You've accomplished what you set out for. You decide to congratulate yourself, nobody else seems willing. You stand there perplexed at the ignorance displayed by your peers you wonder if it was worth it. Perhaps the carelessly fluttering strips of patriotic paper would sustain a better purpose pressed against your seemingly inspirational face, yet they would only hide the tears that have passed through such a scarcely abundant landscape previously. They cheer, you stand motionless. Perhaps you're camera shy, or perhaps you're simply not cut out to be so self aware any more.
Flashing lights constrict your pupils, the sound of an overtly proportioned man tingles the drums that beat within your head and a fine trickle of Eau de Homme glazes your skin. Hand cocked just like you were told in training; you salute your future death warrant. All prettily coloured with stars and stripes, so blanks loaded by their father's canon can say they went fighting for a plausible cause. I sit amongst the saluted sea of ciphers, my eyes are trained on you with cross-hair precision. I sit nonplussed by that you hold dearest. It looks like I've lost you.
He's stopped responding of recent. Probably just another 'quiet spell' he gets now and again. He sees me catch his eye and he straightens instinctively, my power's assertive not abusive. I see him secretly fear his surroundings, a sign of weakness I am not familiar with. Perhaps he's one of the types who like to challenge fate; those who prefer the IRA to the USA. He won't be tolerated if this is the case. He'll be stubbed out like a sepia tinged cigarette filter and then thrown overboard far from salvation. It looks like I've lost him.
I've accomplished what I set out for. I congratulate myself, nobody really seems to care. I stand here perplexed at the ignorance displayed by my peers and deep inside I wonder, was it all worth it? Perhaps the fluttering strips of patriotic paper would be better pressed against my tearful face, however they'd only hide the real pain. I stand motionless. Perhaps I'm camera-shy. Or perhaps I'm just another victim of the great patriotic Synthesizer.
Another dense, thoughtful response. Your message is fairly straightforwardly anti-war, but I admire how you aid your readers’ empathy with the motivations of those in the armed forces, through lines such as, ‘You decide to congratulate yourself, nobody else seems willing.’ In fact, I’d have liked a little more of this, as I think the piece could benefit from a less un-equivocal tone. If the reader is able to (feel like they can) make their own decision about the rights and wrongs of war, their eventual conviction will probably stronger than if they’re told the “right” response by author/narrator.
ReplyDeleteAbility to empathise with a character aids the reader’s engagement with the work. As such, I warmed to this piece much more at the second paragraph, when we are given a defined narrator – a lover? family member? who is watching a man in a military parade or ceremony. I like the vivid and visual writing in this paragraph, particularly ‘my eyes are trained on you with cross-hair precision’; in a sharp, concise image it shows how deeply war affects not only soldiers themselves, but their loved ones. The simple, un-melodramatic sentence ‘It looks like I've lost him’ is also incredibly effective. Was the first paragraph also narrated by this lover/family member? Why the switch from ‘lost him’ to ‘lost you’ in the third? Interesting, balthough ambiguity can be good; confusion normally isn’t. (Having said this, ‘The Thin Red Line’ is an incredible artwork about war, and it blurs narrators like nobody’s business).
Your syntax can be extremely effective – ‘Perhaps you're camera shy, or perhaps you're simply not cut out to be so self aware any more’ is subtle and intelligent – but is sometimes cluttered. A good example of this is ‘Perhaps the carelessly fluttering strips of patriotic paper would sustain a better purpose pressed against your seemingly inspirational face, yet they would only hide the tears that have passed through such a scarcely abundant landscape previously.’ I’ve read it a few times, but parts of this sentence still confuse me; ‘sustain a better purpose’ is an awkward phrasing, and I’m not sure I understand ‘passed through such a scarcely abundant landscape previously’ at all. The ‘scarcely abundant landscape’ is the soldier’s face? That it’s ‘scarcely abundant’ suggests his youth? I’m glad you’re working with complex ideas, but try not to over-complicate things! ‘The sound of an overtly proportioned man tingles the drums that beat within your head’ is another example of occasionally fussy syntax.
