As the time grew shorter and therefore nearer, I made a choice that would knowingly change the course of my life forever. I could have turned back, yet as my mind locked onto pursuing a potential victim, my grip tightened around the bladed object i now carried. People often refer choose to live their life by the motto 'an eye for an eye'. I tend to deem that a little weak.
The place provided an anonymous setting for my main event. Every now and then, the odd flickering street lamp would provide my retinas with a glimpse of a foreign landscape. It had been around 50 minutes since I last had the pleasure of a clear view. Yet this only added to my eager anticipation of the carnage I new all too well I was capable of creating. The last time I checked on my geographical location, I was heading in the direction of Mosside, yet as the streets became more urbanised, my route was continuously interrupted by the risk of being spotted, or just inaccessibility.
I decided to switch tactic and search for victims on the main road. By this time however pickings would be slim, only a few bums sleeping rough in the odd charity shop entrance would occur every now and again. Just as I was losing hope, I heard a distant commotion that had spilt through the streets, in the hope of finding someone to pass on all my burdens to, I investigated.
As I neared what I hoped would be my salvation, I caught sight of a young gentleman, who (by the looks of his physique and lack of co-ordination) obviously took his health for granted. My grip on the knife tightened again,this time my mind was set on passing on the suffering I had suffered at the hands of others.
Before I new it instinct prescribed a heavy dose of adrenaline through my veins like a gushing torrent of water through a fire hose. I approached him steadily, making sure not to attract any unwanted attention, yet a set of headlights cast a stream of light onto the knife causing it to glint carelessly. It caught his attention, his body froze, his lips tried to respond, yet his lungs were incapable of drawing in any air, and as I freed myself of all my past suffering, I breathed a sigh of pure relief.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteMany great lines here; but I don't think it's as consistently strong as your earlier piece, "Solitary."
Just a thought, I think your voice is most effective in the purely present tense. You seem to inhabit the character more fully.
The major difference in this piece is the number of vague, almost cliched lines which often tell too much:
"As the time grew shorter and therefore nearer" is an interesting perspective, grabbing the mind intellectually. Then the clause that follows: "I made a..."? It's pretty empty. Either visually, aurally or intellectually make sure every word is a strong as say
" ...an eye for eye'. I tend to deem that a little weak."
. The understatement ("I tend to") and dry humour establish a unique voice for the character. It would actually be a very strong first line.
But then there's the preceding clause "People often refer choose to live their life by the motto"
Even without what I imagine is a missed word or letter (also check "new" which should be...?) it dilutes the punch of the line.
Many of the lines, (especially first lines of paragraphs) are similarly constructed.
For example:
"Every now and then, the odd flickering would provide my retinas with a glimpse of a foreign landscape."
"provide my retinas with..." works brilliantly and I'd immediately recognise it as a Carlsberger phrase.
But do you need "every now and then"? It does fit with your detached style, but I still think it's redundant.
One final example:
" As I neared what I hoped would be my salvation, I caught sight of a young gentleman who (by the looks of his physique and lack of coordination) obviously took his health for granted."
The kernel of the sentence ("took his health for granted") is hard-edged, witty and original. But/and the pause (by the... ) is incredibly jarring and deflating (explaining) at the same time. However, the laconic "young gentleman" does match the character's voice.
Your style often lends itself to these traditionally "weaker" phrases so I'm reluctant to suggest altering them. I'd never want to miss out on "headlights cast a stream of light onto the knife causing it to glint carelessly." (!); but look back at 'Solitary' and see which you think is stronger and which feels more comfortable.
Challenging as always. Thanks.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the sinister mood of your piece, your compelling use of black humour and filmic close-ups. The line: ‘...I tend to deem that a little weak’ is wonderfully malicious and helps to establish a strong narrative voice early into the piece. The narrator’s glee in his destruction and violence is very well conveyed throughout.
I also liked the glimpse into the narrator’s past: ‘...my mind was set on passing on the suffering I had suffered at the hands of others.’ You could consider revising the line, perhaps even making it into two sentences to avoid the repetition of ‘on’ and ‘suffering/suffered,’ but establishing a vengeful motive adds dimension to the character and opens up plot possibilities.
