Red. White. Blue. The hall drowning in these three colours. Insignificant in our past; now invading our future plans. Inescapable. It has forced its way into every aspect of our lives; none of us have any idea of what life is now and hardly any of us will. We just try our very best to survive. And we’re denied the right to do so.
They’re all clapping and cheering. Though we are outside we can hear everything as clearly as the shrill screams of our tortured mothers in their hands.
I think they’re fund raising. Again. Bulldozers, tanks, gases and guns. Definitely at the top of the list. The use of these ‘necessities’ that are bought with your money terrorise my every living day. Yet we’re the terrorists in your eyes, right?
I may have had my education ripped away from me in a matter of seconds but I fully understand what those blasted journalists feed you.
Did they tell you what was done to us? Our mothers. Our fathers. My baby brother. I still remember holding him in my shaking arms; my endless tears soaking his beautiful face; I had let him down; all I did was leave the house for exactly 45 seconds in order to get some food for him from our neighbour.
I live with her now. Help her around the house and with her children. She can’t cope. Her husband has been imprisoned for over 2 years and she is 7 months pregnant.
You may be blinded by the stuff that is forced into your minds but it doesn’t take it out of someone to figure out what is really going on. Our brief yet very memorable encounters with red, white and blue. The secrets that need to be spilled. For both your sake and ours.
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteThe tone of the text makes it resonate after reading it. I thought the image of the ‘Red. White. Blue.’ at the beginning with the full stop after each created a feeling of aggression, which then echoes throughout with the ‘Bulldozers, tanks, gases...’ later on. The line: ‘They’re all clapping and cheering,’ is incredibly chilling.
The feeling of anger as the piece continues directs the narrative. Within a relatively short space you have created the necessary movement in the text that propels the reader on. The voice of the narrator is very engaging, questioning, educated. We see this when she says: I may have had my education ripped away from me in a matter of seconds, but I fully understand what those blasted journalists feed you.’
We then find the narrator in the present moment, living with her neighbour. In a few short sentences the narrator discloses the neighbour’s life and current situation: ‘Her husband has been imprisoned for 2 years, and she is 7 months pregnant....’ This shift in the text is naturally done, it feels effortless.
To improve this, I would avoid numerical abbreviations. They stand out, and take the attention away from the writing itself. Though the clarity of the piece solidifies towards the middle, you might want to think about editing the first paragraph a little more, and being selective on the key sentences that draw us into the main narrative.
Well done Shiningstar, I was struck by the power of this piece, and the strength of the narrator’s voice.
Liz
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteAs always a driven, passionate voice. I'd almost like to see a raw stream-of-conscious burst. Although this is strong, it feels like you're holding back or slightly constrained by convention.
The balance is off a bit for me. I'd take Liz's suggestion and edit the beginning, then focus on the central horrific image, then conclude concisely, powerfully.
Sometimes the voice becomes a bit - not sarcastic, but well,
"I think they're fundraising. Again."
"those blasted journalists"
seem a bit weak compared to
"The hall drowning in these colours."
" We just try our very best to survive. And we’re denied the right to do so."
Look at how you end the excellent and horrible image of the dying baby:
"I had let him down; all I did was leave the house for exactly 45 seconds in order to get some food for him from our neighbour."
The tone ("exactly", "let him down") doesn't fit for me. The semi-colon really doesn't work here. Remember how effective the opening is, the punch of the fragments.
The final paragraph is excellent, especially,
"The secrets that need to be spilled. For both your sake and ours."
Full of meaning and importance. Concise.
Hope this helps.
Hi
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments I will definately redraft this piece.
I completely understand what you mean by the number abbreviations- I always get confused whether it's okay to abbreviate or whether I should just write it out in full so thanks for clearing that up.
I also get what you mean in regards to the balance and holding back and feel that I should have spent more time on it and will do so in the future.
Thanks once again.
Shiningstar
Hey there. I hope I’m not too late to give my opinion – I’ve been travelling and then moving house so internet has been difficult to come by. I hope you’ve had a great summer. :o)
ReplyDeleteThe beauty of creative writing is that all the rules can be thrown out of the window and like Pugnax, I think this could definitely be remoulded into something more like a burst of consciousness style monologue. You’ve started to break some of the grammar rules to fit your ideas, but as said before, don’t be afraid to stray from conventions. Your use of short end-stopped phrases that ignore the ‘official’ requirement of a verb, for example, works excellently in building up passion and the sheer horrendousness of what you are trying to convey. I think the others have commented on this enough, though, so I’ll leave this area of critique with just one piece of advice: be confident, not afraid!
I don’t think anyone has commented on your use of second person, however. This was very effective. The repetitive use of the word you, combined with your wonderful use of rhetorical questions create a very bitter tone of voice to the point that it is starting to belittle the people the words are directed to. This is very clever and works very well. This is also emphasised with your repetitions and groupings of words and ideas (‘Red. White. Blue.’…‘Bulldozers, tanks, gases and guns.’). I especially like the line ‘Our mothers. Our fathers. My baby brother.’ - you’ve managed to jump from showing the oppression of a group of people to showing the oppression of an individual person in one line and thus convey the terrible scope of things. It’s not just random people being affected and hurt, it’s REAL people.
Talking of real people, I couldn’t help but laugh, being the awful person that I am, at the reference to the neighbour. A woman seven months pregnant with another man’s baby whilst her husband has been locked up for over two years - it’s somewhat unnerving to think that people are fundamentally all the same, when it comes to that dreaded topic of morality, no matter what ‘side’ they’re on, isn’t it? I suppose that highlights the futility of war; all people are flawed to some level so why must we fight over who is right? You’ve shown us what is happening through the point of view of one person and not only highlighted that the other ‘side’ think that they are right, but also that the sympathetic side are not completely perfect. Excellent thoughts there, well done.
As for the ending, where do I even begin? Wow. The last line really sums up the ideas that I was trying to make sense of in my last paragraph. Very dystopian (my favourite genre!), very powerful words.
This really has so much potential, I can’t wait to read your next piece. Well done.
~ Avani