David: Aah. Everything back to normal now. We can have it as it was. Jane? Jane talk to me. (Getting impatient and failing to disguise it)
Jane: (Looks blank) What do you want me to say David? Yes love everything’s going to be fine? Is that what you want?
David: Look woman. I know you’re having a tough time but she’s gone now and in capable hands.
Jane: She’s gone.
David: Yes she has. (Smiles)We can get back to normal now. She’s not our problem anymore.
Jane: She was never a problem.
David: She’s old enough to look after herself.
Jane: Obviously not if we’ve just shipped her off to the Looney bin.
David: That’s…
Jane: She will never stop being me baby sister…
David: Yeah and she treated you like shit. Throwing it all back in your face like that. Accusing me. Your husband of…I would never touch her. That’s disgusting.
Jane: She’s gorgeous.
David: But I’ve got you. (Moves closer towards her)
Jane: (Moves away)
David: Do you doubt me?
(Jane doesn’t answer)
David: You believe you’re mentally disturbed sister over me? (Patronisingly)
Jane: Why would she make it up?
David: Because she’s crazy! (Silence) I knew it from the start. She’s were she belongs. It’s just meant to be.
Jane: (Looks at him suspiciously) Excuse me?
(David looks confused)
Jane: She said to me that you said …You said it was meant to be… that you were meant to … (getting worked up)…you know...please tell me...no...you didn’t..(eyes start to well up)
David: No. No. Jane.
(Jane starts to cry)
David: Jane.
Jane: It all makes sense now. When you found out about her past, you wouldn’t let it go. Everyone makes mistakes but you weren’t having any of it. No..
David: Jane no please (He puts his arms around her)
Jane: Don’t touch me! Get away from me.
David: Keep your voice down…you’ll wake Gary and we’ve only just got him settled.
Jane: Don’t you dare!(shouts) Don’t you fucking dare.
David: Jane (firmly)
Jane: What?
David: Look babe Gary needs me.
Jane: What? Where were you when he was born? Too busy raping his aunty. You think I want him growing up with you as his father. I mean what a role model.
David: I’m not having another man raising my…
Jane: Just get out!
David: Jane we need to talk about this.
Jane: What is there to talk about? What you did…I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be near you. Just go away Far away.
David: Jane you can’t do this.
Jane: Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. What you did?
David: We all make mistakes.
(Jane takes off her shoe and throws it at him. He narrowly misses it)
Jane: (screams) Get the fuck out of my house. Go now before I call the police. I swear to God I’ll call them and I’ll fucking kill you in front of them.
David: Jane? Jane I…
(Jane sits down and carries on crying. David looks at her, his surroundings and storms out of the house slamming the door behind him. Gary wakes up and cries.)
Hi Shiningstar
ReplyDeleteAs I expected, your dialogue is wonderfully naturalistic while still expressing passionate emotions.
The rhythm between the two characters is well balanced and pacey.
Take extra care with punctuation as it provides the actors with clues as to how you want the lines read:
"David: Look woman, I know you're having a tough time but she's gone now and in capable hands"
There seems a natural pause between "Look" and "woman" which a comma would make clear, if that's the effect you want.
Also although I'm not a big fan of exclamation marks, in a script they're often more useful than stage directions in conveying the character's emotion. On my first reading I wasn't sure until right towards the end about how angry the characters might be. For example:
Jane: don't you dare! (Shouts) don't you fucking dare.
The stage direction is unnecessary and in the second line is she as angry and shouting, or has she calmed down as there is no exclamation mark? It's an important distinction because it's for me the most powerful line in the play and central to Jane's character.
While the dialogue is believable, I found the situation was at times less so. Especially in such a short piece I didn't quite believe that Jane would suddenly come to such a horrible realisation. The device of David being tripped up by the phrase "It's just meant to be" is very clever but for me it didn't seem unique enough to instigate Jane's realisation.
Perhaps I'm too jaded but something in the tone of the piece made it obvious to me that David was guilty of something even before I knew what that something was. Especially once he said "your husband of ...I would never touch her", I was pretty sure he was guilty. In a longer piece you might build up his credibility more.
The final lines are the most powerful, especially Jane's "What? Where were you when he was born? Too busy raping his auntie?". In this piece you might even consider stopping there and perhaps skipping to her excellent line "Go now before I call the police. I swear to God I'll call them and fucking kill you in front of them". The lines in between and after that dilute the power of the ending for me.
Overall I think the piece just tries to do too much in a short space. But it's an admirable attempt.
A really excellent attempt. Just watch out on spelling and grammar and you’re sorted. As Pugnax said, I also think it’s really important to think about how necessary a stage direction is before use it. Especially with such dramatic dialogue and action, as you have here, it sometimes clutters up what’s going on and holds up the pace.
ReplyDeleteAs I’m so late posting (blame my dodgy computer) and Pugnax has said pretty much everything I’ve said, I just want to make a comment on your ending. Just wow. Most of the pieces I’ve read today build up the tension very intentionally (as do you), but then leave at a horrible cliff hanger. Yours simply surpasses that: effective, deliberate and horribly, horribly eerie. I seriously got shivers down my spine. This was especially added to by how well you have characterised David – the different ways he tries to subdue Jane at the beginning show to us that he’s guilty long before she realises. He then starts clutching at straws, which is really effective in showing the reader what a sick man he is. You’ve done a really good job there.
As always with you’re writing, I’m sat here wishing the word limit was longer and in this case especially, I think your script would have benefitted with more room. If you do decided to ever rework this as a longer piece, feel free to send it my way – I would love to see!
~ Avani
Hi
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. I think I got a bit carried away with the stage directions since looking at it now It wasn't really needed.
I will definitely think of extending it and see where it takes me.
Thanks
Shiningstar