Crucially, you don’t tell us too much. In the last paragraph in particular you leave gaps and use suggestion, building up tension and allowing the reader to join some dots. You don’t say: ‘I stabbed him,’ rather: ‘I freed myself of all my past suffering.’ Wonderful!
The knife image is fantastically well achieved.
Some small things: ‘The last time I checked on my location’ would do – no need for ‘geographical.’ Also ‘... a distant commotion splitting through the streets’ would be more immediate. Consider beginning the final paragraph with: ‘Adrenaline gushed through my veins like a torrent of water through a fire hose.’
Some strong, pacey writing here. Well done.
Joanne
Hey,
ReplyDeleteA great opening paragraph, of which “People often refer choose to live their life by the motto 'an eye for an eye'. I tend to deem that a little weak” is the best sentence – so good, in fact, that I’d actually suggest making it the opening sentence, and cutting the rest. It sounds drastic, I know, but if you read straight from this into the second paragraph, which speaks ominously of the “main event” without knowing that it involves a “blade”, the tension is much greater. At the moment, I think you’re undermining slightly the strength of your own writing by wanting to explain things to the reader, which is something that’s hard to judge, but I think in this instance you can cut it back. Certainly, the first phrase, “As the time grew shorter and therefore nearer, I made a choice that would knowingly change the course of my life forever”, is superfluous.
In the second paragraph, I’m not sure if you’re reaching for a slightly heightened voice, but having seen your other work, I think that there’s a slight tendency to use more circumlocution than you need. Phrases like “geographical location”, while seeming innocuous enough, just make the reader stumble a little bit, because you’re taking time to say something that should be a bit more simple. There’s a nice Poe-like sound to your writing, though.
There’s a bit of uncertainty of grammar with the phrase “my route was continuously interrupted by the risk of being spotted, or just inaccessibility”. You’ve managed the complicated voice well, though, with “who (by the looks of his physique and lack of co-ordination) obviously took his health for granted.” Perfectly observed!
I’d just say that the climax of the piece, where the murder actually happens, is a bit obscure: we’re given the man’s appearance, and the fact that he’s registered the knife, so we expect him to run or to fight – instead, the killing seems too easy, and the fact that it’s not referred to directly – just “and as I freed myself of all my past suffering, I breathed a sigh of pure relief” – means that the reader feels a bit short-changed.
But your prose is elegant, the voice menacing, and I certainly want to read more - you’ve done well. I’m just picking up on a few points to hone your writing even more.
Well done,
Penny
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteI’m really sorry for such a delayed reply! But I hope that my belated comments are still useful.
I think there are some really nice ideas in this piece. Like Rendell, you drop in, but don’t (over-)explain hints to create a sense of mystery: why is the narrator searching for random ‘victims’? Why will killing someone be his ‘salvation’? What are his ‘burdens’? These are all intriguing questions, and I’d like to read on to find out what the answers are!
However, there are some technical issues in this piece that could be worked on to strengthen it. Firstly, please, PLEASE proofread for typos and the like before submitting anything. Twice in this piece you’ve used ‘new’ rather than ‘knew’. This is a careless error that could easily be avoided! I’d also recommend checking your punctuation a little closer; there are quite a few misplaced commas, so maybe it’d be worthwhile to remind yourself of the rules.
Although I like that our narrator is violent and incredibly articulate (a fascinating combination, confounding reader expectations), you still have a tendency to overwrite. ‘Gushing torrent of water through a fire hose’ is quite a nice simile, but is weakened by conflicting with your previous medical metaphor, and through using too many adjectives – I think ‘gushing like water through…’ or ‘a torrent of water through…’ would be stronger. Try not to over-egg the pudding, especially when it comes to adverb usage; although they can be used really effectively, adverbs often ring over-writing alarm bells (for example, I didn’t think ‘glint carelessly’ is necessary – if its personification of the knife, I don’t think it really works, plus you’ve already implied that the narrator doesn’t want attention, so the reader can assume that if the narrator DOES attract attention it is through carelessness).
I think the key to avoiding this kind of overwriting is to be strict with yourself when you edit your work: on the redraft, just cross out everything that is unnecessary. You might be surprised by just how much chaff there is in ANY writer’s first draft, but cutting it all out during the editing stage will improve your work no end.