A good way to improve your sentence structure is to make more informed grammatical choices; remember that semi-colons separate independent clauses, whereas commas normally divide dependent and independent clauses, or separate parenthetical expressions from the rest of the clause. This sounds a bit jargon-y, but it’s not hard to get the hang of. As an example, after ‘saluted sea of ciphers’ it should be a semi-colon, and not a comma.
I’ve already picked out some strong, emotive imagery in this piece. However, the near-poetical language can sometimes be distracting. A good example of this is ‘He’s stopped responding of recent’. Here, you seem to be have been thinking more about the alliteration of ‘responding’ and ‘recent’ than the actual meaning of the words. As it is, ‘stopped responding of recent’ – rather than the expected “stopped responding of late” – is jarring, breaking the piece’s hold over the reader.
This is an intelligent, inventive, and well-thought out effort, which I enjoyed reading. Next time, I’d like you to try for greater clarity of syntax, of grammar, and of narrative voice.
Hi Carlsberger,
ReplyDeleteBrilliant transition to prose, prose-poetry, poetry , whatever - just powerful writing
Overall, I think it's most successful when subtle and elevates the mundane to something special.
"fluttering strips of paper"
"a fine trickle of Eau de Homme"
"a sepia tinged cigarette filter"
The alliteration never impedes meaning or rhythm - it does add beauty.
I sit amongst the saluted sea of ciphers, my eyes are trained on you with cross-hair precision. I sit nonplussed by that you hold dearest. It looks like I've lost you.
A magical passage. "sea of ciphers"! I'll never be able hear sea of faces again without retching. Congrats, you've battered and belittled a cliché - one down.....
"It looks like I've lost you." is seemingly simple, but the rhythm and alliteration drive it along. It's a poignant phrase and you do well to repeat it. Without it becoming mechanical, you could perhaps use it to greater effect. This evocation of emotion works for me. Some of the stronger sentiments like "hide the tears" and "the real pain" are a bit too blunt for me.
"plausible cause" here the rhyme leads you, you lead the rhyme, feed us the rhyme... gives us anyways a concise indictment - makes me wonder about the clunkiness of "probable cause"....
"responding of recent" seems another carlsberger time signature
and finally, the utter originality, wonderfully askew
the sound of an overtly proportioned man tingles the drums that beat within your head
I'll chomp on "overtly proportioned" for awhile." Thanks.
Thanks for those comments Pugnax & Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI've hit a 'wall' recently with my writing and this task just offered a way of breaking out I guess. I could be creative as I wanted.
Your positive approach to all my pieces does have a profound effect on any future pieces Pugnax. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too good when I read your comments.
Although with that said; I wouldn't be able to progress without your highly analytical comments Sarah, they highlight flaws i didn't even realise exsisted.
Both comments are equally significant in regards to progression; so keep them coming!
Thanks,
Carlsberger.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteInteresting use of voice and point-of-view in this piece – the way the character addresses the reader as “you” is subtle, and at first sounds as though it is a method for self-address, fitting for the way in which his position is both public and private. It gives rise to potent questions about identity, which you’ve handled lightly and beguilingly.
Sometimes, as I’ve seen in some of your work before, there’s a tendency to “over-dramatise” or lapse into what is known as “purple prose”; it’s just a touch too florid in places. You have an impressive vocabulary and sound knowledge of how to use it, but overall this can tend towards a certain “sameness” in some of your writing. That’s not to say don’t take risks: often you are at your most inventive when disregarding general rules; but such packed phrases as “[f]lashing lights constrict your pupils, the sound of an overtly proportioned man tingles the drums that beat within your head and a fine trickle of Eau de Homme glazes your skin” disorientate the reader. The details within this are fine – particularly phrases such as “overtly proportioned”, which is typical of your best writing (succinct, apt and original) – but all at once, the phrases just clog for the reader. I’d be interested to see you write, as a one-off, restricting yourself to a very few adjectives and adverbs, just to see the effect of starker writing.
In fact, after this strong an opening, it is almost a disappointment that the speaker is not addressing himself, as is revealed by the actual location of the speaker in the crowd. The piece becomes much more narrative at this point, and loses the (as I perceived it) self-mocking tone which would have continued to work so well. Perhaps try a future piece in this style?
As usual, I am being picky, and most of these are just musings because your writing brings up interesting issues. Well done with this, as ever.
Penny