I should have seen that I could not go on
With this charade that I had tried to play.
I should have chose to quickly act upon
The feeling that had grown inside from day.
I should have seen what I had found in you;
I loved you but we just were not enough,
To stop me from somehow being untrue’
So I decided to start calling bluff.
I cheated and I partied every night
Just for the thought of being somewhere new
I new that you would put up a good fight
So I decided on not telling you.
I know that you may not want to believe
That forgiveness is all I want to achieve.
Please be as honest as possible! If you feel as though i have asked to be marked in the wrong category please don't hesitate to either mark me in that category or tell me so through comments. Thank you!
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteSteady improvement from last week. Iambic pentameter is near perfect. Look at line 7 and see if you can find and correct the misplaced stress that I hear. Line 14 seems to have an extra syllable in the first half, but it recovers well as the powerful "I" recaptures the correct stress.
The sonnet begins wonderfully "I should have seen that I could not go on/with this charade".
The first line seems pitched towards desperation, then the excellent enjambment reveal the prevailing tone of regret.
You also exploit the octet/sextet structure well. The beginning of the sestet (lines 9-10) are the strongest in the poem. "I cheated and I partied every night" is very concrete, defining the muddled (in a good way)emotionality of the octet. The more abstract, philosophical "Just for the thought of being somewhere new" cleverly contrasts the previous line.
As for improvements, go back to that excellent beginning. After "charade" the line finishes a bit awkwardly and doesn't add much to the meaning. This might be a good place to try and experiment, stretch your talent a bit. A free-write might help. Without thinking about meanings, write down as many words begining with the "sh" sound for a minute or so (picking up on the alliteration of "should" and "charade.") See if the words you generate lead you towards stronger statements or imagery that will enhance what you are trying to say. You might also try this technique with rhymes -untrue shoe blue canoe phew, and so on - I think this process, especially in the preliminary stages, will help you find more creative ways to express your powerful, straight-talking, intelligent thoughts.
pax
I really like this poem, especially “just for the thought of being somewhere new”, sounds a bit like a Morrisey song! The preceding line I feel is a bit awkward, it feels like you have chosen to omit a word in front of bluff to fit with the syllable length, try finding alternative ways of saying what you want to say without sounding a little off. Well done on fitting forgiveness into an iambic meter, it is no easy feat!
ReplyDeleteYou have separated the octave and sextet, however you kind of prepare the reader for it in line 8. This is fine to do, but maybe it would be more striking if you had made the change abrupt. (Personally I like it how you have written it, but it might make an interesting change to see how it would alter the tone of the poem to stymie the poem halfway through to start a different idea).
I think you have perfected iambic meter, and feel you have correctly placed yourself in the advanced section. However, I’m not sure you use all the techniques to their full potential. For example, you could try incorporating internal rhyme into the poem, and maybe play up the alliteration you have already used. Apart from this, I was really impressed! Well done!
Shani,
ReplyDeleteWell done! Every week there’s more confidence and the mastery of skill. I hope you’re really pleased with yourself. It’s always a risk to challenge yourself, and I would say you did really well challenging yourself at an advanced level. Please be proud of this. I would really continue to push yourself this way, I’ve seen a lot of growth in the past three poems. Obviously, nothing can ever perfect, we can always continue to shape and mould things into something better, but Shani, you’re well on your way.
After moderator’s have commented, have you rewritten or worked on any poems?
Well done with the sonnet form. When you split them up there are four stanzas, and the rhyming scheme has been perfected. I love your use of enjambment (I’ve recently been trying too – I’d say you’re ahead of me on that one for sure). Enjambment always creates a fleeting feeling of suspense, and you’ve cut sentences in the right places.
If you are going for advanced, try a few more points in the guidelines, like internal rhyme and alliteration. A little of each can go a long way. Also, I agree that exclamation and questions can be very powerful if used in the right way. Try experimenting maybe with different forms in different poems; they don’t need to be all clumped together. But I hope to see some more of the advanced qualities in the weeks to come!
Next step I think would be working on diction and word choice. Play around with words. A professor always noted that words should always be “fresh”; people like being surprised, we like “newness”. Give it a try!
Keep working, I’m really impressed. Can’t wait for next week. As always, let me know if there’s anything I can help with!
Genevieve