As I watch it’s soft movements, I drool. I can’t stop,
Can’t imagine how simple life is as an Oak.
My roots anchored deep, leaves swaying slow, I don’t know
Why I love it so. As close to me as my folks.
I have only known City life as me, myself.
What fun will I reap from this new empathetic life?
Having zero care, just pure, simple, easy freedom.
I’ll have no need to run, no need to hide, No strife.
My leaves glazed on by the warm, calm, maternal sun.
My thirst constantly quenched by the merciful rain.
Unlike humans I can last over two hundred years,
Like a blip on a map, like a chocolaty stain
Oh if only I were an oak! I would live a
Tranquil, Undisturbed life of “coasting” and “floating”.
I would have the ability to watch over
My disciples, I stand among them. I’m hoping…
Hi all! I'd just like to say that this time around my creative juices weren't flowing fully so i apologise if there are any mis-haps.
ReplyDelete(Having multiple illnesses can sort of take it out of someone).
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you're ill; I hope it's not too serious and that you feel better soon!
I like the idea behind your poem, it's quite strange but I think it works. I'm sure most people have wondered what it is like to be a tree.
There are a couple of mistakes though; in some lines there are 13 syllables instead of 12, and the anapestic tetrameter doesn't always work. However, I have faith in your abilities; your other work is better than this so I will put it down to your illnesses that you've struggled with this task and won't critise too much.
In the future, to see if the anapestic tetrameter fits with what you've got, use the same techniques as with the sonnets - read aloud and count on your fingers. That's what I do when I moderate and it's the only way I can really tell.
You've nailed it in a couple of lines though - the first line is good. The stresses fall on 'watch', 'move', 'drool' and 'stop' - the important words of the line (I'm not sure whether drool really fits though...)
I really like the enjambement on the penultimate and final line, 'to watch over/My disciples', I think this is really nice. I know that with a but more work and concentration and health, you'll be able to crack this out no problem!
I hope you enjoy the festive season, and feel better soon! I look forward to reading your work in 2009!
Hey,
ReplyDeleteIt's cool to read your stuff again. It's a tricky exercise, and having lurgy can't have made it any easier for you.
There's still some good creative-juice use here though. I especially like the 'chocolately stain' to show an oak on a map - that's ace. Also, you've got the rythm in places, such as:
constantly quenched by the merciful rain.
I'm sure you can hear that picking up the rythm. Also, you managed it with pollysyllabic words, so doubly good job.
It is true that you've lost the rythm in other sections of the poem. If you've ever heard the poem 'The Owl and The Pussy Cat' it should be the same rythm as the bit that goes 'with a ring at the end of his nose.' Use the same technique of syllable monitoring as with iambics (hand under chin - to steal Maria's advice).
So an example of lost metre would be:
Oh if only I were an oak! I would live a
'Oh' - is a big, fat stress, so the rest can't work. Maybe focus on soft opening words to lines and the rest will come easier.
Still good thinking on this one though - the metre is off, but the ideas are firing on all furnaces, so be proud of that. Take care,
Andy
Life,
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better!
Another great poem, and I’m really pleased with your first attempt at anapest. I had no idea what the scheme was until I researched it a little better, so good job! Couldn’t do it better myself.
To begin, I really like your use of enjambment and caesura, it gets better and better. I hope that you feel more comfortable with it and see how effective it is. My favourite line with the device is “I would have the ability to watch over / My disciples”, I think it’s beautiful. I think it’s the combination of nature and this religious notion of disciples, I think it works perfectly. Those are lines that I get really, really excited about – the originality is wonderful.
I also like the perspective you take in the poem. I love that it’s a tree, and I love that you challenged yourself with it. It’s hard to take on a new perspective, especially with something that remains still and inanimate. I like what you see, too, from the tree’s perspective. I also like that you end it with “I’m hoping…” It’s an appropriate conclusion!
I also adore “Like a blip on a map, a chocolaty stain” and “Oh if only I were an oak!”, the second, especially, because it’s such an exclamation, as if you really yearn to be an oak. It’s interesting, and I love interesting.
I know I’ve not mentioned much about the anapest scheme, but previous comments have, so I wanted to focus on the great things, especially during the holidays!
I hope they’re wonderful and you’re excited to get back to Wordvoodoo.
Genevieve