She stares at him through the glass panes set into the door. Her eyes are distant, dreamy, as if her mind is elsewhere.
He sits, his head bent over a pile of books, oblivious of his stalker. His pen moves quickly, a teacherly scribble, leaving behind red lines of criticism.
She drinks in every detail- the way his thick, almost feminine eyelashes throw shadows upon his cheeks, the glint of his sandy hair in the soft light.
Her hand reaches out longingly, as if to touch him, but is barred by cool glass.
Some say she's crazy. Twisted.
They don't understand.
Hey crazystar – lovely to see your work again, as per usual.
ReplyDeleteBefore I begin giving my opinions on your actual writing, I want to make a quick technical point about the construction of paragraphs. I’m sure you already know this, but when you start a new paragraph, you must either leave a line, or indent. At the moment, you are dropping a line, but not indenting. If you don’t want to indent then drop two lines so that there is a space between each paragraph.
You’re description here is beginning to develop really well and you certainly fulfil the task in terms of hooking in the reader. That’s just it though, to me, this feels like the start of something longer and not necessarily a story in itself. I suppose we see the story of her love, but I wonder if you could build some kind of conflict to finish with – perhaps the teacher could see her staring? A little more tension and between the characters and less on what is happening inside just one of their heads and I feel this could go a long way.
Looking at your actual words, you are starting to show instead of tell and some of your descriptions are amazing. You do not tell us the man is her teacher, but rather, you show us through his handwriting (why do teachers always have terrible handwriting and then complain about ours?) and the fact that he is marking. This section is excellent. The next bit however, though well described, might be bordering on cliché. It is here that I think you might be able to create a conflict or tension as you have already established that she adores this man and so are perhaps frittering away your words with the extra detail. What do you think?
You’re ending seems slightly inaccurate, in my opinion, though very well written. I feel as though this is something a LOT of students might sympathise with (unlike perhaps the mannequin in the example text). Nonetheless it is very powerful and overall, you have done a good job!
~ Avani
Hi Crazystar,
ReplyDeleteLike Avani, I'm impressed with this work. You've got some great descriptions, I like the "red lines of criticism" the best. I like the detail that you have, for example the shadows from his eyelashes and his hair in the light.
Sometimes, though, I feel like you sell yourself short. You've got lots of 'showing' going on, great, but then you 'tell' right after. You're writing is strong enough for us to understand; "distant, dreamy eyes", "her hand reaches out longingly" both show the readers exactly what's going on. Rather than explaining that "her mind is elsewhere" and that she wants to "touch him", you could add a little more to the ending. It feels a little abrupt compared to the rest of your piece which has long sentences with lots of commas.
Saying this, we really get the picture of the student's infatuation with her teacher, which you didn't need to explain, great stuff. The beginning of your work has a lot of tension which I really enjoyed. It does drop off towards the end though, like Avani said, but I understand that with such a limited space it can be hard to get your work to do what you want it to.
I've really enjoyed this piece, it has a lot of strong points, and I'm excited to see your next task.
Frances
Crazystar, hi there. I’m coming on board as a moderator for your writing, and clearly I’ve made a bad start by posting late. Sorry for that.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is a good, neatly written attempt at the task. You seem, by and large, in control of your writing, and it’s doing exactly what you want. The cool and clear prose is refreshing – you’re tackling an intense emotion through simple and subtle language, continually pulling back from feeling, almost as the character is held back from what they desire.
I agree with two points made by the other moderators – that you double up description and explanation where it’s not needed (‘her eyes are distant, dreamy, as if her mind is elsewhere’ - you don't need the second half) and that the ending doesn’t really take us anywhere new.
I like a lot the subtlety of the revelation of who the man is (‘teacherly scribble… red lines of criticism’) but the final lines (‘crazy. Twisted. They don’t understand’) do seem rather clichéd to me, plus they don’t really tell us anything we can’t guess. What I’d really want, in this very static picture (apart from the hand reaching out, which is good), is some subtle and surprising form of action to take us towards a new understanding of the situation, or a cliffhanger of some sort. Difficult I know, especially because you’re writing in such ‘dangerous’ territory, but that’s what you’ve got to live up to when you go out on a limb like that.
good luck, and i look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Hi crazystar - apologies for my delay in commenting. Been really busy with coursework and a new job so sorry for that.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very promising piece and I definitely think it could be developed further if you want to. The revelation about the man being the girl's teacher is expertly handled. I love the way you subtly drop in "teacherly scribble" - it's a perfect example of the old maxim of show don't tell.
I don't actually agree with the other moderators that you should create some drama in the piece or as Jonathan said a "cliffhanger". Rather than creating tension, I think this would take the focus away from the poetic tension you create earlier in the piece. Instead I would look at setting a scene earlier on - maybe describing the school setting and giving more details about their surroundings. Then you would have a really nice vignette.
Definitely work on this further if you can
Hey everyone!
ReplyDeleteThank you, as ever for all the amazing comments, and usual, I'll try my utmost hardest to take your advice and improve for the next task.
Crazystar