When the shining sun shimmers, it shares its smile
When the birds sing their song, they bestow a charm of
Joy and happiness. When the breeze brushes by, it
Brings a cool and calming feeling from up above.
When there is blossom blooming on a dancing tree
When there are pretty, colourful, elegant flowers
When there is growing green everywhere to be seen
That’s the time of summer. The beginning of flower power
Winter
When the trees are stripped with nothing to spare.
When the colourful flowers have withered away.
When there is no trace of growing green to be seen
When the sky invaded by heaps of clouds turns grey.
When the bitter wind robustly comes out to play
When the lazy animals hibernate and hide
When a fluffy smooth white blanket, swathes the long streets
When frost is fierce. But it’s very different inside...
The season of lots of love and prosperity.
The excited faces of all the younger kids
Yearning for their wrapped up, expensive presents.
And of course Christmas dinner worth a thousand quid!!!!
By Lilmiz
Hello
ReplyDeleteI'm going for a beginner but I'm not sure if I could go for a low-Intermediate :s
Thanks
Lilmiz
Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteYour poem is making me excited for Christmas. :)
Good job! Before we talk about technical stuff, let's talk about content. I like that this poem is so image-focused. I think you've hit all the major ways of describing seasons (i.e. birds and blossoms, then snow and frost). If you enjoy nature poetry and you haven't read him already, I would definitely recommend checking out poet Robert Frost.
I think something to watch out for is mood changes in your poem. Mood shifts in themselves are neither bad nor good, but I feel that the end of your poem doesn't quite match up with the mood of the beginning. The beginning is so soothing, and it transitions from summer to winter, and you're talking about nature and images. But in the end your poem leaps away from nature poetry and into a fun anecdote about Christmas (and finishes with three exclamation marks). It feels almost like two different poems. So either find a way to connect your ideas more seamlessly, or edit out the stuff that doesn't match the rest.
Also, really great job with alliteration. "When the breeze brushes by..." "cool and calming..." "growing green..." Awesome. Keep it up.
Ok, this comment is already fairly long, so I'll let the other moderators address the meter and technical stuff in this poem. Nice work! I enjoyed reading this.
Maria
Hi Lilmiz. This was a tough challenge, so well done on giving it a go.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, let me comment on your title. 'Seasons Entwined with Nature' - the seasons are part of nature, so to me, they cannot be entwined, as they are part of the same thing. I like the word 'entwined', though. What is the subject of your poem, other than the seasons? Think about the surface meaning (the seasons) and the deeper meaning of your poem, then perhaps you could use this in the title.
As for the structure of the poem, you haven't quite got 12 syllables on every line (the first line, for example, only has 11). This is easy to fix. Look out for that in the future.
You haven't quite got the rhythm down either. It starts off well, but by the end of the first line you have lost the rhythm because of the incorrect syllable count. You repeat 'when there is' quite a few times at the beginning of your lines. This would put the emphasis on 'is'. That doesn't sound right, does it? Likewise, make sure the words you end the lines with are the ones with the stressed syllables, too. You use words like 'of' and 'it', which are usually unstressed in natural speech.
You CAN do the anapestic rhythm though. Here is a line where you've written it perfectly:
'When the colourful flowers have withered away'
So well done. Just look closer at some of the other lines that don't quite fit.
Make sure your poem doesn't become to repetitive. You start with 'When the...' a lot, but it doesn't have a good enough effect to justify the repetition; it seems slightly amaturish, in my opinion. Try to think outside the box and aim for originality in your words and structure.
I'm not quite sure why you have got 'winter' stuck in the middle in bold. Why have you labled this season and not the others? It looks out of place.
When writing about the seasons, it would be structually more logical to donate one stanza per season, and deal with them in the order they occure. Here, it looks to me like you have two for summer and two for winter, and spring and autumn become confused and mixed in with them. I like the idea of having a final stanza sum up your poem and bring a new element into it.
You've got the rhyming scheme right, but make sure that the rhymes serve you, rather than letting the rhyme dictate your poem. The last word ('quid') seemed a little forced to me as the phrase 'worth a thousand quid' seemed to come out of no where. I think you could re-word the ending to have more of an effect. What do you want the reader to go away and think about? 'Of' and 'above' is a nice subtle rhyme, but as I've mentioned before, it's not a good idea to end a line with 'of' since it shouldn't be stressed.
Good effort here, lilmiz, but I think there is room for improvement. You have definetely shown that you have the capacity to do this task, but it just needs a little more attention to detail.
Hope you have a great Christmas!
Hi lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteStriking images, lovely alliteration, some effective internal rhymes -
so much natural talent, but you do need to focus.
Are you reading your work aloud after composing it? If not, do try it. You may find yourself stumbling over lines that would work well in the assigned rhythm.
For instance, the second winter stanza is my favourite in terms of images and sound.
On its own "swathes the long streets" is a beautiful phrase, really striking. However, read the entire stanza aloud. I found myself stumbling a bit around "white blanket" and the stresses are misplaced. Even if I weren't looking for anapests, I think it would still feel awkward.
Similarly, "When frost is fierce" reads perfectly as iambs (and is powerful line - made me homesick :) ), but I stumbled over the rhythm because of the surrounding lines.
Lots to like here, lilmiz. Rhythm and other techniques can be taught, and you will pick them up. The natural poetic ability you possess can't be taught - the techniques will help you reach your potential.
pax
Thanks everyone
ReplyDeleteHave a Magical Christmas and a Fabulous New year!!!!!!