I have to do this frustrating task before twelve
everything's confusing, I don't know what to write,
am I boring you? Well sorry it's not my fault.
I'm sleepy and knackered, and arrived has the night.
Let me entertain myself with things from the past
those boys! Their swimming coach! A water wrinkled big
man, he warned them he would tell their parents, they laughed.
He was vicious, dull and could turn you into figs
He actually rose up near them like a merlion
or weary sea dragon king, his long soaked mane
now horrificly clinging to the sunburnt sides,
He was shouting at that boy to get in his lane.
The cheeky rebel tossed his head disdainfully,
the other sticking out his tongue like a finger!
He threatened something awful against their diseased
bodies. The first boy paused letting the sound linger!
This poem was a real pleasure to read - thank you very much! In my comments for Task 32 I talked about how writing can often benefit by being rooted in the concrete, rather than the abstract. Well, this is exactly what you've done here - and I love it!
ReplyDeleteThere's some absolutely striking images, particularly in the third stanza. 'Merlion' is an inventive twist on a familiar idea, and the metaphor is usefully extended through the use of 'mane'. 'Sea dragon king' is also really vivid and unusual - while a more realist detail such as 'sunburnt sides' also makes this work visceral and relatable. I can smell the chlorine! (However, be careful about your use of tenses - I'm not sure why this stanza slips from present to past...)
I also like the slight sense of mystery or threat running through this poem. It's great, as it gives the work a real drive, encouraging the reader to read on. This ambiguity arrives in stanza two, where the reader asks what, exactly, the swimming coach is going to tell the boys parents? Presumably about their rebelliousness/bad behaviour, but that it's not spelled out gives it that edge of intrigue.
However, the fourth stanza, for me, slips from ambiguity into confusion. 'Diseased bodies' - how so? The pronoun use makes me unsure whether it is the boy letting the 'sound' of his 'threat' 'linger' - or whether it's the coach's threat?
The first stanza is, obviously, obsolete, because you clearly DO 'know what to write'! There's also a jarring construction in line four, in the shift from highly informal ('knackered') to almost archaic ('arrived has the night'). The rest of the poem is so strong that I would have loved to have read, rather than this introduction, a fourth stanza concluding/drawing together/explaining/complicating/commenting on/doing something typically angeleyez creative with these 'things from the past'.
You haven't quite cracked this new form yet - e.g. line six is stressed 'THOSE BOYS!', line nine is stressed 'He ACT-ua-lly', and so forth - but you've given it a good go. Sorry I haven't gone through the formal stuff with such a fine toothcomb - perhaps one of the other mods can pick up the slack on this?
Great stuff to round off '08 - I'm looking forwards to what '09 will bring!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteThe story in this poem is delightful - funny and interesting. In fact, in terms of narrative, I'd begin the poem at the second stanza: your first indicates the narrative voice quite nicely, but it's only when we get to stanza 2 that we really get drawn in.
Metrically, there are some problems. I think the line that stands out as perfectly anapestic is the last line of stanza 1: it's got that tight "de DUH de de DUH de de DUH de de DUH" rhythm.
For stanza 2, something like "Entertaining myself with remembrances past: / Of those boys and their swimming coach, wrinkled and big; / How he warned them he'd tell all their parents. They laughed. / He was vicious, though dull, and a bit of a pig." It's not great, but see how the rhythm is unambiguous? "en-ter-TAIN-ing my-SELF with re-MEM-bran-ces PAST: / of those BOYS and their SWIM-ming coach..." It's how you would say it normally, and it fits the rhythm.
I'd suggest just going through and reading your poem aloud - and say it as you'd normally say it, not to fit the rhythm. For example, in normal speech we'd say "the QUICK BROWN FOX jumped OV-er the LA-zy DOG"; no matter how we try, we can't make "THE quick brown FOX jumped o-VER the la-ZY dog" sound natural!
Good luck, and happy Christmas!
Penny
Hello again. I should first begin by pointing out that I agree with everything my fellow moderators have pointed out, except that I feel I should defend the aesthetics of your opening paragraph. An ability to disorientate your reader without alienating them is an invaluable talent to have, and I think you achieve that in your opening stanza. What I mean is that Sarah is quite right when she says that the stanza is obsolete as you do know what to write, but the fact that you immediately go on to confuse the reader by writing very self-assuredly gives you a certain power over the reader. For example, my own personal feelings as I read the poem were a feeling initially of trepidition as I'm not generally fond of poems that are about the lack of inspiration for the writing of poems. Principally because I've read poems like that a million times, especially lines like, "I don't know what to write", so therefore see poems of this nature as lacking in originality. Therefore these were my expectations while reading the first stanza. On beginning the second stanza, however, I was pleasantly surprised to have my expectations completely dashed as you instead crafted a very original, otherworldly, rather hallucinogenic 12 lines. Now what I mean about having power over the reader is that, by and large, readers like to feel in control of what they read; that is why surrealist literature is a largely underground artform. Therefore, because the rest of your poem is somewhat ambiguous, starting with stanza 2 could be in danger of alienating a certain type of reader. Stanza 1, however, is very clear and identifiable. Therefore anyone can easily read this and in effect you have lulled readers into a sense of security which you abruptly take away in the second stanza. However, readers who like to feel in control will react to this sudden shift by attempting to reassert their control and understanding of the poem, and the only way they can do this is to keep reading. Therefore in effect you have the reader in your control and provided you don't slip too far into surrealism you can pretty much leave the poem as open to interpretation as you choose to. In any case your poem never does slip too far into surrealism as Sarah has already provided very plausible interpretations. I must also second Sarah's praise of your sense of threat, with "The first boy paused letting the sound linger" providing a very effective climax. Indeed I really should praise your versatility as a writer, in that some poets specialise at sinister poems, some at carefree poems, some at violent poems, etc, whereas since I started doing this blog you have demonstrated your ability at a while range of different moods.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as Sarah and Penny have also pointed out, there are a number of technical issues that need addressing and I'll give a few examples;
line 1: "do" should be stressed, as should -RAT- in "frustrating"
line 2: "confusing" should be stressed on the -FUS-
line 4: the first syllable of "sleepy" should be stressed rather than the last, and I agree with Sarah about the ackward use of an archaic phrase such as "arrived has the night", especially after the casual usage of a word like "knackered".
line 10: "weary" and "dragon" should be stressed on the first syllable and not the last
But in any case, I'm sure you'll be able to iron out many of these wrinkles by the new year and I look forward to your next task,
Well done again,
Eoghan
Hello, sorry for the extreme lateness of the reply, I didn’t have the internet over the Christmas period and have been a bit behind since being back. This was a nice poem to return to though, well done. I especially like the journey into the memory, you are not telling a story where all the questions are answered; you have written a poem that reflects how the mind pieces together memories.
ReplyDeleteAs a general point, I would be a bit more generous with your punctuation. Just because a line ends doesn’t mean you don’t need punctuation, and sometimes your punctuation doesn’t reflect how you would pause as a reader. For example, the end of the first line requires a punctuation break of some kind. Also, in “Well sorry it’s not my fault”, the reader would pause after sorry, which needs to be reflected in your punctuation. I quite like that you have quite long sentences with multiple commas, as this mirrors the train of thought style of your poem.
I think you’ve grasped the anapaest really well, I think it suits your style of writing more than the iamb. I just noticed a couple of words where you come unstuck in your rhythm. In the second stanza, the line beginning “those boys” puts the emphasis on “boys” rather than “their”. And in the third stanza, “he actually” leaves the stress on the wrong part of the word. Apart from that, your rhythm runs really smoothly, I think that by next task you will have mastered it.