Everything in its right place
Sophie the 18 year old bride paces right to left, while a full church and her groom, Jason waits for her.
Sophie: (Frantically pacing with her notebook, talking to herself in a quick rate) Ah, ha! And sail the seven seas! No tick by that one meaning- I haven’t done that yet, or have I (pauses) let me check with myself. Self have you sailed the seven seas yet? No? I didn’t think so, so that’s another thing to add on my list. (Frenetically flipping a page of the notebook) Oh yes, I also I was planning on spending a year in Paris, drinking latte in one of those cute little cafes while the sun rises, and when the sun sets I’d be in the same café drinking wine! Done that yet? No! And while I’m on the subject of wine, let me add a little something here: Trip to French countryside to stay at a vineyard. Well I suppose I could do that with a husband, actually I could do all these things with a husband, but the real question is do I want to do all these with a husband?
(Pause)
Sophie: (puts the notebook down and taps her hand several times, waiting for an answer)
Well? Do I? (Thinks for a moment) Of course doing these things with a husband is good but do I really want to do these things with Jason? Oh god, why am I thinking this? Stop! I don’t want these thoughts lingering in my mind. (Starts talking to herself) Self think positive! I love Jason! He’s fantastic! He’s… he’s... beautiful… and he’s … daring yeah he’s daring… I think… and he is incredibly beautiful. NO! Said that already! (Sounding more certain of herself) He’s confident and caring and cool and sweet, oh and he’s funny and he is good fun to be with and that’s all that matters… hmmm…
Jason: (knocks on the door) are you ok babe?
Sophie: (whispers) Yeah, I’m good.
Jason: What? I can’t hear you, are you ok?
Sophie: (Louder this time) Yes! I’m fine!
Jason: Don’t mean to ask stupid questions but, what you doin’ Soph?
Sophie: (hides notebook) Ermmm-
Jason: Soph, Sophie?
Sophie: Yes?
Jason: Darlin’ there is a load of people in that church waiting for you to drift down that aisle!
Sophie: I... am …
Jason: What are you doin in there? Do you want me to come in?
Sophie: I’m not doing anything! Don’t come in!
Jason: But-
Sophie: No don’t come in, I don’t want you to see me in my wedding dress!
Jason: That just super…. Super what’s that word again?
Sophie: Superstition.
Jason: That’s the one! I’m coming in, ok?
Sophie: No! Don’t you dare, I mean it!
Jason: What’s going on, you got cold feet?
Sophie: Perhaps, no, I don’t think so… maybe, I DON’T KNOW!!!
Jason: Well your aunt said to check up on you. She said that you seemed a bit edgy.
Sophie: Me, edgy no!
Jason: Are you ok?
Sophie: Yes I’m fine!
Jason: Well you don’t sound fine.
Sophie: Well what makes you think that! I’m fine ok! Just fine.
Jason: Ok, but the wedding was supposed to start 30 minutes ago!
Sophie: Oh, I need a few more minutes, just to sort myself out.
Jason: Do you need anything, makeup, dental floss, anything?
Sophie: No, Jase, I’m ok.
Jason: It isn’t that time of the month, is it?
Sophie: No, um, Jason I having cold feet.
Jason: Oh don’t worry about it! I was getting cold feet last night myself!
Sophie: No seriously this is bad I can’t come out!
Jason: Calm down, it can’t be that bad!
Sophie: (takes deep breath) Remember that book I told you about,
Jason: Yes, I remember
Sophie: And I wrote everything in it, what I want to do before I get married and stuff like that.
Jason: Yeah…
Sophie: And that I lost it, (pause) Well I found it.
Jason: Oh that’s great!
Sophie: What? Did you say fate?
Jason: No! I said gr-eat
Sophie: Oh that’s weird because if you had said fate, it most likely to have been fate that I had
found it at this moment in my life… and…
Jason: Yes it’s G-R-E-A-T that you just stumbled upon it!
Sophie: I didn’t just stumble upon it; I tore the whole house apart looking for it…
Jason: Well at least you found it in the end.
