I chose excerpt 4 because I thought it was very original and with the first three sentences it grabs the reader’s attention. “First the colors, then the humans,” the reader starts thinking about why the human is next and wants to read on to find out. I really love the way how the author is direct to its reader, “you will know me well enough,” it gives the reader little clues throughout the story. I like the way in which the author keeps a focus on the ‘colors’ and makes it more important than anything else, “I make it a point to notice them.” “Who could ever replace me,” I like the way in which Zusak tries to get the reader involve in the story by making them think with the questions, “what does he need a distraction from?”
Would you have taken the step?
It wasn’t my idea, but do I still take the blame? The floor had a soft texture but I still felt the roughness digging slowly into my feet. I stood there. The colour on the wall absorbed the silence that was in the room. I could still sense it.
One step then another but the second falls deeper. The light in the room made a beautiful friendship with the silence that was present. They made the perfect bond. Wouldn’t you agree with me? Or perhaps you wouldn’t know. You weren’t the one standing there and you weren’t the one who took the step.
I made the move but don’t be mad at me, please don’t. One step will naturally follow into another one. Once you have chosen to be the follower then the word ‘regret’ shouldn’t be allowed to be yours anymore. You would lose the right to ever move your lips in the form of that word.
I could see it, it weren’t too far away. I didn’t decide the next step; that happened on its own, completely, will you trust me? He once did.
Being normal, that word didn’t have an existence in my mind; I nearly forgot the meaning of it. There is no end to normal, it only has beginnings. You would see yourself at the beginning once you reached the last step, the final step.
Red became the colour of the wall and the voice of the silence; that was my last view of the room.
Hi, Angel_K
ReplyDeleteIt's good to read your work again. You're dead right with the analyisis - there is something engaging in the teasing nature of the extract.
I think that you've captured that well in the questions of your own piece. Speaking directly to the reader is a risk - it could put someone off if they feel your narrator is a bit too self aware, but fact that you use it as more of a prompt for further thought is intriguing.
The line: 'will you trust me?' works well.
Avoiding things like 'I know what you're thinking' is a wise move - instead your narrator seems as intrigued by our potential judgements as we are of your narrator's story.
One thing to be aware if is that if we're too teased, if we feel that information is being withheld simply because your narrator can withhold it, it can frustrate a reader. We need them to have a good reason to mess us around if we're to forgive them. I think you get away with it because your narrator is consistently confused, but be aware not to tease too much.
I really liked this line: The colour on the wall absorbed the silence that was in the room - for the atmosphere is creates; well done. As a picky thing - be aware or sensory information, or any information for that matter, that contradicts itself, such as:
The floor had a soft texture but I still felt the roughness digging slowly into my feet.
Being normal, that word didn’t have an existence in my mind; I nearly forgot the meaning of it. (if it doesn't exist, to say 'I nearly fogot (it)' seems a bit softer).
It can be a problem, because we have to trust your narrator to a certain extent, however confused they are; people will only have so much patience with confusion simply being represented, there has to be some truth otherwise it can feel pointless to imagine anything - it can feel like we're being misled about even the simplest of images.
So yeah, it's no big deal, but look into it with writing in the future, especially if you're doing a longer piece - you have to represent confusion, and I think you've done that well, but do it without the writing becoming confused. Does that make sense?
Basically if you're writing about a drunk person, don't actually write like you're drunk - represent it, but don't let it take over.
Anyway, that's stuff for the future; I've had to talk about general tips, because in terms of this piece you've done very well. Take care,
Andy
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou’ve done well in this task with the relationship between the authorial voice and the implied reader; there is a sense of at once addressing the reader as a known entity, and of the narrator withholding information.
Sometimes, you have a tendency to over-rationalise your own writing, while still leaving the actual meaning somewhat cloudy. For example, “The light in the room made a beautiful friendship with the silence that was present” is a really interesting idea, but we don’t need “that was present” or “in the room”. What we DO need is a little more help here and there to gain a bit more information about what you WANT us to see as readers – without, of course, over-explaining.
