“Five minutes.”
He didn’t look so big. Or scary
Is this is? Looking down at someone so weak knowing in a second you could destruct them.
How did it feel? Threatening to smother a child if she wasn’t asleep; promising to strangle her if dinner wasn’t finished.
“Sorry. I…”
Silence. Like the one that would occur after a row almost every night. When it was safe enough to free your ear drums from underneath the duvet.
“I know I’ve been absent for years but my time is running out and I-”
“It’s run out. Five minutes. Gone. Goodbye Dad.”
Sorry for the late post.
ReplyDeleteInteresting story! You've really captured the theme of Time. You've effectively portrayed a single scene (in a prison, I assume) as well as a huge backstory. I liked the way you enclosed the story in the speech from the guard/ speech from the daughter.
ReplyDeleteA few typos:
'Is this is' should be 'Is this it'
'could destruct them' should be 'could destroy them'
Other than that - great stuff!
just a quick post to say i haven't forgotten to comment - things have been a bit hectic in my family, but i'll be here in the next couple of days. i'm really sorry!
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Sophie I didn't spend as much time as I would have liked to hence the typos.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and letting me know Avani.
Thanks once again
Shiningstar ;D
I can tell you were short on time with this, it reads a much more rushed than your usual submissions. Your writing is generally very dramatic, but remember that it doesn’t have to be! Wonderful stories can be written about everyday things made abstract and you don’t want to end up sounding forced, which I feel this does in some places.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless I did enjoy my read. I wonder if you can focus more on ‘showing’ the action as you ‘tell’ quite a lot of what is happening in this piece. Considering the situation you are describing, I feel that a little more ambiguity would be nice. However, your use of dialogue is very strong and does a wonderful job of creating a scene.
By the way, is ‘destruct them’ a typo? I think it works the way it is, but you can also change it to ‘destroy’ as suggested. Very good job on keeping to the subject also.
I don’t really have much else to offer (a short review for a short piece!) but I look forward to reading your next piece. ~Avani