Sophie: It’s not just that…
Jason: What then?
Sophie: (changes subject) what did you mean, earlier when you said you were worried last night?
Jason: I, what?
Sophie: A few minutes ago you said that you had cold feet and that you were worrying last night, what did you mean?
Jason: Oh, that. Just had the wedding worries, you know, the usual stuff.
Sophie: Like what?
Sorry the word count went "a bit" over. :D
ReplyDeleteMechanical Angel
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your piece. There’s a lot of humour but also an emotional complexity to the characters. Sophie is interesting and unpredictable which makes it compelling to read. I thought the opening was very strong, and that perhaps towards the middle of the script the dialogue could be sharper. You could achieve this by cutting back a little bit....
It’s clever the way you play on words at times, this also generates the humour: ‘Oh great!’ ..... ‘Did you say fate....’
You can see from the dialogue that the dynamic between the two characters is strained. This is good because it explains through the gesture of voice the reason for their distance.... I don’t think you need to capitalise to show when a character is shouting: ‘I DON”T KNOW,’ you could probably weave this into the script through exclamation...
Great stuff. Well done! Thanks for posting.
Liz
Hi Mechanical angel
ReplyDeleteThe opening of this play introduces Sophie, a brilliant, slightly manic, intelligent and funny protagonist:
"...let me check with myself. Self, have you sailed the seven seas yet? No? I didn't think so. "
I instantly wanted to listen to this character talk for hours in this way. Having the character address herself flippantly and fancifully in near stream of consciousness fragments creates a second character, an internal dialogue.
The rest of her dreams about travelling to France are good but could be tighter and more imaginative. But the engaging tone returns with: "done that yet? No! "
Unfortunately I found most of what follows to be far less interesting and unworthy of such a well imagined character. The scenario of a bride having cold feet (the phrase cold feet itself is a cliché) is well worn.
Perhaps once Jason appears in the story you find it difficult or boring to try to create "believable" dialogue.
There are some funny lines:
"Jason: do you need anything? Make-up, dental floss, anything?"
and a bit of poetry:
"Darlin' there is a load of people in that church waiting for you to drift down that aisle"
Also the confusion between "great" and "fate" is very clever.
But then the characters banally explain and then resolve confusion. Here perhaps even you lost a bit of interest, hence the lack of an ending.
Please let the Sophie character who says "Self, think positive! " become a full character.
Because the Sophie character you've created is intelligent and witty, the dialogue can be as wild, imaginative and experimental as your talents are capable of, and the dialogue will still be believable.
Maybe I'm off base on this (and I'm glad to see you'll let me know if I am!), but I think there are whole chunks of dialogue that you could cut out and allow this character to flourish within the word limit.
The small sparks here show genuine talent and I look forward to seeing more of that.
Hi Mechanical Angel,
ReplyDeleteI love this piece! It’s funny and strong and keeps the audience wanting more. I love the open-endedness of the piece.
The beginning of the piece sounded like an eighteen year old, unsure and scared. I loved the gentle rambling, and it bought about a sense of hysteria the more she went on. I love the line; “and he is incredibly beautiful. NO! Said that already!” It adds humour to what is actually a serious event. I agree with Liz, in that you don’t need to capitalise your letters, as exclamation points add the necessary emphasis. If you felt you wanted a particular line shouted louder than the others, maybe using stage directions such as (shouting). Remember, while it may stunt the reading of the piece, drama is meant to be heard and seen, so stage directions, wherever they’re put in, don’t change the fluidity the actor will deliver them.
I love the character or Jason. He seems witty and concerned, although I feel maybe the line where he can’t remember the word superstition could be left out. The rest of his speech makes him sound adult and intelligent, whereas this line seems jarred. I also feel the entire section where Sophie declares she is fine could be shortened, maybe into one word answers and interrupted speech. Maybe talk to Mr Savage about writing overlapping speech.
My favourite section is the wordplay with great and fate. It seems natural and interesting and I can see you’ve put a lot of time into this section.
Can’t wait to see more,
Kat