It is beyond my knowledge of how to escape
In the presence of him. So what hope is there left
For me? Secrets too cruel to imagine, the rape
Was just one step too far. I know not of this theft,
Just the constance abuse I suffered form him. Man
Or a beast I know not the difference nor will
I deny the horrible truth. His hunt began
For my pure and clean soul just a year ago, ill
Sick, Vile. All I feel when I remember what he
Did. The scars a reminder of what he chose. Pain
Is all he brought to me. He took my heart, left me
Torn. His daunting smirk left in my head like a stain.
Hey Sabz,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I'd like to commend you for tackling the subject matter you did; this is very mature of you.
You seem to have taken to the new task fairly easily; all of your lines have the correct syllable count and the rhyme scheme is bang on, so congrats for that too!
As for the anapestic tetrameter, you've done really well. Some of the lines need a little but or reworking, line 9 for example. The stresses read a little forced: sick, vile. ALL i feel WHEN i reMEMber what HE. I feel that the emphasised words should be 'vile' and 'feel' and 'I'. I understand that the 'mem' of 'remember' should be stressed, and this is what you've done which is good and correct, but the rest of the line feels a little off.
However, some lines I feel are really strong, with the stresses in absolutely the right places; lines 2, 3, and 12 are my favourites for this. The strongest words in the lines are emphasised, making the poetry much stronger.
As for caesura and enjambement, you've done well too. My favourite piece of enjambement in this poem is lines 5 to 6: Man or a beast. This is particularly well used because 'man' and 'beast' are both stressed. This is the stuff great poetry is made of! I also really like 'Torn.' in line 12 because it is isolated from the rest of it's sentence, illustrating the feeling of being torn the narrator is feeling. Well done!
I can see that you've tried hard, and I'm impressed, well done!
Enjoy the winter break, I look forward to reading your work in the New Year!
I'm sorry that I have to leave another comment, but I only just realised that you have 12 lines, when in fact the minimum was 16 - four quatrains, whilst you only have three.
ReplyDeleteLike me, did you see 12 syllables and confuse this meant lines too?! Oops.
I'm sure you'll rectify this for next time, and I'm sorry for leaving a p.s.!
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteLooks like Frances has given you some awesome anapestic tetrameter advice, so let's talk about syntax/word choice.
When working with strict poetic rhythm, it's really easy to slip into the habit of forcing sentences to fit the form. Sometimes this affects your word usage, in that some sentences are structured in ways that would never occur in spoken English. In a certain way, this is poetry's privilege, because you can take artistic liberties with language. However, you must also be careful that unconventional language doesn't get in the way of our reading the poem - so look out for awkward/confusing syntax and word choice.
For example, take your first line: "It is beyond my knowledge of how to escape / In the presence of him." I'm not sure about the words "of" and "in" in this sentence. I think they are just clogging up your lines, making the sentence feel awkward when it doesn't need to be. Removing them would still affect the rhythm, so be careful with editing.
Another example: "Pain / Is all he brought to me". Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think in spoken English we would omit the "to" so that it just reads "Pain is all he brought me."
Most of the words I'm picking at are little functional words (in these cases, prepositions), like to, of, in, so just keep that in mind for future editing. :)
Other than that, I agree with Frances - this is an impressive piece, and I commend you for taking on such a heavy topic.
Good work. :)
Maria
Hey Sabz,
ReplyDeleteThe other moderators have done a good job so far - I agree with all their comments.
I have a bit of problem with this statement:
'the rape was just one step too far'
In my opinion, this really diminishes the importance of this awful action. The word 'just' plays a big role in that, but you'd think that rape would be something much more awful than 'a step too far'.
Also, why even say it? Why not just imply that this is what happened, and let the reader figure it out? There is a saying about creative writing: that you should 'show' the reader what is going on, rather than 'telling' them. This is usually mentioned when discussing prose, but I think with poetry it is even more important. Don't tell us she is abused, imply it, show us the effects on the girl, and let us figure it out for ourselves. This makes for a more satisfying piece of creative writing.
You have some great lines:
'Man
Or a beast I know not the difference'
'He took my heart, left me
Torn. His daunting smirk left in my head like a stain.'
I like the use of the word 'hunt' - this goes nicely with the man/beast image. The word 'torn' is particularly emotive as it has a double meaning.
You should keep an eye on your punctuation. One bit where I think you really should re-work it is:
'His hunt began for my pure and clean soul just a year ago, ill sick, vile. All I feel when I remember what he did.'
I've removed the line breaks to make it clearer. I think you need to move the sentence break. This would make more sense to me:
'His hunt began for my pure and clean soul just a year ago. Ill, sick, vile: all I feel when I remember what he did.'
This would make:
.... His hunt began
for my pure and clean soul just a year ago. Ill,
sick, vile: all I feel when I remember what he
did.
Here is another place I feel needs to be punctuated:
'The scars a reminder of what he chose'
Are you saying 'the scar is a reminder' or that 'the scars are a reminder'? If it is the former, you need an apostrophe:
'The scar's a reminder...'
If the later, you need a semi-colon, or a hyphen, or something to break up the sentence:
'The scars: a reminder...'
I hope this helps. The other's have made some very good points about the structure of your poem. I'm asking you to take a close look at the way you present your subject matter, and consider the use of punctuation to add clarity to your words.
Great effort here though - well done.
Have a merry christmas!