I look at you. You return my hostile glance with more than a mutual stare. You wind deep into my mental lesions, sparing your pain for the flesh so far celibate from your evil. Scars don't give you enough satisfaction - they're used, soiled. I have the leading role in the film you play right in front of me. I watch myself cry; collapse to the floor. You witness it. Then you disappear. I have always been the victim. When you flee, I become my own assailant. You remain innocent. Still my silent killer.
Just look at yourself.
I am looking.
Just look at yourself.
I am looking.
Dear Moderators,
ReplyDeleteI hope you have come to notice that my plot revolves around a woman's relationship with her "unfaithful" mirror, her battle with self -denial and a problem she is suffering with, which happens to be anorexia. My content is subtle to say the very least, and I completely understand if you don't gather the message I am trying to put across straight away. Any questions please feel free to ask.
Many thanks,
STARDUST.
Stardust, hi there and many apologies for the late reply.
ReplyDeleteThis is another powerful and well-written piece, again taking on and tackling a difficult subject, for which well done. The twist is well-conceived and, largely, executed – I did sort of guess that it was about self-harm before I read your post, but I must admit I’m still unclear if the ‘other person’ (i.e. the looker/killer) does actually exist, and then leaves the woman to continue her own self-mutilation, or if they never actually existed at all – and all the violence is entirely self-inflicted. This ambiguity comes through at a couple of points (‘Then you disappear’, ‘When you flee’) when the ‘other’ DOES seem to have an existence independent of the victim.
The great strength of this piece comes from its simplest moments, for example the ending, especially the last two lines, which are quite brilliant. After all the intensity of language like ‘hostile’, ‘mental lesions’, ‘celibate’, ‘evil’ and so on, the point that all this damage comes – originally – from just ‘looking’ is very effective.
But to get to that point, I would suggest, you do have to get through a LOT of very intense vocabulary. As it’s so intense, you need to be doubly careful as to its use: eg a metaphor like ‘mental lesions’ is good, but when you expand that with ‘sparing you pain for the flesh so far celibate from your evil’ what you are actually implying is ‘mental flesh’, which is a bit too tricky a concept to really work, I’d say. And ‘celibate’ doesn’t just mean ‘untouched’ or ‘virginal’, it means voluntarily abstaining - like a nun or a monk - which doesn’t quite seem to fit here.
Other good lines (where the metaphor matches the intensity of the emotion) are ‘I have the leading role in the film you play right in front of me’ and ‘Scars don't give you enough satisfaction’, although I’d try to think of something more precise than ‘used, soiled’, something with the meaning of ‘finished’ or ‘achieved’ perhaps.
But again, well done. Keep going with the powerful writing, but look up every difficult word you write, to learn the meanings and shades of meaning it hides within itself.
Thank you very much for your comment, Jonathan.
ReplyDeleteJust to answer your question, the "looker/killer" doesn't exist. It is a split personality of my main character, along with the mirror, which "feeds her lies" about her appearance; leaving the violence entirely self - inflicted.
Hi, STARDUST,
ReplyDeleteSorry to have been absent for so long - it's great to read your work again. This is a strong piece. You've dealt well with the constraints of the task by making it a riddle as well as a story. The 'you' becomes an embedded figure, and I think you've put enough keys there to work out exactly how to look at it (the picture helped me though, cheat that I am).
Your use of language is great - just do what you do and don't worry about things getting too wordy or confusing; that's the kind of thing you can work out after editing (especially if you find a good reader for your work. It's important for someone who writes complex stuff to have someone that can mark where they get confused for you - it's sometimes hard to judge for youself where things get confusing).
I didn't feel this was unclear, except for the line about 'sparing your pain' - sparing imediately reads as if you're holding back from enacting something - in this case pain would be the something you enact rather than the thing being subjected to it, so, yeah - minor confusion.
Also I'd say 'lead role' - avoid 'ings' where you can, cos they sound weaker. It's not a mistake, just a tip - when you read outloud you can hear it.
You thought of a fantastic way to deal with this task - well done. Take care,
Andy
Andy Parrott and Jonathan -
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for your comments on Task 43.
STARDUST.