I also think there is a little too much time spent on the less interesting features of the narrative; for example, as I said before, the observation about the light and the silence bonding somehow is really interesting, but it’s somehow given to be linked to the taking of the step into the room. Personally, I’d leave the second paragraph at “Or perhaps you wouldn’t know”: you don’t need the next sentence, and in fact it confuses things somewhat.
Similarly, just be careful with over-explanation; “the word ‘regret’ shouldn’t be allowed to be yours anymore” is a bit of a convoluted idea expressed in that way syntactically, where it should be more straightforward. Basically, what I’m saying is that overall you’ve got a lovely sense of mystery in this piece, but your syntax and tendency to over-explain actually muddy, rather than clarify, the meaning. Same thing with “You would lose the right to ever move your lips in the form of that word”: I’d simply jettison this.
Truthfully, I’m a little lost with “I could see it, it weren’t too far away. I didn’t decide the next step; that happened on its own, completely, will you trust me? He once did.” Too many unknowns are introduced in this paragraph for us to take on board; by this stage, we want to have SOME answers, whereas what we’ve got is uncertainty. What is “it”? What is “the next step”? Who is “he”? These are things the reader really needs to know!
Again, you’ve lost me with the actual sense of “Being normal, that word didn’t have an existence in my mind; I nearly forgot the meaning of it.” You’re referring to the notion of ‘regret’, right? The problem here is that there is too much space between the statement of this idea and the reference to it.
I like “There is no end to normal, it only has beginnings” very much, even though (perhaps because?) I don’t understand it. The final paragraph is chilling – quietly ominous – which I really like.
Well done on this – my advice to make it less perplexing is just to read it to yourself, imagining you knew nothing of the characters, and see what makes sense. As it stands, this feels more like the OPENING of a story; by the end of a novel or story, the reader is going to know what things are, so it is unnecessary to keep excessive mystery going.
Well done,
Penny
Hello again, and well done once more on this task.
ReplyDeleteWhat impresses me most is the effort you have exerted in pursuit of innovation, and it very much pays off; this piece is extremely innovative, original and highly reminiscent of the imagery I'm so fond of in your poetry.
However I have to agree with both Andy and Penny that this adherence to innovation comes at the expense of accessibility and has the potential to somewhat alienate sections of your readership.
This sounds like a harsh indictment on your piece but it really isn't; there really isn't that much you need to do to increase the accessibility of the piece. What you have presented here is a dense cluster of imagery, which is, in itself, extremely beautiful and can be retained as long as you just pepper the piece with occasional hints at exposition. Basically what I'm saying is that there is nothing wrong with imagery being the foremost attraction of a prose piece, as long as, when pressed, a reader can easily explain the narrative of the piece. I would even suggest that you could improve this piece immeasurably with even one sentence of exposition tucked away in it somewhere.
However there are two other factors in this piece that could prove problematic. The first is the relationship between the narrator and the reader, as this is a highly overused conceit which often comes across as overbearing and egocentric...but I must stress that you manage it very well, as Andy has pointed out, so I wouldn't advise changing it, you must just be aware of the danger of it. The reason you manage it so well is the fact that your narrator doesn't know everything about the reader, 'perhaps you wouldn't know' and this is very important as it puts the narrator on a similar footing with the reader.
One factor that really does need addressing, however, is the rather awkward syntax that seems to permeate the piece. The reason that this is such an issue here is that imagery and symbolism need to hit the reader in a fairly subtle manner; the instant that they start calling attention to themselves then you run the risk of alienating large sections of your readership due to them feeling it is too much effort to work through complex symbolism and imagery. However, if your imagery is subtle then readers will feel confident with what they are reading and invest more of their energy into it. Unfortunately awkward syntax is a sure-fire method of calling attention to complex writing.
Overall, however, the piece is very strong. Your imagery is as enchanting as ever, and what I can gleam from the narrative is very compelling and intriguing. All you need to do is make it a little clearer, and polish up the syntax a little and you will yet again have something very unique and very special,
Well done again,
Eoghan