Affectionate and amiable; you are
Among the most profound and perfect man
I could wish for. But lately our
relationship oppresses me than
Uplifting me. Your viral hold is stuck
To my skin like a horrid rash. No cream
Can ease the burning, nor can any luck
Remove the pain that makes me want to scream.
It hurts to be the one to tell you that
Our special marriage to cease now.
You want control and dominion but
I won't obey, curtsey or even bow.
With great remorse I want a divorce
And live freely away from your great force.
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDelete"Freedom", yes! "Your viral hold" is one of the most evocative images I've read (anywhere) in quite awhile. This and the extended "rash" metaphor, allows anyone who's had the flu, a rash, to get some idea of what it feels like to be in an oppressive relationship. Well done on taking up the challenge to explore imagery. Absolutely brilliant.
The few lines which are faulty in terms of metre seem to be down to missing words? "relationship oppresses me than"? Also look at lines 9 (missing word?) and maybe 10 which could scan but seems awkward to my ear. Minor issues, but worth cleaning up beacuse your sonnet deserves the best.
Good use of half-rhyme - "are" "our". "That" and "but" stretches a bit far to my ear but works well enough.
Excellent use of internal rhyme "remorse" and "divorce" (Line 13) The line seems to be a syllable short, though. Read it aloud and see how this minor imperfection mars a potentially beautiful line. The linking internal rhyme perfectly mirrors the conflict of the octet and the regret, yet determination of the sestet. Its placement in the final couplet makes the resolution firm.
Excellent structure.
So, well done. "Your viral hold," truly original and powerful. It really enhances the powerful emotions you express here.
pax
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I really admire about your poetry is how it often tells a story and embraces narrative. Not only that, you’ve created a voice that is held within the firm walls a sonnet. All extremely impressive. It’s great that you’ve experimented with imagery too - the 'rash' - while
the ‘viral hold’ is quite incredible!
Some of the lines don’t quite meet the meter though - all things I know you can do - it’s just
a matter of refining a little bit more, tweaking here and there to make sure everything is running smoothly.
I think you have achieved a lot throughout these exercises. Looking forward to your next piece.
Liz
Whilst there is some excellent use of caesura and enjambement here, and some alliteration now and then too (and your volta works well too), I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed with the overall poem this week. I don’t for a minute think that you didn’t try hard – I am just not convinced that it really works, for a number of reasons. And that happens to us all: you should see half the nonsense I wrote at Norwich on Friday! :)
ReplyDeleteLet me go through it line by line, where I see problems:
2: should be among the most profound and perfect MEN, to work grammatically;
3: Not only does this line lack the final foot, but “wish” also sounds strange unstressed;
4: Firstly, it would need to say “rather than” in order to make sense; and secondly, you are currently one syllable too few. How about replacing “than” with “without”?
6: “skin” needs stressing
9: “that” seems a rather weak stressed syllable with which to end a line
10: to stress “to” and unstress “cease” sounds wrong; and you are two syllables short at the end too.
11: I would say “do-min-ion” is three syllables, leaving this line one syllable short too.
12: “curtsey” is stressed wrongly
13: one syllable short in this line too
14: “freely” is stressed wrongly; and there is something which just seems a bit weak to me about your final phrase.
So, lots to think about there. Let’s see if Task 33 can really prove your credentials as a sonneteer and see if you can blow the competition away? :)
Thanks for your comments I am determined to do much better in my next sonnet.
ReplyDeleteHi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteYou've received some really great comments already, so I'd like to focus on the way your poem is working in terms of each separate line. But first, I also want to congratulate you on your usage of imagery in this poem. Really well done. :)
What I am about to tell you is certainly nothing you should worry about until you reach the final stages of revision, but it's good to keep in mind for the future. Take a look at the last word of each line - those last words kind of stand out more than the rest, don't they? Because of that, it's important to make sure they are powerful and effective. A lot of your lines' last words are slightly weak, such as "our" and "than" and "but." Take a look at your stronger line endings, such as "stuck" and "scream" and "force." Do you see how these words are much more effective than the others?
Like I said, this comment is very picky, but also very important when you are polishing a poem's final draft.
Keep it up!
Maria