for using it! Double check your line length and meter, and attempt a couple of the techniques from the intermediate section.
Like Gina, I'm not too sure why you chose to put yourself as a beginner! you've been doing really well, but in this one you may have set yourself quite a big task because you used quite a few polysyllabic words that are tricky at the best of times, such as assumption, in all those lines you ended up struggling just a bit. although the first one did work really well.
ReplyDeleteI went through this and noted that 6 of your lines were perfect, so that's almost 50%! one of them was really good: accompany me here, i live solo , is a really good line, i liked it, it worked, you even had a pause in there. the other times you slipped up were easy to master, just the 5th and 6th stanzas startting with "had" and "over", both of these are heavily stressed and therefore it puts the iambic pentameter out, just pay more attention to ehse.
as Gina said, you have gone over on one or two lines on your syllable count, if this happens again try and see if you can fit a shorter word instead, but that still means the same thing.
You've done really well here, typical sonnet subject as well, some interesting images!
i really do think you're getting there, in your spare time try and do an intermediate style sonnet, you'll probably end up surprising yourself!